How to cope without losing my mind?

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Everytime I see/talk to m 82 year old mom, she argues over everything and says hurtful things. I seen my mom last year through breast cancer, recovery and check ups. She has always been on the negative side of things, and also argues. Now since she moved into a home a year ago, she is assuming and lets me know that I will take her here and there, and everywhere, my husband and I do things for her all the time, and the next call from her is complaining and accusing my husband of telling a story about his mom and that her kids share in the providing rides, bringing her stuff and my mom says that my husband meant it for her. No winning at all with her. I am at wits end, crying and very emotional with her demands, and her guilty ways about her. I told my husband tonight, we need to sell our home and move.
I don't know where to turn anymore, or how to get her to stop complaining about anything and everything, and arguing constantly and calling me a liar over anything she chooses. I have now quit calling her every day, now that she is healthy from the cancer.When she got the flu, I called her every day to check on her as so did my other sisters. I can't call her everyday anymore, it is too draining on me and am loosing sleep and feel just sick about the entire situation. I love her dearly, I just need her to be nice and not look for arguments and not make me feel quilty.

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And another thing I did, I shoved a cookie in her mouth and asked her how she likes it, They are homemade !! So bring treats, they are a good subject changer. Who can complain when they have a cookie in their mouth? Hmmmm yumyum..
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It may be early onset dementia,or something else...Make sure she gets checked early and often. You are right, don't argue. If she says something... tell her "perhaps"...Make sure she has all her essentials in her room... Call her home and talk with the caretakers, ask them how she is doing..That way you won't feel too guilty.
Your mom is still "fighting" the idea of moving into a home. She is still adjusting. Even after a year.
Get her a wall calendar. Mark on it her hair appointments, nail appointments, walks in the park days, walks in the grocery store days..Milk shake days, and doctor appointments.
If she brings somethiing up, Just tell her "Now is not the time, Mom" And if it's negative, just tell her, perhaps, but we will need to talk about it later, okay, Mom?
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Well, I met with my mom and she started in as soon as she shut the door, but you could tell she didn't know what approach to take but she told me she loved me very much. We hugged and I told her too. I took charge right of way and told her we will BOTH not say things anymore before we think first and then speak careful not to be heartful. I told her whether I go first or her, I do not want the other to be left ridden with guilt over the last few weeks of very bad discussions. She agreed whole heartedly.
We got some coffee and I took her around to different places for a few hours to get some clothes and treats for herself. It went very well.
I prayed that it would go well, and asked for help from God and this site and my loving husband. Thank you so much for all the comments, suggestions and general experience. :)
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Denise, expecting your mother to heed what you say about her behaviour, and to alter her attitude and hold her tongue accordingly, is an exercise in futility. Ignore it. Do not engage in it. "Sorry you feel that way" is the most it's worth your energy to bother with. And "I have to go now, I'll call you tonight, as normal" is useful for when she starts up.

Is she like this face to face too? I'm thinking of her jabbering on in the car while you're trying to concentrate on the road and can't - ! - just walk away. Mind you, you can pull over and tell her that you find it hard to drive safely while she hectors you, so you'll just wait here until she agrees to put a sock in it. I used to find that worked with fighting children, not sure if it would with argumentative elders :/

Refusing to be bullied is quite right; but refusing to join in the argument will be even better for everyone's blood pressure. Your mother is going to feel as she does no matter what you or anybody else says. Let her. Don't discuss it, don't dispute it. Just don't participate.

Remember, these are not conversations between rational adults on an equal footing: you have the upper hand, even though it must feel like the opposite. Your mother is old and ill, and getting frailer. She does have things to be upset and angry about, it's just that they aren't your fault and she's misdirecting her emotions.

Behind the scenes, would it be possible to organise a regular outing for her perhaps through a charity or local social services? It's not unreasonable for her to want a predictable schedule, after all; it's just that it shouldn't fall to you to commit to it.
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Thank you for your words of wisdom Careisgiving and Momstogo!

Well, I called my mom back after her message today and what a surprise. She started in on me that I don't want to take her anywhere unless I want to do it, and that I need to change. I kept my composure and put her on speaker phone so hubby can hear and perhaps give me pointers on managing the stressful situations. I told her, she believes what she wants and so do I; then asked her what makes her an expert on telling others they have a problem and they need to change. More scolding... I finally said, in a very take charge voice no yelling or swearing that I think we need to let it go and just get along with one another. She agreed that she wanted to get along, and the next sentence was the same arguement that I need to change, why don't you want to make yourself better, OH MY STARS! My heart was thumping in my chest, my faced was red and hot why does this have to be this way, this is the worst it has ever been. I had to tell her, that I am ending this conversation and not arguing with you and hung up.
We ate our dinner and I called her back, she said she was going to call me but thought we would be eating dinner (never stopped her before). I calmly said would you like me to pick you up tomorrow morning because I am busy in the afternoon. She said yes, she would like that and so we will see tomorrow am. I am steadfast, and will tell her that if she continues with these destructive behaviors our time together will be minimal and I am not putting up with the hurtful behavior and driver her home. I hope she keeps her mouth in check, and I refuse to be bullied. Talk about elder abuse, sheesh what about daughter abuse.
I will tell her tomorrow that I love her dearly and reassure her again like I did last week, that I will take her to doctors appointments anytime. I absolutely will NOT commit that I will either take her out somewhere weekly or every two weeks, because she is not the person you can tell that to as she will be on you like glue!!!
I cannot leave my family and my life either, I like her have earned every bit of my retirement that just started and my plan is to enjoy it my way and my husbands. Who knows when your time is up, spend it in retirement and enjoy it....
By the way, 30 minutes after I hung up on her, my husband did not look well and complained that his ears and face were hot and red. He is on meds for high blood pressure.  I told her to forget about this, it will all work out. He was trying to be supportive and think of things to say that would calm the waters.  Now I have to watch him during these stresses.  I cannot have this happen again for his health and mine.
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I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I have a similar situation with my parent. I am not sure if it is dementia but I don't think so. Neither do the doctors. It is most likely a personality thing. Before my dad passed he did her bidding. She was the boss of him. He gave her everything and followed her orders. Before him, it was us (her kids). We were taught to idolize her. She was our no.1 priority. We did as we were told. We followed her orders. Then, when we married and moved out, it fell to my father again to follow the orders and hold her as no. 1. But when he died, she was no one's #1 anymore. There was no one to boss, no one to control, no one to follow orders. Unless........YEP! You guess it. She started to control her adult children. "Do this, do that! I have a crisis. If you don't, you don't love me." It's the control they need. The desire to be number one. She is desperate because she is losing control. It's very sad. But I can't leave my family and my life to focus on her all the time. It's disordered.
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Years ago, when Mom was getting to me (not her fault, it was her illness in control) to the point that I would feel my heart racing, then I would immediately tell her that I'm leaving her room for a few minutes. I closed her bedroom door. I then went into my bedroom, also closed my door, put in some disposable heavy duty ear plugs, lay on my bed, closed my eyes and took multiple deep breaths while letting myself feel my stress and then I just visualized solid wall going up in front of my mother so that I was only focusing on the wall, which represented separating myself from the stress, which was my mother. I also repeated out loud "This the disease. It's not Mom. This will not bother me..." Walls don't have feelings, right? I trained my brain to thinking that after I touch that wall, the stress melts away. I know this reads so cheesy but after some time, this worked well for me. Some time after this, I didn't have to go into my bedroom - I just touched any wall in our home and repeated the mantra while trying to absorb the stress and feel it dissolve. After a month of my mother seeing me close her bedroom door - this was actually enough for her to calm down. She got the message. There's no hard fast rule of how to detach, so you need try different things to see what works and what doesn't. You could start very simply with "Mom, I love you and I know you're scared about the future but when it gets to the point that I can no longer tolerate you're nagging, you're arguing - I will leave the room - I will hang up the phone - I will not talk to you until you've stopped so we can then have a rational, calm discussion. And do it. Don't let her go on and on about her nagging, complaining. You've already given the warning - so physically leave in the middle of her rant for her to understand how serious you are. Do this also while she's on the phone; before she even starts going into rants - give her the polite warning - then if she starts into you - you hang up phone as she's complaining. She'll get the message, but it's going to take some time so you can't stop no matter how difficult this gets. Although your mother is of sound mind (Thank God for this. Seriously!), she still can behave like a child - and knows how to push your buttons - and will not stop because she knows you'll eventually give in. It's difficult to deal with the role reversal - but you must keep your emotional health the number one priority - which means you need to physically take a break from your mother at very moment you can't take it any more. So many medical/clinical studies document how poorly controlled emotional health leads to long-term damage to physical health. You don't want to resent her after she's gone when you are possibly faced with a serious health issue partly due to the emotional upheaval during this difficult time in both of your lives. Your family will still need you after your mother is gone. Do what you have to do to take care of your emotional and physical health NOW...TODAY.
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Thanks Careisgiving for your advice. How do you start disassociating? I think what you said is very valuable especially how you related to the doctors disasociate from their parents/patients due to pressure. I think partly she may be afraid of the future. I will start trying to put some peaceful space somehow between us when we are together. I think I will text her to see if she wants to get out tomorrow or Friday. Hopefully, she won't be mad at me for not taking her out yesterday or today. I had appointments to attend too. If she is mad, then stay home. I am sure she will say yes then give it to me when we are together.
Thanks again. :)
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Maybe she's scared about her future and will do anything to get attention - even if she knows her constant demands of you are driving you crazy. Parents eventually develop the mentality of a child, with no dementia present. I think you should consider learning how to disassociate, trying to create a wall of peaceful space - for yourself - so you don't get emotionally sucked into the stress of meeting and hearing all of her demands. Doctors working in hospitals do this as a survival technique otherwise, they'll crack under the pressure of a huge caseload while dealing with demanding relatives of their patients. Doctors have to dissociate in order to stay focused on the task at hand. You can't change your mother, but you can change the way you deal with it. This doesn't happen overnight. It takes some time to mentally train yourself to not let things get to you. I dissociate from my mother to maintain my sanity.
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I wasn't sure where to respond back to the 4 answers that were generously provided. Thanks so much. I took a deep breath when I read them all.

My dad passed away 5 yrs ago from dementia that he got in his late 50's; he was in a home the last 15 years. His dad, and some of his siblings also have and had dementia. His sister just passed away last week from it.
I do not think my mom has it, thank God! She has just plain gotten very needy, demanding, argumentative and has a real talent all of her life to make people feel guilty.
I thin that when both of us are calm and having a better day, that we need to have a frank conversation and do just what you have suggested. This is what I am willing to do and how often, however things may change due to my obligations with my own family and grandchildren and husband. She seriously needs to think before she speaks to stop the hurting and guilt feelings. If she can't have her own way, she gets very sarcastic.
Thank you all again, it is so appreciated.
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