How can I cope without feeling angry all the time?

Follow
Share

My grandfather moved in with us, he's been sober now almost 2 years but during his time of alcohol and drugs he burnt bridges to all the family. My husband and I are all he has left that stayed standing in his corner. His income is so limited he can barely help with the rent so living elsewhere is out of the question.


He's constantly criticizing me, my parenting skills, and making demands on taking him places. I'm 8 months pregnant, on modified bed rest while completing my degree and raising a toddler. My husband works hard and helps where he can, but most days it's me holding down the fort with my grandfather harping in my ear all day.


I don't want to feel angry all the time, I don't know what to do.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
10

Answers

Show:
Sobriety is relative. Removing the drink does not equate to resolving emotional sobriety.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This is feedback not advice. I think you have received some solid supportive comments from the others here. It is amazing what you can learn when people ask questions. Yea, you need to organize the tasks you see that will help improve this situation.

First of all, your 8 months pregnant. That is task #1. Focus on that goal first. Modified bed rest was recommended for a reason. Get the bed rest and do not waver for anyone that impacts that goal. Given the situation, it sounds like you have an advocate in your doctor regarding your own current living situation. Explain that, but nutrition and sleep first asap.

#2 If he wants to complain, eat cheese and mayonnaise, his choice, not your guilt, but certainly your stress is being increased due to the fact that he evidently does not respect the fact that you are pregnant. I think when talking with your doctor, along with your husband, you have to explain the fact that your grandfather needs your help, but he is "disturbing the peace" in your home. This is feedback. This is not the first thing you should do. Some people have to call the police, even 911, because there is a person in the home 'disturbing the peace'. The word eviction was mentioned in regards to lease agreement, etc. Even if you go that route, that is 30 days typically even if it is filed. There are many things that can be done, but it sounds like he has no place to go at this time, which is why someone should discuss this issue with a professional: your doctor, a social worker that can reduce your stress and not increase the problems, while you are pregnant.

#3 It sounds like to me that in 30 days or more you will have a newborn in that home also, and that should be explained also with respect to the circumstances, to whomever you decide to talk to. There are an array of scenarios that can involve local, even county support, with respect to the kind of behavior here that has been described: abusive, AA, family, aging grandparent, divorce, not paying the bills, lease agreement with his name on it, which implies I guess he provided either the credit so a lease agreement could be signed so that all of you could have a place to live. I presume this is April 2018. Who pays the rent and the utilities for this Sounds like there was a need for all here, but now there are regrets or just stress that no one deserves, even when not pregnant.

#4 to #20. I will leave to you to determine, but I think if you list out the order of events that are important, appointments with doctor, giving birth, addressing family matters as amicably as you can, that will help you determine what you have the energy to do this month.

Big sigh here. Your health right now is more important than your grandfather's health: sounds like he doesn't care about his own health, so why would he care about yours? A rhetorical question. Rest and keep following your doctors' advice and keep an open conversation about your stresses. Doctors only have about 15-30 minutes to see someone, so come organized with your main points, and mention that you might need to talk to someone in regards to this because you know the doctor has patients, but you are concerned about your family safety: another issue that can be addressed.

Focus on the now the next 2 months, I hope this works out well for you. Your safety comes first. Laugh it off, not to him. Don't engage him too much. Most people who have a person who is 'disturbing the peace' in a home advise that you do not engage that person, especially ones that are described as abusive. I wish you all the happiness you deserve. Sleep well!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

First of all know that you can come here and vent and that's fine BUT you are responsible for two vulnerable children not to mention the three adults affected here. It's pretty much all on you. There is a reason he is no longer welcome elsewhere. You need to take action now. I wouldn't be expecting him to change. It's good he's going to AA and great that he's sober but he has problems that he can't just switch off and you sound very sensitive to the abuse he brings in.
A needs assessment is when a social worker (from area on aging) comes in and assesses what type of care your GF needs and where he can get it. Maybe there is an adult day care where he can go during the day? Someone whose brain is fried and brings home his friends from AA is not the ideal playmate for your children. Will you be staying home with the children after the baby is born? Do you work outside the home? What are your plans? Does he have a dr? Have other health issues? Is he on medication? Come back and let us know how you are doing?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

What is a "needs assessment"? Last time I tried to get an elderly care agency involved because he was being meaner to me I couldn't handle it, it became more trouble that it was worth having to deal with him and their scheduling only to have nothing come of it.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

When my husbands parents are home I'm usually at their house, I hate being home because all he does is nag and complain. I try to talk to him about how he's always hurting my feelings but he says he's "teasing" and that I need to lighten up, I'm "too sensitive".

I have a panic disorder and he flat out told some stranger how I panic easy when I was getting angry with him.

He's not that old, he's only 78. But after doing drugs and alcohol for so many years his brain is fried. He brought one of his AA friends over and told them how he was starving so had to buy himself food - all he bought was cheese, cream cheese, mayo and mustard.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Call your local Area Agency on Aging. Get a "needs assessment". It's free.

Who has POA? One can get a Miller Trust done if his income is too high for Medicaid. It siphons off the extra income into a State Trust so that he qualifies.

Get him on waiting lists for every low income housing situation that you find via research. Look into eviction proceedings.

You should NOT have to deal with this. Have you talked to your OB GYN about this?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

It doesn't sound like he's all that old. If his money goes to alimony, Medicaid will take that into account. I hope you're able to get him on it and out of your life. Is there something medically wrong with him?

What he is doing is abusive and you have every right to be mad. Maybe you should say to stop being abusive. Of course, then he'll answer that he's not being abusive and try to tell you that it's all you. Don't engage him -- he's trying to push those buttons. Just tell him he's still being abusive. It will give him something to chew on. (Yes, I go through this very often.)

I wish you didn't have to go through this so you could have some peace while you're pregnant. In your shoes I would avoid him as much as possible. Tell him where the food is and let him serve himself. You're his granddaughter, not his slave. Grr.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

He's on our lease too so that can't be broken until the terms are up next April, so I need ways to cope until we get there and hopefully can find a better housing for him.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

The last time I tried applying him for Medicaid he was told he made too much money. He has social security and a pension retirement, but since the divorce most of it has to be sent to my grandmother (although it's her children/his step-children) that get the money.

I haven't had the mental strength to try getting him applied again. I fear him living alone though, he pretty much plays on his phone and sleeps all day. Starves until either I make something to eat or he'll live off of cheese and mayonnaise.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Um, your grandfather has limited resources and the very good news is that he would probably qualify for Medicaid.

Have you applied for that for him? For low income housing?
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions