My husband and I are both 68 & 63. I CAN"T STAND the women! She was a horrible mother to my husband, drank, verbally abusive, bossy. She refuses to go to senior day care, she's always seeking attention. I can't stand her
Look into Memory Care facilities, They will do the round the clock stuff and your Hubby can visit every day and have a meal together. Everyone will be happier and life at home will be more normal. If she has money well then it will be spent on her care, if she has no money then look into Medicaid. Either way......you and your Husband will save your sanity.....can't put a price on that!
My opinion is that if she is going to stay in the home, then get full time round the clock paid caregivers. It's not something either one of you can handle alone! Good luck!
Sorry, it got away from me. I was saying your husband until recently has not had an opportunity to spend much time with his mom ( assumption). Regardless of her past problems, she is his mom. I can't imagine how hard it would be to leave my home and move several states away to live where I wasn't wanted. Regardless, you are trying to cope. Can you go out to the senior home? Can you go to the beach or the library or to get a massage? Can you and your husband hire a sitter and go out for dinner? Things have changed at your home and whatever you did before won't work now because the dynamics have changed. We don't always make the best decisions. But we do have to make the best of the decisions we've made. You've been given some advice on how to move her out or leave. Neither of those suggestions will be without effort or pain. That comes with living. Regardless of what you do, realize that your best efforts will serve you well. So take care of yourself. Replenish your spirits and allow your husband this time to decide on next best steps. Just a shift in your attitude will change the atmosphere in your home. What a gift that would be.
Your question was how do you cope with your MIL moving in. The great, now deceased, Wayne Dyer, said if you are in a relationship, you are in a workshop. In your case, you are in a couple. One with your husband, one with your MIL. Regardless of what her living circumstances turn out to be, I suggest you shift your focus. Dig deep to be supportive of these two very important people during this time of need. She's been in Ohio while your husband has been in Califirnya.
Caregiving a MI in our home cost my ex and I a marriage.I took great care of her..my hubby battled alongside of me for awhile..until a jealous sister in law..convinced him I had an anger problem..then the day I asked him why he didn't stand up for me...and he said...I've only known you for three years...I've known them all my life...I went directly to my room...packed...toot toot tootsie goodby ...I cried for moms...but today it's just a distant memory...a sad one
Agree with Mt. T, but also babalou. If she was an abusive alcoholic, that is an emotional complication for the husband. May help explain why he cannot be objective in considering AL for her. Good luck.
It's amazing and sad to me that you all are so quick to tell someone to get a divorce. Really? Anything can be worked out if both parties are mature. Maybe the husband has worked through the past and forgiven his mom for her failing and maybe he's trying to honor her by giving her dignity in the final years of her life. We could all wish that others would treat us that well as we age. You all need a reality check and maybe dial down the selfish meter a little bit. I would be careful about so flippantly recommending divorce to someone you might end up with one for yourself as well.
You can't expect her to live up to what a person without dementia or frailty could do; it sounds very much like she could not be left to live on her own any more. So, if there is no way she can be a cherished part of your home and family despite her condition, rather than an intruder and a burden, she really should have an alternative living situation. But what happens when you try to have her take meals with you, for example? Are her questions nasty and pointed, or just the repetitive ones of a person with severe memory and cognitive impairment might ask? If she is actively making you miserable it is even more imperative.
angryDIL, I'm a CA girl who HAD a Ohio MIL, too. She meddled and interfered long distance stressing our young marriage which ended in divorce. I can't even imagine having a MIL to care for in my home. Complicated is right. I'm sure you have your reasons and hope you can solve this.
I'm sorry that you are being put in this situation, but her being a prisoner in her bedroom isn't the answer! I don't care how much money your husband stands to inherit, but I can definitely say, its not enough to make yours and her life a living hell for the foreseeable future, and this is coming from someone who has had my own elderly FIL (now 86), in my home for the past 12 years, since his wife passed away. Now, my FIL Does Not yet have dementia, but he does have Cancer, Diabetes, and severe mobility issues, and Yes, it is No picnic! And while every family dynamic is different, I do not see your situation working out for the long haul! I would be gathering up all of her financial paperwork, and figuring out the best placement possible, before you lose your marriage over this! I'll bet your husband isn't happy with the situation either! Good luck!
I think finances probably play a real role here. Complicated stuff. I also think the husband is very selfish, and should be considerate of both his women. Shame on him for not making some kind of compromise which would bring some relief in this situation. If you have someone living in your house that you cannot stand then trying to just endure it is not an acceptable solution.
AngryDIL, I can see how this happened and now you and hubby are trapped. Keep in mind that you are not responsible for the financial support of your MIL. Babalou has the right idea. Add up all her income savings etc and move forward with finding a place for her. As dementia patients go she could be a whole lot worse. many caregivers would happily deal with a bunch of dumb questions than finger painting the bathroom walls with poop or hiding it in a box in her room. There are far worse situations than yours but they will probably come your way as the dementia progresses .Talk to hubby in those terms and see if he is willing to care for her all day when she starts wandering and becomes incontinent. From her point of view it can not be very pleasant to be living in a situation where she is so unwelcome. Even nasty people have feelings. So it is time for her to go. This is not working and probably has no chance of ever working.
Sorry to say it sounds like the "we" in "we brought her out here" was He brought her out here. But no matter, this situation is not going to work out. Either you go or she goes. I'm guessing you will be the one to go. Reason is, you report he was already spending lots of time with her. Check casually with husband to see if he's willing to let her go to an assisted living or board and care home; if he balks, check with a divorce attorney, identify and secure your assets. See if you can make it on your own. Sorry to hear you life has gone to pieces. Dementia not only gets worse, it gets *lots* worse and she can live for *years* with this. Divorce is better than murder or suicide, so now that you're in this mess, get cracking on the way out.
Then you were a party to taking her in. It would have been best if you'd have found somewhere to place her.
At least it's your husband doing the care giving. I'd still seriously look at trying to find someplace who can care for her. You should be able to get some caregiver help so you can get out together once in awhile. I'd certainly look into it. Is it the money that's stopping you? Either she has money and you don't want it going to the nursing home, or she has no money, in which case you need to apply for Medicaid for her. In the way you talk (refusing to let her in "your" living room) I don't get the idea she's in your home because of your compassion. Maybe it's because of your husband's compassion though, and since he is willing to do the caregiving, then I think you might be obliged to leave it be, or head out on your own and leave him to it.
So here's the project. You gather all her financials and find out what her resources (pension, SS, savings) are. You gather information on Assisted Living facilities in your area. You talk to her doctor about what level of care she needs. You apply for Medicaid on her behalf if she has no assets, etc. You locate an Elder Care attorney if you need to.
This sounds like a no win situation for you all. In AL, she'd have socialization, meals prepared for her and a somewhat independent life. Get it started!
Thanks everyone for your responses. We live in CA, she has always lived in OH. He was going back 'home' several times a year and staying with her for weeks/months at a time because she can't get out of the house to shop, buy food, can't even feed herself -was living on cookies and coffee. He daughter only visited occasionally. Her GD was coming by & we were paying her $100/month to care for granny & then we found out she was stealing from her! Long story short we brought her out to live with us in CA and now my life is miserable.. no privacy, can't go anywhere because we can't leave her alone. I work all day & my husband is home with her (retired) He feeds her and she stays in her room watches TV all day (I refuse to let her in my living room, all she does is ask dumb questions stare at me and generally just invades our privacy.) She can still get to the bathroom on her own w/walker & feeds herself (we serve her meals in her room)
I agree with those posts above. Does your husband understand the progression of dementia? It's often like caring for an adult infant. Changing diapers, bathing, feeding, watching constantly, keeping them out of trouble, staying up all night, facing aggressive behavior....it's very exhausting. Taking care of someone with dementia past the early stages is very demanding. Even young and healthy people struggle. I'd discuss it with him and ask him how he thinks it's feasible.
Time to get tough and tell husband it's mom or you. Careful though... if he chooses mom, then are you able to go it alone? If so, then I say GO! You are not responsible for his mother is she wasn't much of a mother to your husband or mother in law to you in the first place.. She could live another 5 yrs or more (thought not likely). At your age you should be enjoying your "Golden" years, not putting up with someone like her out of your husband's misguided sense of responsibility. IMHO... You are in a hard place...best to you.
Ah, I see from your profile that she has dementia.
Caring for a person with dementia is not for the faint-hearted. Not to be done by one person. Really, past the early stages, you need three shifts of caregivers, professionally trained, who know how to re-direct and jolly along the patient.
How much professional care do you have coming in each week? How much caregiving does your husband do, or does it mostly fall on you?
Either way......you and your Husband will save your sanity.....can't put a price on that!
I was saying your husband until recently has not had an opportunity to spend much time with his mom ( assumption). Regardless of her past problems, she is his mom. I can't imagine how hard it would be to leave my home and move several states away to live where I wasn't wanted. Regardless, you are trying to cope. Can you go out to the senior home? Can you go to the beach or the library or to get a massage? Can you and your husband hire a sitter and go out for dinner? Things have changed at your home and whatever you did before won't work now because the dynamics have changed. We don't always make the best decisions. But we do have to make the best of the decisions we've made. You've been given some advice on how to move her out or leave. Neither of those suggestions will be without effort or pain. That comes with living. Regardless of what you do, realize that your best efforts will serve you well. So take care of yourself. Replenish your spirits and allow your husband this time to decide on next best steps. Just a shift in your attitude will change the atmosphere in your home. What a gift that would be.
She meddled and interfered long distance stressing
our young marriage which ended in divorce. I can't
even imagine having a MIL to care for in my home.
Complicated is right. I'm sure you have your reasons and
hope you can solve this.
Keep in mind that you are not responsible for the financial support of your MIL.
Babalou has the right idea. Add up all her income savings etc and move forward with finding a place for her.
As dementia patients go she could be a whole lot worse. many caregivers would happily deal with a bunch of dumb questions than finger painting the bathroom walls with poop or hiding it in a box in her room. There are far worse situations than yours but they will probably come your way as the dementia progresses .Talk to hubby in those terms and see if he is willing to care for her all day when she starts wandering and becomes incontinent.
From her point of view it can not be very pleasant to be living in a situation where she is so unwelcome. Even nasty people have feelings. So it is time for her to go. This is not working and probably has no chance of ever working.
At least it's your husband doing the care giving. I'd still seriously look at trying to find someplace who can care for her. You should be able to get some caregiver help so you can get out together once in awhile. I'd certainly look into it. Is it the money that's stopping you? Either she has money and you don't want it going to the nursing home, or she has no money, in which case you need to apply for Medicaid for her. In the way you talk (refusing to let her in "your" living room) I don't get the idea she's in your home because of your compassion. Maybe it's because of your husband's compassion though, and since he is willing to do the caregiving, then I think you might be obliged to leave it be, or head out on your own and leave him to it.
This sounds like a no win situation for you all. In AL, she'd have socialization, meals prepared for her and a somewhat independent life. Get it started!
Caring for a person with dementia is not for the faint-hearted. Not to be done by one person. Really, past the early stages, you need three shifts of caregivers, professionally trained, who know how to re-direct and jolly along the patient.
How much professional care do you have coming in each week? How much caregiving does your husband do, or does it mostly fall on you?
Is she mentally ill?