How do I cope with my MIL (97) living with my husband and I?

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My husband and I are both 68 & 63. I CAN"T STAND the women! She was a horrible mother to my husband, drank, verbally abusive, bossy. She refuses to go to senior day care, she's always seeking attention. I can't stand her

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I'm sorry that you are being put in this situation, but her being a prisoner in her bedroom isn't the answer! I don't care how much money your husband stands to inherit, but I can definitely say, its not enough to make yours and her life a living hell for the foreseeable future, and this is coming from someone who has had my own elderly FIL (now 86), in my home for the past 12 years, since his wife passed away. Now, my FIL Does Not yet have dementia, but he does have Cancer, Diabetes, and severe mobility issues, and Yes, it is No picnic! And while every family dynamic is different, I do not see your situation working out for the long haul! I would be gathering up all of her financial paperwork, and figuring out the best placement possible, before you lose your marriage over this! I'll bet your husband isn't happy with the situation either! Good luck!
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So here's the project. You gather all her financials and find out what her resources (pension, SS, savings) are. You gather information on Assisted Living facilities in your area. You talk to her doctor about what level of care she needs. You apply for Medicaid on her behalf if she has no assets, etc. You locate an Elder Care attorney if you need to.

This sounds like a no win situation for you all. In AL, she'd have socialization, meals prepared for her and a somewhat independent life. Get it started!
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Time to get tough and tell husband it's mom or you. Careful though... if he chooses mom, then are you able to go it alone? If so, then I say GO! You are not responsible for his mother is she wasn't much of a mother to your husband or mother in law to you in the first place.. She could live another 5 yrs or more (thought not likely). At your age you should be enjoying your "Golden" years, not putting up with someone like her out of your husband's misguided sense of responsibility. IMHO... You are in a hard place...best to you.
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I agree with those posts above. Does your husband understand the progression of dementia? It's often like caring for an adult infant. Changing diapers, bathing, feeding, watching constantly, keeping them out of trouble, staying up all night, facing aggressive behavior....it's very exhausting. Taking care of someone with dementia past the early stages is very demanding. Even young and healthy people struggle. I'd discuss it with him and ask him how he thinks it's feasible.
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Ah, I see from your profile that she has dementia.

Caring for a person with dementia is not for the faint-hearted. Not to be done by one person. Really, past the early stages, you need three shifts of caregivers, professionally trained, who know how to re-direct and jolly along the patient.

How much professional care do you have coming in each week? How much caregiving does your husband do, or does it mostly fall on you?
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Sorry to say it sounds like the "we" in "we brought her out here" was He brought her out here. But no matter, this situation is not going to work out. Either you go or she goes. I'm guessing you will be the one to go. Reason is, you report he was already spending lots of time with her. Check casually with husband to see if he's willing to let her go to an assisted living or board and care home; if he balks, check with a divorce attorney, identify and secure your assets. See if you can make it on your own. Sorry to hear you life has gone to pieces. Dementia not only gets worse, it gets *lots* worse and she can live for *years* with this. Divorce is better than murder or suicide, so now that you're in this mess, get cracking on the way out.
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angryDIL, I'm a CA girl who HAD a Ohio MIL, too.
She meddled and interfered long distance stressing
our young marriage which ended in divorce. I can't
even imagine having a MIL to care for in my home.
Complicated is right. I'm sure you have your reasons and
hope you can solve this.
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AngryDIL, I can see how this happened and now you and hubby are trapped.
Keep in mind that you are not responsible for the financial support of your MIL.
Babalou has the right idea. Add up all her income savings etc and move forward with finding a place for her.
As dementia patients go she could be a whole lot worse. many caregivers would happily deal with a bunch of dumb questions than finger painting the bathroom walls with poop or hiding it in a box in her room. There are far worse situations than yours but they will probably come your way as the dementia progresses .Talk to hubby in those terms and see if he is willing to care for her all day when she starts wandering and becomes incontinent.
From her point of view it can not be very pleasant to be living in a situation where she is so unwelcome. Even nasty people have feelings. So it is time for her to go. This is not working and probably has no chance of ever working.
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Might I ask why she's living with you?

Is she mentally ill?
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You can't expect her to live up to what a person without dementia or frailty could do; it sounds very much like she could not be left to live on her own any more. So, if there is no way she can be a cherished part of your home and family despite her condition, rather than an intruder and a burden, she really should have an alternative living situation. But what happens when you try to have her take meals with you, for example? Are her questions nasty and pointed, or just the repetitive ones of a person with severe memory and cognitive impairment might ask? If she is actively making you miserable it is even more imperative.
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