How do I cope with my Mom's constant requests? I feel like a servant!

Opps "fairy"

Oh yea we have a magic coffee percolator here also. I wish the good percolator fair would flutter in and scrub it when she takes the last of it and leaves it plugged in and scorches the bottom.

I totally get it Smitty. I try to get Mom to do the things that she can because from "bed to chair to bed" is not good for her. While she is still able I do the laundry and bring it up but she is required to fold and put away her own cloths. I prepare the food but she is required to serve herself. I understand how irritating it can be. Just the other day I said to her " A little appreciation would go a long way" It was in response to the daily fresh fruit that I cut for us every morning. Boy am I happy pomigranit season is finally at an end. What a p.i.t.a.
Her response was "why should I thank you, I prepared it myself." I asked her if she thought that the frig was a magic frig?" I put an empty bowl in the frig and it just fills itself with cut fresh fruit.
If she does get it she will never acknowledge it because to do so would be admitting that she needs me and take her ace card of "GET OUT" away from her. Though she seldom plays that card any longer since she thought I was trying to take her up on it.
Dont know what we can do about it but I feel you though.

I have never been in a nursing home but spent two weeks in a general hospital where many rooms on the floor were used as overflow from the nursing home floor due to overcrowding. Exactly the same staff cared for all patients and I had no complaints of the standard of care from the nurses and aides.i had uncontrolable diarrhea so needed a lot of care which was cheerfully provided. not always pleasant for patient or caregivers.

I live in NYC, but my mom is in a NH in Connecticut; before that, she lived in an Atria property in Westchester that had both Independent and Assisted Living. Both have caring and responsive staff; once in a while there is a glitch. When glitches happen, you go to the folks in charge and calmly work your way up the chain of command until you get it fixed. Save the venting for here; yelling and making a scene in a facility gets you nowhere fast.

I do not agree with you,

Perhaps it might be appropriate to point out that not all ALs or NHs are the same.

I live in central PA. It is simply NOT TRUE that the residents of the homes here do not get good care, that the employees are cold and callous, or that this system is crap.

I have heard the horror stories from the Manhattan-and-surroundings area. It might be worth it to look further afield. I have thought this many times. Wouldn't it be better to drive a bit further to have a much better facility--and cheaper? And to know that your loved one is happy while you are at work?

My mom is living like a wealthy aristocrat where she is now and, funnily sometimes, she feels and acts like one--and it costs about $3800/mo.

people like your moms do this not because they want to bother you, but because they CANNOT take care of themselves as before. My grandmom noticed despite her dementia that I was running around doing many things around her - I would clean her, cook her food, clean the apartment, do paperwork, take her to the doctors, give her the medicines, go to my job, etc etc. so dont complain people because if you keep doing it then you will feel guilty afterwards and it will come back to haunt you. Love your parents now that you still have them because we will all go sooner or later.

Bu the way, I had my grandmom under my care for 35 years and I never complained because I loved her. That should tell you something. It was just me and her because my mother has also her own health issues. Learn a lesson from this ok?

I do not agree with Pamstegman. If you move her to assisted living or a nursing home you will regret it. I had my grandmom under my care. She got dehydrated, got admitted at a hospital then at the same time my mother broke her hips. I had them both on a wheelchair. I have a spine condition with torn discs from an accident and could not help them much as before in terms of being next to them for hours and hours with each but I was there every day, just imagine my situation. They were transferred to a nursing home. I tried to keep an eye on both for a few minutes. Both were ignored at a nursing home in the Bronx, my grandmom was not cleaned or even helped to the bathroom. Her clothes were not changed. We found her with bruises on her forehead and chest congested because there was no heat in her room. They are killers in those nursing homes and assisted living places. If you think otherwise ok. but in general those people are all cold, callous, they are only there for the money. they dont care about the elderly patients. Dont tell me your nursing home is the best. The whole system is crap. They are the ones who decide who will live and who will not. They did not give my grandmom all her medicines. I saw this. In short, if you decide to place your relatives in a nursing home do not feel guilty about what happens later on to them. They will die. Go ahead do like everyone else does in this country. Keep complaining that you feel like a servant, if you really feel so then just take her to a nursing home and then tell me later how you feel. All nursing homes are disgusting in this country and the government protects them. Go ask a lawyer and you will see. If you love your parents the way I did you will take care of them UNTIL they die with you and not in some unfamiliar cold place with indifferent people with two faces who just keep looking at their watch to keep track of when their shift will end/

This so helpful a post,...exactly like my mum,...she has always been very independent now she can t get to all the things she sees needs done. I agree not OCD it is more a habit and attitude deeply engraind about servants and service she is due. My mum sees me as the arms to do all she sees needs doing. But in her fittest day she couldn t deal with all these tasks at once,...she becomes overwhelmed. This is where all the critisms come from as I can only do one thing at a time! Discuss this with other carers,...I also tell my mum ,..what do you want me to do first.

First, I agree about AL or NH. It might sound impossible sometimes but it is not. The leg work, and it is a lot of leg work, will be well worth it.

If you do keep her at home, I am not sure what "your shift" means. Are you "on" for a number of hours? I would try to break that up. In other words, one hour on, one off.

Last night I lost my patience with my husband just ever so briefly and I know how rotten that makes you feel. In our case, it is not requests but just the fact that I have to keep repeating. Now that I am retired, the repeating goes on for many more hours per day. It was late, I was tired, and he just wasn't answering me. God, so frustrating. I can imagine that the requests are just as frustrating.

Good luck!

I agree with zookeeper, move her to Assisted Living if possible. Caring for them is one thing, and constant abuse is another. You save your own life first. Know your limits, draw the line in the sand, and leave when she belittles you.

You are her servant and will be for the rest of her life. If that's not OK, place her in a more appropriate care setting as soon as you can. You will only grow to resent her more and more. It's not about OCD. It's about the nature of the job of caregiving. You have to be WILLING AND able. Not all of us are cut out for it. Some of us need to be ringing the bell, not answering it. Your mom is a classic bell-ringer. The apple does not fall from the tree, so it may be that your own need to be ringing the bell interferes with your ability to answer one.

Tell Mom to give you some time to respond back as you might be in the middle of doing something else and you want to make sure it was done right. I have a bit of OCD, so if I were your Mom I would understand "make sure it was done right".

Whatever you do, do not give Mom a bell to ring when she wants your attention :P

Since your mom doesn't have dementia I think you're perfectly within your right to tell your mom, "I heard you mom. I will get to it in a few minutes." You're not there to be your mom's servant, you're there to help her and you're doing it out of the goodness of your heart.

This is where my mantra "Just one more thing" comes from. It is very irritating, so I understand how you feel. I like that there are other caregivers, so you get to share the chores. Doing the small things can eat up our time one bite at a time. And at the end of it, we don't feel like we've accomplished anything. My mother is not OCD or very meticulous, but she still requires a lot of maintenance -- one thing at a time.