How do I cope with my Mom's constant requests? I feel like a servant!

Jennifer, my mom was just like that. Very picky and very demanding. And reallly too much cognitive impaiment to respond real well to reasonable limit-setting, plus it was nerve-wracking to be trying to do something for her that she actually needed done while being constantly yelled at to hurry up. My mom went into facility care and I ended up having to keep my visits short, task-oriented, and pleasantly chatty as well as we could with her hearing being as bad as it was.

As a general theory, you can try just checking every 5-10 minutes or so and work that up to 15-120 so you can do other things a little, i.e. make your attention non-contingent on her bell-ringing or other demands and it may or may not work either.

Now my husband was a lot more reasonable - he was kind of doing that after his hip surgery and quickly dropping into a pattern of over-dependent on me for things he could do for himself but was nervous about, so I used the "honey just wait a minute" method of rehabilitation. You might be able to get mom to tolerate reasonable delays too. Maybe with the store thing, write it on a list and only go to the store twice a week as a routine, and then go back over the items with the checklist in hand once you have them.

I feel your pain. I take care of my 87 year old mother in my home, since she could no longer live on her own and had no where to go. She lives in the basement of my house and it is very difficult since she does not have a shower, only a powder room. She suffers from Parkinson's so for months she was not able to come upstairs and she had to have sponge baths. Now she is on the medication and is better, but she now comes upstairs and drives me crazy in my kitchen and family room. I have two teenagers who can no longer hang out in the basement with their friends so I have to listen to them make noise upstairs. My mother also has endless requests of things to do or buy at the store, since she can no longer drive. When I do buy her things she is never satisfied and I have to return things often. I don't know what the right answer is since I agree that many nursing homes/assisted living places are not run well, but it is very difficult for adult children to care for their parents unless they had a special relationship growing up. I continue to look for an assisted living place that takes medicaid in NY so that I can have some peace and hopefully she will get the care she needs.

My mother used to say "your"ll miss me when I am gone" truth be told I did not but that's another story

I wish I could tell you to not take it personally, but for some that is not possible. You say there are other caregivers. Is it possible to shorten your shifts? Believe it or not, her frustration at being unable to care for herself is far greater than your frustration at being bossed around. She is probably miserable being in so much pain. Apologize for your angry outburst - no matter who is at fault, she needs to know you care, and it may give her an opportunity to apologize, too. Honestly, I prayed constantly, in my head, under my breath, and aloud. Now, one parent has passed away and I miss even his grumpiness, and the other has dementia, and I miss her even more because she's here and yet she's not. God bless.

Pamstegman, I appreciate your down to earth answers. Just beginning to figure it out, but about the time I do, something else pops up. Thanks to all of you that offer ideas to help and such encouragement in our need. Yes, it does help to know we are not alone. God bless us one and all.

Just recall how she answered your requests since you came into this world. Amen.

Have you ever heard of Pavlogs (sp) dog . He tested dogs using a bell and when ever the bell rang--(food was involved) the dog sprang to attention to it. People are conditioned to this kind of behavior too. Your Mother is pavlog and you are the dog. She rings her bell and you jump. (I went through this same thing with my Mother not as bad as yours but same problem). Everything my Mother wanted ---I jumped until my legs buckled and I said enough is enough. You have to determine whats R-E-A-L-LY I-M-P-O-R-T-A-N-T vs. what she feels like she wants (i.e. DEMANDS) You have to retrain yourself.-------Daughter---I want the remote-----Take your time dear......(MEANING I want it now)( You ----) I'll do it in a moment Mom----
then you take your time doing it . You're going to have to grit your teeth and listen to her prattlings and clucking but you have to DO THIS FOR YOURSELF.(restrain from getting it right now---you have to re-train her!!!!!!!!! She has to learn there are no strings attached to your mind, hands and feet. YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN TEACH HER. You have to teach TOUGH LOVE to both of you and YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE that can do it. Toughen up girl!

It is hard not to jump when your mother makes a demand, but you are going to have to learn to just ignore. My mother is the same way. You can't control them, you can only control your reaction. And sometimes i feel that I would rather be out of the room fetching or doing for her than listening to her complain. So just do what is best for you. Oh if i point out to my mother that she demanding something all the time...like as soon as i sit down from one chore she has another, she gets very apologetic and says, oh i don't mean to do it now, i just wanted to let you know i need it. yea boy. anywho, they just get that way, you can only control your reaction to it and don't feel bad if you just ignore her...and sometimes it does help to pretend that you are just a paid caregiver helping out an old person.

Suggest you make a written list that she can see and check off all her requests when completed. I think she will be more aware of how much you do. Add all the chores you do automatically as well.

Most of the time there is no way to handle it, especially with narcissists. It may well not be nice but I have a tendency simply to shout down my mom. I have told her a) I will not say how high just because you say jump. b) I will go downstairs to the bathroom without informing you every time.
I did this because she started to 'lecture' (I knew exactly what she was going to say). Instructions on how to inform her of my movements ("this would be avoided if you told me...' "I am not going to tell you every time I go downstairs to pee.' she tries to repeat what she said, and I have found I can just over ride her. As a youngster, having to listen to her freakin 'lectures' for hours on end involving total drivel, I find it empowering simply to over ride and over talk her. I make my point, she gets it and copes with it as well as she can.
Mom is the type who can dish it out but she can't take her own medicine. We get along pretty well. If I go downstairs I usually tell her, that is courteous. I hadn't even gone downstairs and I had my hands full when she started yelling. I am not going to drop stirring something that will scorch if I stop and I'm not going to take the pot off the stove either.

Is there anything else she could focus her mind on? Listening to music or recorded books, for example? Visual or audio presentations on things that interest her?

With nothing to distract her, sounds like she focuses only on the immediate concern, no matter how trivial.

If your mom knows she's doing this...and has been a controlling mother, just let her know when something she's asking you do to is not important and don't do it! Just because you care for your mom doesn't mean that you have to jump for every menial thing she's asking you for! My father can be abusive by saying things that he knows will make me angry...and I've learned to IGNORE him and just walk away!! He stops saying nasty things when he knows it doesn't affect me. Example: He used to ask me for a certain type of dessert at least twice a day daily! I finally got soooo sick of him asking me all the time that I bought him boxes of these cooking and left them out for him to eat...until he got sick of eating so many. He never asked me for those cookies anymore!! Anyway...goooood luck with that and remember, you are not a whipping mat for someone else's misery!

Hi...dealing with someone who is pain is very difficult and sometimes they may not be really aware how they are acting. Talking to her may help...but you might benefit from a little counseling.....I did...it taught me how to answer correctly, to diffuse situations and to change my mindset. I too was feeling resentful, overwhelmed and tired..but when I realized it was often the "illness" speaking not her .... I learned not to react in ways that were harmful to me...I coped much better.

Caregiving patience comes and goes in waves. There are days you take it all with stride and others you feel like you are drowning and can not breath. It is important to take care of yourself. Easier said than done. I am in a different situation than you, in that I moved in to fulfill a promise that my grandfather could die at home. I have my own home and I had a life beyond his care. This few month stent because he was dying, has gone on now for 32 mos. He has been officially under hospice care at home for 16 mos.(he get a total of 3 hrs/wk from them, the rest falls to me but I have better tools to manage discomfort). I lost count how many times he was very close to the edge but somehow recovers. I have been in almost constant state of alert with life and death. I have held on because it constantly appears that it will not be much longer. I have no more life. I can not make plans because one of his episodes make me drop my plans to rush home for him. Reality is that this has destroyed my business. I should never had made that promise. I seek to find the lessons in this experience. I am very caring and loving but my personality is not one that can handle being trapped or constant repetition (I am...was fiercely independent). People have told me that I will never regret this but I already do. If I had any clue what I was committing to, I would never have done it. I feel like I have been ripped apart and beaten (figuratively... no physical abuse on either side) When he finally does die I will not be able to go back to being me. Like a spring that has been stretched too long, I will not go back to my old self. So the quick answer is get out. If you are just living there to save money, it will cost you more in the end. It can deteriorate your health. It sounds like caring for her is killing you. If you are stubborn like I am... I am going to keep this promise even if it kills me and it just might.... then I suggest seeking and experimenting with healthy coping and communication. My grandfather is a strong self centered man but basically a good man with many admirable traits... but he expects women to wait on him. He is 96 and from another era. He has had his own learning curve with me fixing the bathroom sink instead of having a man do it. I have learned to calmly explain myself with reason, state my expectations as well as seek to understand his feelings and his desires... God knows he would never talk about fears. I have worked at stopping my tendency to imagine what he wants and now I ask him. Many times I am right (I can tell you want he is thinking just by the subtle movements on his face) but sometimes he surprises me by the answer. It is also good to make him use his words... make his actions a conscious effort not a subconscious reaction. I also have done better at setting boundaries. Boundaries that are shared and understood by both parties. (I am grateful my grandfather still has his mind for the most part and can do this. My heart goes out to all who struggle with caring for those with mind issues). Lord knows I feared open communication with him with all my soul. I was terrified that he would be angry with me. After all he was the great and powerful Oz. I was grandpa's little girl, he was the adult. But I faced those fears, since I was back into a corner. The stress was tearing my body apart. I should have been hospitalized twice with severe abdomen pain but refused to go because there was no one to take care of him. So I really had no choice. If I was going to survive the experience and keep my promise, I had to grow up, change my relationship with my grandfather, and have a heart to heart. He was uncomfortable with it as much as I was. But we got through it. I had to be the adult and not expect him to lead, know, or understand what I was going through. And we have had several conversations that I would never have had dreamed of having with him. And this ability to state my needs has improved my other relationships. So I will not be the same person and it will probably take months to heal and start a new life but I do have some great communication skills that will make me a better person in the end. Interesting, as I reflect on this, maybe I will not regret it... but I will say it has been a very costly learning experience. But it is only a learning experience if I look at it that way. If I choice to find the gold in all this dirt. If she holds over you the living situation and will not talk to you as an equal, get out. If you do not have all the ingredient to make a cake... it does not matter what you want, it just will not come out right. If you are angry or have strong emotions, it means your needs are not getting met. What are they? Identify it and then share your expectations. Don't assume the other person knows. It might still require compromise and you will still have bad days but it will be better. Remember no one can make you feel anything, that is your choice. Now all this sounds rosy and it is not. No one is going to live happily-ever-after. He still thinks women should take care of the house... he can still be demanding and get angry when he can not always get his way... but it is better and we can talk when new issues come up. I am not going to change him but I have made living with him a little bit easier... or at least I am handling it better. It is all about perception and you have control of that.

Points to ponder:
+ avoid a bell... I bought a wireless doorbell for him and it makes me gag every time I hear it ring...even on my good days. And if you do not move fast enough it can become their weapon.

+ read inspiring books like "The Four Agreements". To me the most important agreement is "Never take it personal". Remember her life is also turned upside down... she has her own issues and fears to contend with. The "Five Languages of Love" is another excellent book. You and your mother may have different languages (or expression) of love and appreciation. Maybe your mother sees love as service but you see it as words of appreciation and neither are getting their needs met. If your mother has her facilities, read it together and discuss it.

+ Breath.... several times a day, take good deep breaths.

+ Find areas of your life you can control... like eating, exercise. Care for yourself by eating whole foods and drinking plenty of pure water. Try eliminating sugar. Personally when I eat sugar I have lower emotional tolerance. And movement helps the nerves. Give yourself some loving kindness and seek to understand.

My mother was the same way during her 2 month stay in a nursing home before she passed away 2 weeks ago. It was very exhausting, but looking back I know she was lonely and just so ill and miserable she didn't know any other way to be. Towards the end she became very appreciative and apologized for being so demanding all the time. We had one huge blowout around Thanksgiving and cleared the air and things got easier. I miss her so much and even her crazy demands. Just breathe and tell her you're doing your best. She appreciates you even though you may not feel it. Good luck!

Whether you are the caregiver or the recipient, everyone acts and reacts differently. Some are wired to be caregivers - and some aren't. Likewise, some elderly are easy to take care of while others are unreasonably demanding, embittered, combative or abusive.

My mother's dementia has created the latter for me. Sure, I tried my best to keep her independent, but she eventually became a danger to herself and the situation became more than I could handle (bogus calls to the police, yelling at the postman and neighbors, false allegations of theft and abuse, racial diatribes, etc.). In her mind, she was no longer safe in the home, but instead of being fearful, she was violent and abusive. It was actually her idea to move to Assisted Living and it was a Godsend.

But there's something I wanted to say to Smitty. After years - and in hindsight really decades - of taking the verbal abuse, accusations and threatening behavior, I simply became void of emotion toward the woman. I can't help it but the fact is I no have an emotional investment. Sure, I do my duty and ensure that she gets proper health care (and yes, there are good places out there), but the days where I have any emotional connection are long gone. If you see yourself heading in this direction, do what you can to get help for her and for yourself - but also realize that you are only human. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty about what you feel.

RSTORMFIELD, you seem to speak from a place of much bitterness. That is not a good place to give advice from.

If it comes down to daughter's life being shredded to pieces because she has a demanding mom - no matter the relation - then mom is dying, and taking her daughter with her. If her mom actually knew she was doing this to her daughter and cared, she wouldn't do it.

But she doesn't know, and doesn't care to know. Daughter needs to draw some lines in order to be healthy for mom and herself. Put her own air mask on first... My mom can be demanding and it helps when I remind her I can only do so much, and some stuff is just not important, or can wait. Lucky for me, mom understands and finally agrees.

Set up your own guidelines, rules, barriers ... let her know and stick to them. Tell her you love her and here is what you will and will not do. One day she will be gone.

It really sounds like YOU are the one who needs the professional help. Being a caregiver is just that. You care for someone else because they cannot care for themselves. If you cannot do it, find someone to replace you, otherwise, consider this your volunteer work with no benefits except pride.

Tight hugs to Smittie.

I'm with you, careing4two. I get upset, too, and feel very badly afterwards. I pray and it never changes. Can't get a grip on it. I look at it this way so I don't completely HATE myself, she doesn't remember jack five minutes later, so, carry on, Soldier. A little bitching does not compare to all of the work we do for them. Nuff said. Crying helps me, too. There's no shame in that! Hugs.

"You save your own life first." Best advice I've seen on here, ever. Every nursing home in this country is NOT and abusive place full of elder killers. I am a witness to that. If it were not for AL's or NH's, a slew of we caregivers would be dead before the elder passes on!!

Sometimes I feel like a monster daily because I get angry or frustrated then when I do I HATE MYSELF for days after. I don't have it as bad as you, mine can do somethings for themselves most of the time they don't but I know what you are talking about. My mom is very much like yours and now I can't help to think does she have OCD. I love this site cause it give's me such a seance/feeling of (I don't know) I know this sounds horrible but I feel better knowing others have the same problems I do. Oh I am so sorry for saying that, but for some reason it comforts me knowing I am not the only one that falls apart, that cries everyday, that loose's there temper, etc. I don't have an answer for you but I do want you to know I think your normal, I think we are all normal, and for those who say maybe seeing a therapist will help, all of you are my therapist (what good will it be sitting in a office and crying all the time) I have all of you and you all know what it is REALLY like. I hope this helps you feel better in some way take a deep breath maybe 2-3-10 cause today is another day. Thank you for sharing your feelings I wish I could hug you.

You're blessed to have other caregivers. I live with the same thing, but it's not my mother, she is a friend. Same behavior. The only break I get from this is sleep. If I get up to leave the room to use the bathroom or to cook, she starts up. Sometimes I hear her practicing when she thinks I went outside. ha ha. She has told me that she panics if I am not at her side. The other day I went to pick up a med for her, 2 blocks away. She was napping when I returned and scolded me over an hour later because she thought I was still gone and had gotten into an accident or a traffic jam. I have no choice. I am the only caregiver and the only alternative is a nursing home which is typically hell on earth. I say learn to deal with it and do not punish her by sending her away. Most nursing home employees are abusive. Some aren't. I wouldn't want to take that risk and expose her to any abuse at all. js

Hi Katie222,

I get it, and I am sorry that you had that experience. It sounds horrible. You are right to take it one day at a time--that is what I do, too.

Just for today everything is O.K.

Ah, this conversation takes me back!

Four years ago, my husband, mother and I rented a beach house for the winter. The first thing I did (after we unpacked) was to write down the TV channels on a piece of paper so that they could refer to it, and show them how to turn the TV on (more than one remote). On my honor: it took a full six weeks for them, both of them, to figure out how to turn the TV on and off. I couldn't believe it! They NEVER knew which was which channel--even though the paper was on the coffee table. "What channel is CNN?" --90 times a day.

Now, my husband cannot use my cell phone. I have to make all of the calls and hand him the phone. He can hardly use the computer any more and is always "losing things," like e-mails, some of which I can find, some not. To "go back," he just hits the delete button, and then wonders what happened. I have to say, technology has not necessarily made aging easier.

On most days, I do all of these little, niggling things with a smile and love. But if I don't feel good? Whew, it is hard, hard to have breakfast and make plans for the day with someone who hasn't put his hearing aids in!

What keeps me caring for my Mom even during the toughest times is the memory of how 2 nursing homes failed her during 2 rehab stints for a broken arm only. The first one did not listen to my concerns that she was not herself. My Mom does not have dementia or sundowners. The physical therapists howled that she was not responding to therapy and when I told her and the nurses that she was not herself and something was wrong, I got a litany of "old people are like that" and a bunch of **** about sundowners. When my Mom was finally sent to the ER in an ambulance by the facility physician with delirium from a raging UTI that was causing her behavior, the intake nurse at the hospital asked me about a stage IV wound in her back....I freaked out as I was never told by this NH about a wound!!!! They just left her lying there and allowed it to happen. This was a 5 star medicare rated facility, so I don't believe the ratings one bit! I did not send my Mom back to that place. I since see that someone else has a huge lawsuit on them which does not surprise me if they run things that way! The second rehab facility, also a 5 star rating, half of the staff was ok and the other half indifferent and lazy. They didn't keep her clean enough and she ended up in hospital for 6 weeks with IV therapy for an infection. Now she can no longer walk and is bedridden. Every time I think I am being pushed and running around caring for her I think of the bad experiences in those places and take things one day at a time. When I get through the day, that in itself is an accomplishment and I feel fulfilled knowing I got through one more day. Even if I don't accomplish everything on my list, if I get some of the things done at least that is a move in the positive direction. Take it one day at a time and be glad at the end of each day what you accomplish. it really helps to compartmentalize a day or never more than a week at a time.

I didn't teach her to reset the coffee maker, so after the automatic 2 hour shut off she has to microwave a second cup if she wants it hot. (part of the dementia... I showed her how to set it up for a timed start in the morning (took 2 years to do solo), she asked what if I want a cup later in the day? I gave her a variety of solutions that were coupled with a blank stare, then I told her she had to make a fresh pot. She said that the coffee in there is being wasted. A few days later she explained her microwave solution. FYI that was the solution I gave her. It's like that all the time now. When I over hear her conversations with the In Laws all my work and solutions are her own I am never mentioned or credited. That bothers me more then it should I think.

Yessss, panapal. I'm right there. I don't live with my MIL(she lives alone) but I do most everything for her including the magic fridge. She folds and puts away her own clothes. In the recent "snow storm" I had her stay with us to save myself the worry and from having to travel in bad conditions. With us, she was so uncomfortable in her unfamiliar surroundings(Dementia with a hint of OCD), at least that's what I told my children when they mentioned that she treats me like a servant.
I do believe it's true that her discomfort lead her to a serious lack of gratitude. When we got back to her home, she thanked me for giving her the opportunity of having her own home to go to... the work isn't any less but it's a little less frustrating when you know they appreciate it. ( I wish the rest of his family would appreciate it)

Panapal. You can solve the percolator problem by purchasing one of the expensive coffee makers that uses the disposable "cups' All more expensive but it does save frustration. You can actually use reuseable containers that you fill with regular coffee grounds