How do I cope with my Mom's constant requests? I feel like a servant!

This is where my mantra "Just one more thing" comes from. It is very irritating, so I understand how you feel. I like that there are other caregivers, so you get to share the chores. Doing the small things can eat up our time one bite at a time. And at the end of it, we don't feel like we've accomplished anything. My mother is not OCD or very meticulous, but she still requires a lot of maintenance -- one thing at a time.

Since your mom doesn't have dementia I think you're perfectly within your right to tell your mom, "I heard you mom. I will get to it in a few minutes." You're not there to be your mom's servant, you're there to help her and you're doing it out of the goodness of your heart.

Tell Mom to give you some time to respond back as you might be in the middle of doing something else and you want to make sure it was done right. I have a bit of OCD, so if I were your Mom I would understand "make sure it was done right".

Whatever you do, do not give Mom a bell to ring when she wants your attention :P

You are her servant and will be for the rest of her life. If that's not OK, place her in a more appropriate care setting as soon as you can. You will only grow to resent her more and more. It's not about OCD. It's about the nature of the job of caregiving. You have to be WILLING AND able. Not all of us are cut out for it. Some of us need to be ringing the bell, not answering it. Your mom is a classic bell-ringer. The apple does not fall from the tree, so it may be that your own need to be ringing the bell interferes with your ability to answer one.

I agree with zookeeper, move her to Assisted Living if possible. Caring for them is one thing, and constant abuse is another. You save your own life first. Know your limits, draw the line in the sand, and leave when she belittles you.

First, I agree about AL or NH. It might sound impossible sometimes but it is not. The leg work, and it is a lot of leg work, will be well worth it.

If you do keep her at home, I am not sure what "your shift" means. Are you "on" for a number of hours? I would try to break that up. In other words, one hour on, one off.

Last night I lost my patience with my husband just ever so briefly and I know how rotten that makes you feel. In our case, it is not requests but just the fact that I have to keep repeating. Now that I am retired, the repeating goes on for many more hours per day. It was late, I was tired, and he just wasn't answering me. God, so frustrating. I can imagine that the requests are just as frustrating.

Good luck!

This so helpful a post,...exactly like my mum,...she has always been very independent now she can t get to all the things she sees needs done. I agree not OCD it is more a habit and attitude deeply engraind about servants and service she is due. My mum sees me as the arms to do all she sees needs doing. But in her fittest day she couldn t deal with all these tasks at once,...she becomes overwhelmed. This is where all the critisms come from as I can only do one thing at a time! Discuss this with other carers,...I also tell my mum ,..what do you want me to do first.

I do not agree with Pamstegman. If you move her to assisted living or a nursing home you will regret it. I had my grandmom under my care. She got dehydrated, got admitted at a hospital then at the same time my mother broke her hips. I had them both on a wheelchair. I have a spine condition with torn discs from an accident and could not help them much as before in terms of being next to them for hours and hours with each but I was there every day, just imagine my situation. They were transferred to a nursing home. I tried to keep an eye on both for a few minutes. Both were ignored at a nursing home in the Bronx, my grandmom was not cleaned or even helped to the bathroom. Her clothes were not changed. We found her with bruises on her forehead and chest congested because there was no heat in her room. They are killers in those nursing homes and assisted living places. If you think otherwise ok. but in general those people are all cold, callous, they are only there for the money. they dont care about the elderly patients. Dont tell me your nursing home is the best. The whole system is crap. They are the ones who decide who will live and who will not. They did not give my grandmom all her medicines. I saw this. In short, if you decide to place your relatives in a nursing home do not feel guilty about what happens later on to them. They will die. Go ahead do like everyone else does in this country. Keep complaining that you feel like a servant, if you really feel so then just take her to a nursing home and then tell me later how you feel. All nursing homes are disgusting in this country and the government protects them. Go ask a lawyer and you will see. If you love your parents the way I did you will take care of them UNTIL they die with you and not in some unfamiliar cold place with indifferent people with two faces who just keep looking at their watch to keep track of when their shift will end/

Bu the way, I had my grandmom under my care for 35 years and I never complained because I loved her. That should tell you something. It was just me and her because my mother has also her own health issues. Learn a lesson from this ok?

people like your moms do this not because they want to bother you, but because they CANNOT take care of themselves as before. My grandmom noticed despite her dementia that I was running around doing many things around her - I would clean her, cook her food, clean the apartment, do paperwork, take her to the doctors, give her the medicines, go to my job, etc etc. so dont complain people because if you keep doing it then you will feel guilty afterwards and it will come back to haunt you. Love your parents now that you still have them because we will all go sooner or later.

Perhaps it might be appropriate to point out that not all ALs or NHs are the same.

I live in central PA. It is simply NOT TRUE that the residents of the homes here do not get good care, that the employees are cold and callous, or that this system is crap.

I have heard the horror stories from the Manhattan-and-surroundings area. It might be worth it to look further afield. I have thought this many times. Wouldn't it be better to drive a bit further to have a much better facility--and cheaper? And to know that your loved one is happy while you are at work?

My mom is living like a wealthy aristocrat where she is now and, funnily sometimes, she feels and acts like one--and it costs about $3800/mo.

I do not agree with you,

I live in NYC, but my mom is in a NH in Connecticut; before that, she lived in an Atria property in Westchester that had both Independent and Assisted Living. Both have caring and responsive staff; once in a while there is a glitch. When glitches happen, you go to the folks in charge and calmly work your way up the chain of command until you get it fixed. Save the venting for here; yelling and making a scene in a facility gets you nowhere fast.

I have never been in a nursing home but spent two weeks in a general hospital where many rooms on the floor were used as overflow from the nursing home floor due to overcrowding. Exactly the same staff cared for all patients and I had no complaints of the standard of care from the nurses and aides.i had uncontrolable diarrhea so needed a lot of care which was cheerfully provided. not always pleasant for patient or caregivers.

I totally get it Smitty. I try to get Mom to do the things that she can because from "bed to chair to bed" is not good for her. While she is still able I do the laundry and bring it up but she is required to fold and put away her own cloths. I prepare the food but she is required to serve herself. I understand how irritating it can be. Just the other day I said to her " A little appreciation would go a long way" It was in response to the daily fresh fruit that I cut for us every morning. Boy am I happy pomigranit season is finally at an end. What a p.i.t.a.
Her response was "why should I thank you, I prepared it myself." I asked her if she thought that the frig was a magic frig?" I put an empty bowl in the frig and it just fills itself with cut fresh fruit.
If she does get it she will never acknowledge it because to do so would be admitting that she needs me and take her ace card of "GET OUT" away from her. Though she seldom plays that card any longer since she thought I was trying to take her up on it.
Dont know what we can do about it but I feel you though.

Oh yea we have a magic coffee percolator here also. I wish the good percolator fair would flutter in and scrub it when she takes the last of it and leaves it plugged in and scorches the bottom.

Opps "fairy"

Panapal. You can solve the percolator problem by purchasing one of the expensive coffee makers that uses the disposable "cups' All more expensive but it does save frustration. You can actually use reuseable containers that you fill with regular coffee grounds

Yessss, panapal. I'm right there. I don't live with my MIL(she lives alone) but I do most everything for her including the magic fridge. She folds and puts away her own clothes. In the recent "snow storm" I had her stay with us to save myself the worry and from having to travel in bad conditions. With us, she was so uncomfortable in her unfamiliar surroundings(Dementia with a hint of OCD), at least that's what I told my children when they mentioned that she treats me like a servant.
I do believe it's true that her discomfort lead her to a serious lack of gratitude. When we got back to her home, she thanked me for giving her the opportunity of having her own home to go to... the work isn't any less but it's a little less frustrating when you know they appreciate it. ( I wish the rest of his family would appreciate it)

I didn't teach her to reset the coffee maker, so after the automatic 2 hour shut off she has to microwave a second cup if she wants it hot. (part of the dementia... I showed her how to set it up for a timed start in the morning (took 2 years to do solo), she asked what if I want a cup later in the day? I gave her a variety of solutions that were coupled with a blank stare, then I told her she had to make a fresh pot. She said that the coffee in there is being wasted. A few days later she explained her microwave solution. FYI that was the solution I gave her. It's like that all the time now. When I over hear her conversations with the In Laws all my work and solutions are her own I am never mentioned or credited. That bothers me more then it should I think.

What keeps me caring for my Mom even during the toughest times is the memory of how 2 nursing homes failed her during 2 rehab stints for a broken arm only. The first one did not listen to my concerns that she was not herself. My Mom does not have dementia or sundowners. The physical therapists howled that she was not responding to therapy and when I told her and the nurses that she was not herself and something was wrong, I got a litany of "old people are like that" and a bunch of **** about sundowners. When my Mom was finally sent to the ER in an ambulance by the facility physician with delirium from a raging UTI that was causing her behavior, the intake nurse at the hospital asked me about a stage IV wound in her back....I freaked out as I was never told by this NH about a wound!!!! They just left her lying there and allowed it to happen. This was a 5 star medicare rated facility, so I don't believe the ratings one bit! I did not send my Mom back to that place. I since see that someone else has a huge lawsuit on them which does not surprise me if they run things that way! The second rehab facility, also a 5 star rating, half of the staff was ok and the other half indifferent and lazy. They didn't keep her clean enough and she ended up in hospital for 6 weeks with IV therapy for an infection. Now she can no longer walk and is bedridden. Every time I think I am being pushed and running around caring for her I think of the bad experiences in those places and take things one day at a time. When I get through the day, that in itself is an accomplishment and I feel fulfilled knowing I got through one more day. Even if I don't accomplish everything on my list, if I get some of the things done at least that is a move in the positive direction. Take it one day at a time and be glad at the end of each day what you accomplish. it really helps to compartmentalize a day or never more than a week at a time.

Ah, this conversation takes me back!

Four years ago, my husband, mother and I rented a beach house for the winter. The first thing I did (after we unpacked) was to write down the TV channels on a piece of paper so that they could refer to it, and show them how to turn the TV on (more than one remote). On my honor: it took a full six weeks for them, both of them, to figure out how to turn the TV on and off. I couldn't believe it! They NEVER knew which was which channel--even though the paper was on the coffee table. "What channel is CNN?" --90 times a day.

Now, my husband cannot use my cell phone. I have to make all of the calls and hand him the phone. He can hardly use the computer any more and is always "losing things," like e-mails, some of which I can find, some not. To "go back," he just hits the delete button, and then wonders what happened. I have to say, technology has not necessarily made aging easier.

On most days, I do all of these little, niggling things with a smile and love. But if I don't feel good? Whew, it is hard, hard to have breakfast and make plans for the day with someone who hasn't put his hearing aids in!

Hi Katie222,

I get it, and I am sorry that you had that experience. It sounds horrible. You are right to take it one day at a time--that is what I do, too.

Just for today everything is O.K.

You're blessed to have other caregivers. I live with the same thing, but it's not my mother, she is a friend. Same behavior. The only break I get from this is sleep. If I get up to leave the room to use the bathroom or to cook, she starts up. Sometimes I hear her practicing when she thinks I went outside. ha ha. She has told me that she panics if I am not at her side. The other day I went to pick up a med for her, 2 blocks away. She was napping when I returned and scolded me over an hour later because she thought I was still gone and had gotten into an accident or a traffic jam. I have no choice. I am the only caregiver and the only alternative is a nursing home which is typically hell on earth. I say learn to deal with it and do not punish her by sending her away. Most nursing home employees are abusive. Some aren't. I wouldn't want to take that risk and expose her to any abuse at all. js

Sometimes I feel like a monster daily because I get angry or frustrated then when I do I HATE MYSELF for days after. I don't have it as bad as you, mine can do somethings for themselves most of the time they don't but I know what you are talking about. My mom is very much like yours and now I can't help to think does she have OCD. I love this site cause it give's me such a seance/feeling of (I don't know) I know this sounds horrible but I feel better knowing others have the same problems I do. Oh I am so sorry for saying that, but for some reason it comforts me knowing I am not the only one that falls apart, that cries everyday, that loose's there temper, etc. I don't have an answer for you but I do want you to know I think your normal, I think we are all normal, and for those who say maybe seeing a therapist will help, all of you are my therapist (what good will it be sitting in a office and crying all the time) I have all of you and you all know what it is REALLY like. I hope this helps you feel better in some way take a deep breath maybe 2-3-10 cause today is another day. Thank you for sharing your feelings I wish I could hug you.

"You save your own life first." Best advice I've seen on here, ever. Every nursing home in this country is NOT and abusive place full of elder killers. I am a witness to that. If it were not for AL's or NH's, a slew of we caregivers would be dead before the elder passes on!!

I'm with you, careing4two. I get upset, too, and feel very badly afterwards. I pray and it never changes. Can't get a grip on it. I look at it this way so I don't completely HATE myself, she doesn't remember jack five minutes later, so, carry on, Soldier. A little bitching does not compare to all of the work we do for them. Nuff said. Crying helps me, too. There's no shame in that! Hugs.

Tight hugs to Smittie.

It really sounds like YOU are the one who needs the professional help. Being a caregiver is just that. You care for someone else because they cannot care for themselves. If you cannot do it, find someone to replace you, otherwise, consider this your volunteer work with no benefits except pride.

Set up your own guidelines, rules, barriers ... let her know and stick to them. Tell her you love her and here is what you will and will not do. One day she will be gone.