How do I cope with my Mom when she is stubborn and mean and I am so angry at her?
I am so filled with guilt over not being able to cope with my anger toward my mother and now she is elderly (80 years old) and needs some care giving from me. She lives by herself; I live 3 blocks away from her. I feel bad because we do not have a healthy relationship. I wish I could fix it, but she is a mean person and has been all of my life. Obviously, she is never going to change or admit that she needs to. She continues this nasty behavior and will not admit that she is at any fault. Her opinion is that I do not try hard enough or give her any "slack". She wishes my father were alive to see what I am doing to her. I love her but I don't like her. She is not a person I would choose to have for a friend. But I am stuck with her for a mother. She is very naggy and a know-it-all. Nothing anyone else or myself does makes sense to her or is enough to please her. If it isn't her idea or her way it is wrong. I myself am on medication and counseling for anxiety / depression caused by a job that I had to retire early from. So right now I am not the patient "I have to endure this--this is my Mother" person that I used to be although I am trying very hard. We have had some horrible arguments that always leave me apologizing; she bears no blame. I try so hard not to allow her to have the power over me to make me angry but it is not working as effectively as it used to. I tell myself she is old and I will be there some day and how do I know I won't do the same things? I tell myself she is my mother and deserves my respect and worry that I will get back some day what I am putting forth. For my own mental health, I have stopped seeing her every day although I do make sure I call as it is easier and less painful to stop a phone call than to storm out during a visit, because lately when we get together it is not good. We are both on the defensive and uptight. We don't get past the strain and end up angry with each other and lately it gets uglier every time. She wonders why I don't come over & visit so much & what do I say? I can't say because I can't stand to be around you? So I just make lame excuses that I know she doesn't believe or I try to say nothing and change the subject. She is my mother; I feel like is is wrong to want to alienate her from my life. I know I cannot change her, I can only change myself. The thing is, I am healthy enough to realize that I do not have to take abuse and I now stick up for myself. But this always causes a big argument with her and that leaves us both heart broken. I am torn in a catch 22 - I can't disown her but can't get along with her. I never thought I would be in this predicament. I can't believe that you can love someone so much yet despise them too. It is so painful.
But I think my sister was Co-dependent on Mother. My sister died suddenly (while driving to Mother's.) Mother is 95 and is fine. She is at the local nursing home and is the bell of the ball. She is clean, dressed, hair done, etc. But - if I am visiting over 2 days straight, she goes right back into cutting me down and being critical.
Good luck. I read Caring for your Difficult Older Parent. it was good.
In the past when someone I loved abused me my first reaction was to try and understand their reasons. I often blamed myself or I gave them excuses. This just filled me with resentment (bordering on rage at times) and feelings of worthlessness. Now I am learning how to protect myself and still remain compassionate. Empathy has it's place and will help us forgive but I think it protection comes first.
What SingingSkies said is a wonderful tool to use. I used to feel like I needed to "set the record straight" all the time. Then someone said to me "would you rather be right or happy?" Now whenever I feel the need to force my opinion I try to keep this in mind. Rather than try to correct the person I will acknowledge that I heard what they said which is not really the same as agreeing but serves the same purpose. I'm not perfect and there are still times I let insults and accusations get under my skin but things are a lot better than they used to be.
Best of luck, this stuff is hard.
hat are you doing for her now? What help does she need? You can help her but not spend a lot of time with her if it's too upsetting for both of you. Just because she believes you should do x, y, or z, that doesn't make it true or right. You have to do what is right for you and your own health (mental and physical). Your mom sounds like a hard person to deal with and I would imagine she has these issues with other relationships, is that right?
What kind of verbal battles do you and your mother have?
I'm asking these questions because , although you are quick to blame yourself , something has changed for the worse in your relationship and I wonder if it has to do with mom's deteriorating mental health. Something to think about and consult with her doctor about.
Do you have poa and Healthcare proxy so that you can have a two way conversation with her doctor? It also sounds as though she'd be entirely more happy in an Assisted living facility where she'd have more than" just " you for company.