I visit Mom every day at hospice. Usually in the morning so that I can help her with breakfast and makes sure that she eats all of it. I hold her hand, massage her feet, talk and touch her, and read the Bible to her. I always spend at least 3 hours with her. Sometimes up to 5 hours. But every time I must leave [like yesterday I had a doctors appt], she always gets so sad and hurt when I have to leave. She wants me there 24/7--like when I was taking care of her at home. I think she wants me to move into hospice with her. I am the youngest, was the primary caregiver for 2 years, and we are very loving and close to each other. I love my mother deeply, more than anybody else on the planet. It just kills me when I have to walk out of door and see her face so sad and hurt because I have to leave. Since she is far better healthwise at hospice, she is more lucid, out of pain, and even complaining, and she wants to come home. So she is voicing a very real emotion--not a delusion. And when sis and bro go see her in the afternoon she tells them that I never came because she forgot that I came--she has dementia and terminal cancer. But she has done extremely well at hospice. I couldnt handle the excruciating pain that she was getting while I was taking care of her at home even with the morphine.
How do I handle the intense guilt, pain, and hurt I feel when I must leave Mom alone? Because since she is better and out of pain, she is lonely there all by herself--which is totally understandable. She doesn't understand why I have to leave, and she won't understand even if I tried to explain. Any advice out there for me?