How do I continue to cope with caring for mother (89) who constantly complains and refuses to go into an assisted living?

What you seem to have forgotten is that this situation is in your control. She can decide that she won't leave the house except in a body bag...but you have the ability to choose not to be her caregiver. If she wants to stay at home, that's fine...she needs to hire help in order to do so. I think you may be so deep in this situation that you don't see that you don't have to be her caregiver. You did this in the beginning probably because it helped you financially and she was much healthier. Things have changed. You cannot do this alone any more. So her options are, hire help, or go to a facility. You being the 24-7 caregiver is off the table.

No is a complete sentence.

Angel

What I found with my own parents I had enabled them to continue on with their own lifestyle while needing to change my own. If only I would have known about this forum seven years ago, I would have done soooo many things differently.

My parents [who were in their 90's] had stopped driving but expected me to pick up where they had left off. No problem.... until I found out they liked getting out of the house 3 times a day. Kinda hard for me to do while I was working full-time, so that meant I had use to all of my vacations days, sick days, and days without pay. Eventually I had to tell them only Saturday afternoon, and only one grocery store, not 3 or 4 because one store had a sale on soup, another a sale on ice cream, etc.

Another thing happens, you once again become "the child" and your Mom "the parent" and what she says goes. They are in denial that you, yourself, are a senior citizen with your own age decline, aches and pains. Even waving my Medicare card and AARP card in front of my parents didn't change their thinking.

My Mom also refused senior living as she felt she and Dad could still manage on their own... she died trying to prove herself right. Dad quickly moved into senior living and loves being there. The house was too much work for him.

Have Mom visit some of the Assisted Living places... I know, easier said then done... many offer free lunch and a tour, they understand how stubborn an elder can be, so the Staff will fuss over your Mom... and will fuss over her even after she moves in :)

If Mom says again "The only way I'm leaving this house is in a body bag!!", ask her what color would she like that bag :P

Why don't you move out? If she is independent - no reason for you to stay. Sometimes that will force the issue. You too deserve to have a life.