Wow this is tough. My mother who is really nasty and my father with dementia live with us. They have been her 14 months seems like a lot longer. They don't want to move to assisted living but we want them to.. Mom is 90 and dad is 93. Help need advice
I'd likely visit several places, depending on what they need and see what is out there. Is your dad able to make it in a regular Assisted Living? When dementia is very progressed, the person may need Memory Care. I"d explore that and find a couple of places for your mom. Invite her to go with you to see which one she wants. Even though she may be saying she doesn't want to go, I'd explain it's for the best and is going to happen. I' d be nice, but firm.
The only other option is to bring in outside people to care for them in your home and then stay in your own space inside the house. That can be expensive and also deprive you from your own privacy inside your home.
Stop letting other family members who aren't contributing push your buttons. Only you can put a stop to that.
You will basically have to kick them out. Find a suitable place, get it set up, have the care folks do an assessment, pack their stuff and away they go. As Garden Artist said, that's easy for me to type, not so easy in real life.
My folks are still in their own home, shouldn't be, but won't move, so I'm just waiting for the crisis that forces the issue. But they are not in my house driving me crazy. Make it happen. There will be yelling, hate, God knows what but they will survive and get over it.
With your husband, draw up some standards, rules, that must be obeyed, such as the elements of your mother's behavior that you consider nasty and need to be changed. It's harder with your father because he likely has less control or cognition over his own behavior. But at least if you could modify your mother's nasty behavior, it would be a start.
Discuss with your husband what are the behaviors you absolutely won't tolerate. Then have a "come to caregiving" meeting with your parents, and inform your mother that some changes need to be made if she wants to stay, and that either you're treated with respect, or you will find another place for her to live, whether she likes it or not.
There's a quid pro quo involved in these arrangements. The caregivers made modifications and compromises; so must the cared for parents. Otherwise it's an unequal arrangement guaranteed to lead to caregiver frustration and burnout.
I know it's easy for me to sit at a desk and write this but it's not going to be as easy for you to address it and be forceful with your mother.
However, you're entitled to respect. It probably will be hard to change your mother's ways, but she has to change if she expects to stay there with you.
Good luck; I think you'll need it.
I learned from this forum to not live with my folks. We will all be better off if they go to assisted living when the time comes. Dad will likely be in memory care.
In a nutshell, it comes down to a choice between having a life or commiting the rest of you life to eldercare. No disrespect to those that pull it off but it ain't easy.