How do you cope with a narcissistic Mom? What works for you?

Common sense dictates that when you have your own mental/physical issues, you do not take on caring for someone else. Your own health should be paramount. If that means she needs Assisted Living, so be it.

Narcissistic people make EVERYTHING about themselves. Abandon hope of ever changing her.

To avoid getting sucked into the mind games takes a lot of practice and mental energy. It's a matter of achieving a state of benign detachment.

Or perhaps she's just one of those people who should be loved from afar.

Blessings for your own survival.

Classic problem. It took me a long time to detach myself. But as the transition from me being her daughter to her caregiver went on, it got easier. I started seeing her dementia as a real disease that made her difficult, not that she was purposefully "stealing the spotlight." It's a long, sad road. Best wishes!

I haven't figured out the balance between making sure Mom's real needs are met and getting sucked into being her source of happiness. When you've been under this kind of mind control your whole life it's really hard. I had thought I was out from under this insidious controlling behavior until 2008 when my mother could no longer live alone - or so she acted like - and she came to live between my sister and me. It's been a real set back in all I've overcome through the years and I find my life's in constant chaos. It's horrible. I had her all set up to go into AL but my sister thworted it. I moved out of state anyway, and Mom and my sister are locked in an unhealthy co-dependent existence with me feeling guilty far away. She's being cared for, she's paying my sister, so why do I feel guilty?? It's because of growing up with a severely narcissistic mother and having these patterns ingrained in my life. I'm working on it. I'm 65 and I need to get out from underneath this burden of guilt and come to a healthy way to deal with Mom and my sister.

I had to walk away from my family and elderly mother for this exact reason. Good Luck to you.

I am practicing detachment with my aunt & uncle in order to keep the criticism, accusations, etc. from wounding me too deeply. It still hurts but I keep repeating to myself "It's just a job, it's just a job..."
Both have been self-centered all their lives. As for not taking on this kind of job when one's own health is not that good, not everyone has a choice. I can no longer work a "regular" job due to problems from surgery and COPD. I had to move back "home" to East Tennessee because I could no longer support myself. Still have to have money to live while waiting for disability hearing.
Best advice I can give is to detach as best you can.

Eextremely low contact.

Does this help?
narcissismaddictionsabuse/Narcissist-Depleting-Emotional-Bank-Account.html

Menopause is a natural course of the female cycle. It is not fatal, nor is it a reason to think your symptoms are so debilitating that you cannot care for your mother. You do not mention why she was in the hospital, nor any other health challenges, but menopause does not put one in the hospital. Whining is never attractive...on anyone. Menopausal for twelve years and going strong!

....Sorry... I mean does the website help rather than that particular article... though you can replace 'partner' with 'parent' and it still makes sense.
Maybe contact Dr England?
She may want to help/ extend her studies to narcissism in parents/elders/ dementia/Alzs patients?

Ferris, well goody, goody for you. I just hate it when someone on here accuses the child of a narcissistic parent of being whiney and so forth. Where is your compassion and empathy? Geezzzzzz

http://www.lightshouse.org/index.html#axzz2b7xLqej0

I hope you will find this website as helpful as I did. I started out by looking up OCD, but reading through the various linked pages on the site, I came to realize that my mother had Narcissistic Personality Disorder. So many things "clicked" (the lifelong episodes of rage, nothing we did was ever good enough, etc, etc), that I realized she had always had it, although certain behaviors became more pronounced when she was elderly. Unfortunately, there is no cure for personality disorders, and going "Low Contact" (which I realized I had already done instinctively) or "No Contact" are the prescribed methods of dealing with NPD personalities. Good luck and stay strong.

I hear you, Smitty.
Growing up, I didn't realize how awful my mother's behaviors were because it was my only reality. I think it finally struck home when I gave birth to a son with a chromosomal abnormality. We were staying at our mother's home to be closer to the specialists in Wash, D.C. I think you can imagine the stress my husband and I were going through on the morning we were to meet with the geneticist who would reveal the findings of his and our tests. Would our child ever learn? Would we be able to have other children that were unaffected? At 26, we felt like our entire future was about to be spelled out for us.
So, when we got back to mom's place did we get compassion from my mother? Nope. Instead, my mother took me aside and let me know how inconsiderate my husband was because he'd left a few hairs in the shower of the bathroom we were using. Of course, that should have been his first priority! I contrast her behavior with my dear in-laws who, knowing we would be tired and emotionally wrung out upon arriving at our own home, had come earlier and left an entire home-cooked meal for us in our refrigerator, complete with dessert and wine, too!
What I decided to learn from this was that I could never change my mother but I could the yin to her yang, the good to her evil, and always try to emulate the kind of compassion my in-laws demonstrated and that has gone a long way to dissipate my anger and heal my soul.
Smitty, I'm sorry your mother could not see that you were hurting, but I hope you can take some comfort from the many responses that show that others are here to help you.

Larkspur, your in-laws sound like such beautiful people!
Detaching from narcissists, keeping contact to the minimum -- or going no contact, are the only things that will help. The ONLY things.

I found a lot of support and strength to deal with my narcissist mother after I read two books: Will I Ever Be Good Enough? by Karyl McBride and Difficult Mothers: Understanding and Overcoming by Terri Apter. I have them on my Kindle and refer to them often when mom (82 with Alzheimer's living in memory care assisted living) starts pushing my buttons. Trust me, I understand the struggle, and even with years of counseling and constantly revisiting the coping tools I've learned still find myself severely challenged by her behavior at times.
Hang in there and take whatever steps necessary to make you a priority, too.

I can speak from experience. I live in Florida and my mother and brother in Alabama. I have not been home for 4 maybe 5 years. Boundaries. When I have very little to do with my mother and brother, I feel well, whole. I don't have the anxiety or depression dealing with them seems to being on. But recently I had lunch with a cousin visiting from up north and she told me my uncle and her were coming to Alabama for a visit. Wouldn't I come too? I said sure. Then the anger and anxiety started all over again. I told my husband I just could not look my mother and brother in the eye and have them think their behavior was OK. It never will be. I just can't go.

Narcissists are abusive, emotionally and some times physically. There are doctors who believe the abuse causes PTSD. I would have laughed at that in the past but I know now that is exactly what I have going on. It is a real deep feeling and reaction that I have no control over.

So no contact or low contact is the best route for most people dealing with a narcissist in their lives. It is the only way you can heal.

N2caregiving, the McBride book is probably my favorite. I would recommend it to anyone who has had to deal with a selfish mother.

Aw c'mon Ferris - she's not saying her menopause symptoms are preventing her from caring for her mom. Geez, most of us on this forum are menopausal.... It could just as easily have been a cold or sinus. Feeling lousy herself, she's made more aware of her mother's narcissism as her mother had no concern for her daughter's well being.

smitty, you just detach and try really hard to be like a duck and let it roll off. You accept you cannot change her so don't waste energy trying or hoping she will change.

It's so true that you can't change them!
I left my (diagnosed) extremely narcissistic husband after 22 awful years and now, after 28 years he still tells people he doesn't know why his family left him and his children have disowned him. Keeping as much distance as possible
is our only relief. So sad, but necessary for our SANITY.

Well some pretty testy comments from some folks to me, but I can only say it is much better to have a mother who might be having symptoms of dementia or just being child-like (most people do this when they are ill) than to have no mother at all. Appreciate the good days and forgive the bad. Mothers do not live forever...

counceling & antidepressants

Mom moved out also

Ferris, I think part of the problem here is a misunderstanding. You are assuming that this conversation is about an elderly woman with dementia. Most of us are talking about mothers with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. NPD is an incurable mental condition that is lifelong. Those of us with NPD mothers have endured emotional abuse our whole lives. I realize for those who have "normal" mothers it is hard to understand that those of us with NPD mothers have never experienced unconditional maternal love.

So true PinkyK only those who suffered the emotional & physical abuse since a baby understand

SMITTY ! How lucky you are to have TIME...AWAY...and "other caregivers". I am on family member 4 in the caregiving lineage. Daddy, as a commuting/caregiver - 14 years, every other day. My fiancee- (died at 53, had him here for 7 months.), sister out-of-state - bone-marrow transplant (which means I had to leave my employment- refused FMLA)- she's GREAT ! 5 years in remission...and now Mom. We always knew something was not right...and it's the childhood abuse leading to a form of narcissism that she has. She's just broken, in a way. Oy. So we are going on FIVE YEARS TOGETHER at my place - 900 sq. feet- and I work at home - I'm an artist and commercial designer. Commissioned. Theres no dinero for respite- and she does not want ANYONE BUT FAMILY in the house. So...I take her to my social club, WITH me. (Nature Coast Parrot Heads.) Then I sing and dance...and have a nice big glass of red wine. Four ladies (late 60's- early 70's) have a chatfest with her (she's 91) and things are then OK for 24-48 hours. (Until she reminds herself that she lives with me.) Did I mention I sing? (Big Band or Swing- at a Broadway stage level) in my 900 square foot home. Then I'm 'rehearsing' and can't be 'disturbed' even though I'm, twelve feet away. Try thinking out of the box- have a luncheon with similar elder stateswomen- then they call get together and complain about us...and we can retire to the jazz on the headphones and a cabernet. Just Sayin ! Under no circumstances do you take anything to heart: consider her a "client" when you hear the 'click' of the buttons being pushed. What I always tell myself: "The only thing I can control is the inside of my own head. Don't react. Act." And when the uglies really hit the fan...I pretend I'm a character in a movie. And I do want that Academy Award. Yes, it's silly, but it's survival of the fittest in a crazymaking situation. I will have a life after my current tour-or-duty here is completed; and I have to decide where and how that will happen. Because I'm NOT doing this to my daughter. Nuff said.

As others have posted: You won't change your mom's narcissistic behaviors. The only thing you can do is detach from her and not let yourself be manipulated by her. If she starts trying to gain pity from others at your expense, especially legal authorities or people whose positions require them to report you to legal authorities, there can be no benign detachment. You'll have to completely detach and not reattach unless you want legal consequences and the associated high legal costs. I've had to totally detach from my extreme narcissist dad because he portrayed me as a coercer, meddler, and elder abuser to legal authorities in his state with the result of my both being accused of these things and also being threatened with criminal prosecution by an assistant atty general in my dad's state. Unless you are your mom's POA and/or have legal guardianship over her, you have no legal obligation to even care for her. So, if her narcissism is negatively impacting you or has the potential to lead to legal hassles, totally detach from your mom and find other living arrangements for her outside of your home. Narcissists are hard to deal with and will cause you all sorts of problems and heartaches. The problem is that they're so manipulative that people don't even realize that they're being manipulated and, as a result, fall for their lies and their pathological behaviors hook, line, and sinker. From my experience with extremely narcissistic dad and his betrayal of me, I've learned that it's imperative to do whatever is necessary to protect yourself legally and mentally/emotionally from a narcissist, which is usually detaching with them with the idea of not reattaching because there usually can't be a healthy reattachment. Put on a suit of armor and inoculate yourself from your narcissistic mom for your own mental health. Dealing with her will lead you to nothing good.

just laugh. If you think most likely she was always like this most people don't change they just become a better .... them when they get older. don't take personal it is not worth your spirit. when you laugh think about the good times no matter how long ago it was. my grandmother hated me from day one. I took care of her until she died.I thought if I showed her kindness, care and love that she would love me. It never happened she died loving everyone else that was not there after she got sick. Have you asked yourself why your taking care of someone that makes you feel bad. My dad told me something I hope you really hear because I did not. If they were not your family, just a person on the street would you keep them in your life or would you walk away? Are they worth your time if this was your last day? do they make you feel like sh.. and you want to crawl up in a ball and die most of the time when your with them? If the answers to the question is yes find someone else to take care of her and be there for her when you can and want to deal with her. You do not own her, she had you not the other way around. good luck

Smitty: Of course she said "happy homecoming." Does not everyone who gets to leave the hospital and go home say that? Surely they do. What would you want her to say?
There must be much more to this case than you cite in your brief question, but from the info given, it just may be possible that you are the one who is making it "all about you."
I have taken care of my disabled wife for five years; sometimes I feel as though I am taken for granted. But those impulses are best resisted,--I think.

Kerfuffle32 I understand what you are saying but if she is writing the world for help it may not be the words but the way it was said. Being taken for granted is a norm when it comes to caregiving but so is abused caregivers from their loved ones. people that are being cared for never see that you are giving up you life for them. even if they are in pain and hate what is going on in their live does not mean that you are there to take it out on. We forget that no one should treat you like crap in not be told this is not okay. You are giving your wife a bigger gift then you and she knows. You are showing her that you a quality person that loves her through it all. You have only one life in your giving it to her. You chose your wife but we do not choose our parents. What age is it okay to make it about you? It is not about you when your a kid because your parent run your life or is it when you have children no it is about them. I wonder when it is all said in done when is a good time to say to world and your family "I matter". I wish you well

I have given up the dream of having a mother who really loves me. It's always about her and how things affect her. I've tried everything and given up the last six years of my life and it makes no difference. The narcissist problems love with their words, but actions point to something quite different. No one understands unless they have been raised by an NPD parent.