How do you cope with an elderly mother's lifetime negative personality?

Sorry if this is slightly off topic, reading this reminded me of me own experiences...I can look back now and laugh a bit, but it's sort of a bitter and sarcastic laugh.

My aunt (who I cared for over about 9 years) was probably the most negative and entitled person I've ever known. Our place was a parade of people in and out from 7am to 7pm most days; my wife, a CNA, an RN, another caregiver, meals on wheels, 2 separate therapists, church friends, and me living with her. Even with all that help, she would say "no one will help me"...but she only said it to people who didn't know her or the situation.

That led to many outsiders pointing the finger at me because of her incessant complaining. They didn't know her well enough to know she would say just about anything to get sympathy, including blatant lies.

Once, she got pouty because I would not make a special trip to the grocery store for ice cream at dinner time. She literally stuck her bottom lip out like a 5 year old and refused to eat because there was no ice cream. The next day she told a temp CNA (her regular CNA was sick that day) that I "refused to cook for her" the night before. Of course the CNA confronted me, and I lost my temper because I was tired of being blamed for my aunt's poor choices.

At the time it made me so angry and depressed. I felt like I was just another person she used and discarded without even thinking twice.

I look back now and realize that I was partly right and partly wrong about her. She used people ruthlessly and never saw it as wrong. I was a pawn to her sometimes, someone she could blame her problems on to get sympathy. She was also very sick and scared, and was trying to keep control of her life the only way she knew how; by getting other people to handle her responsibilities.

Now that she is gone, I do miss her. I don't regret caregiving, but I do regret not taking a stand and sticking up for myself from the beginning when it came to the lies and manipulation she used.

Yes, please, get all of them on drugs. It can turn a personality around, in a good way. There is no reason to tell them that they are antidepressants. Just call them Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors "that will balance the hormones in your brain. The doctor says you need them."

Accept her negative world view and kid her about it. "Oh, Mom, I guess you're right. A man in state X just shot 6 people." "Oh, Mom, you won't like this! A man is collecting toys for tots!"

"So how are you today? Nothing hurting? I'm glad, but I know you're not. Maybe tomorrow something awful will happen."

"Mary didn't say hello to you? That's it! Cut her off. Write her out of your will."

"You're right, mom, when you tell sis I don't do anything. I never do laundry, and I feed you peanut butter crackers and make you listen to loud rap music. You should fire me. Want me to put an ad in the paper for home health? Oops! $15 to $20 an hour! I guess you owe me (168 X $15 =) $2520 a week! I'll give you a discount. You only owe me $1000 a week for the past 6 years!"

Easier said than done, I know, but If you can really accept that she won't change, and if you expect her to say what she does, it might not bother you quite so much. Google Dysfunctional Family Bingo for more ideas.

Oh, emjo, I know I shouldn't laugh but your Christmas presents story..?!! Oh I wish I'd been a fly on the wall! What on earth could you say??? You'd either have to laugh or burst into tears.

Reminded me of the (much less hurtful) exchange between my two aunts, thus: "Darling Andy got me the loveliest ruby ring!"
"Bloody Arthur got me a washing machine."

I turned 50 this summer. My kids had a weekend away booked for me from January. If I'd known about it, I would have warned them; as it was, they'd counted on my sister being fine with looking after our mother for one weekend and (because they clearly don't know their auntie very well) they were astonished when they got a dry "No. Make other plans." My mother forgot the whole thing, which would have been fine if she hadn't taken suddenly to remembering every other significant date - her (long-deceased) mother's birthday, my partner's birthday, her own birthday (which she was convinced we'd all ignored), the cat's birthday… She has dementia, it was bad at that time. She was most likely struggling to remember and just not quite getting there. I tried not to be childish about it, but the truth is it really, really hurt.

I'm having two weekends off when I'm sixty, so there.

Its OK, cm. Fortunately, after a summer and fall from hades, mother was back home in Canada, and my sister and I were, separately, continuing our studies in Scotland. I was alone when I got the parcel, but had seen my sis in her coat. I curled up into a fetal position and cried. The previous months had seen her raging at me daily, for what, I did not understand at the time. What I have come to understand since, is laughable in retrospect. Sis stood by throughout and smiled. I never allowed her to hurt me that much again. The barriers started going up seriously. I could write a novel, but I am not sure I want to dredge up all those nightmarish memories.
50 - you, young thing! Your aunts sound delightful. I do understand being very, very hurt at your mother forgetting your birthday while remembering even the cat's. I don't think it is childish - it is human. One birthday, mother got me tickets to the symphony. Sounds lovely, but they were for the symphony in the city she lives, and I don't live there, but am 5 hrs. drive away. I know her motive was to have me come down, so I could drive her to the performances. There was no way I could do it. I was working full time. I suggested she give them to someone who could use them. Narcissism at its best! By all means, have two weekends off when you are sixty. You may need them by then. ;)

The symphony is a total classic. Breathtaking. I think you really should write that book...

Carol summarizes it all.
However, I'd like to add that you need to have a more practical approach to dealing with your mom. You can start by understanding the reasons for their negativity. In brief, almost all negativity has its roots in one of three deep-seated fears: the fear of being disrespected by others, the fear of not being loved by others, and the fear that “bad things” are going to happen. These fears feed off each other to fuel the belief that “the world is a dangerous place and people are generally mean.”

I have been caring for my Mother in my home for 20 years. She is what I like to call "a piece of work". Ever complaining about one ailment or the other. Which I refer to as "The ailment of the Hour".What do my family and friends say ? Oh Thats terrible! They dont live with her do they?
For me the problem is . How do you ignor the complaints and How to you know what is real and what is just another way to get attention? She has CHF (Congestive Heart Failure) so some of the complaints are real..others not.
My mother has been dying since she was 35 ...she just turned 85. Whats with that? I do have help now with bathing her,but our Dept. of aging has cut back so, no respice care,etc. is available for her.I have 4 siblings that have had a normal family life for the past 20 years. I have asked them hundreds of times to step up. Not gonna happen. Really? does anyone wonder why caregivers are bitter and depressed ? While I was caring for my mother 24-7 they were going on vacations and doing family things ,my kids were sitting with grandmom watching the Price is Right. Now they want to tell me how to care for her??? I tell them take her for 1 month and get back to me. then we'll discuss her everyday care.I love her very much and when shes passes I wont feel guilty .So Coulda,Shoulda,Woulda means nothing to me. I will just walk away !

My negative, depressing, self centered mother moved in with me about 9 months ago. It was my idea that she move in. She has been a negative, complainer and martyr her whole life and old age has not mellowed her. She had a tough childhood and has never let her family or anyone close to her forget it.

What I do not understand is why everyone "forgives" and accepts this behavior just because someone is "old"?

My MIL used to come to the breakfast table every morning, utter a deep sigh and say things like, "Fred (her son), please kill me. I don't want to live anymore." In the meantime, she would be sitting there while he cooked whatever she wanted, our cat sitting in her lap, in clothes freshly washed, her bed neatly made, every concern taken care of by us, two senior citizens. Her son had had a kidney transplant, seven additional operations for cancer, and I had been his full time caregiver as well as for my father and stepmother. Still, she was the only one on the planet, in our solar system, who had ever had any problems. According to her, nobody had ever suffered like her, not even anyone in the Spanish Inquisition. One day, I snapped. I said, "If that's the way you feel, roll yourself down the driveway in your walker, lie down in the street and let the garbage truck run over you. I am not going to listen to your sh$* anymore!" Without missing a beat, she went on: Well, Sally, I can't see, I can't hear, I can't think, I can't be anymore." From that day forward, I refused to listen to her complaints. I would tell her, "I don't care." It never stopped. She never changed. To "two weekends when I'm sixty," better take one day off a week NOW or you will lose your mind. I never did and I should have.

My dad is the worst about being negative and malicious and being an only child (with an only child) it looks like I’m nominated as caregiver/‘victim’. He is living in his house and doing OK RIGHT NOW but already is having mood swings since my mom went to AL.

I suppose I’ll try hiring someone to drop by and maybe cook for him, check on him, etc. He still drives competently and visits my mom every other day in AL. He’s trying to do her errands, doc visits, etc and is keeping up but I can tell he’s tired from it, being 88 years old, I’d be tired too.

With him I’m just playing it by ear. Now that mom’s set in the AL my mind is more at rest. One day at a time.

I admit I don’t call him everyday because he’s so negative but I keep up with what he’s doing. I call mom often but it was like that since I left home at 17.