How do you cope with an elderly mother's lifetime negative personality?

My dad is the worst about being negative and malicious and being an only child (with an only child) it looks like I’m nominated as caregiver/‘victim’. He is living in his house and doing OK RIGHT NOW but already is having mood swings since my mom went to AL.

I suppose I’ll try hiring someone to drop by and maybe cook for him, check on him, etc. He still drives competently and visits my mom every other day in AL. He’s trying to do her errands, doc visits, etc and is keeping up but I can tell he’s tired from it, being 88 years old, I’d be tired too.

With him I’m just playing it by ear. Now that mom’s set in the AL my mind is more at rest. One day at a time.

I admit I don’t call him everyday because he’s so negative but I keep up with what he’s doing. I call mom often but it was like that since I left home at 17.

My MIL used to come to the breakfast table every morning, utter a deep sigh and say things like, "Fred (her son), please kill me. I don't want to live anymore." In the meantime, she would be sitting there while he cooked whatever she wanted, our cat sitting in her lap, in clothes freshly washed, her bed neatly made, every concern taken care of by us, two senior citizens. Her son had had a kidney transplant, seven additional operations for cancer, and I had been his full time caregiver as well as for my father and stepmother. Still, she was the only one on the planet, in our solar system, who had ever had any problems. According to her, nobody had ever suffered like her, not even anyone in the Spanish Inquisition. One day, I snapped. I said, "If that's the way you feel, roll yourself down the driveway in your walker, lie down in the street and let the garbage truck run over you. I am not going to listen to your sh$* anymore!" Without missing a beat, she went on: Well, Sally, I can't see, I can't hear, I can't think, I can't be anymore." From that day forward, I refused to listen to her complaints. I would tell her, "I don't care." It never stopped. She never changed. To "two weekends when I'm sixty," better take one day off a week NOW or you will lose your mind. I never did and I should have.

My negative, depressing, self centered mother moved in with me about 9 months ago. It was my idea that she move in. She has been a negative, complainer and martyr her whole life and old age has not mellowed her. She had a tough childhood and has never let her family or anyone close to her forget it.

What I do not understand is why everyone "forgives" and accepts this behavior just because someone is "old"?

I have been caring for my Mother in my home for 20 years. She is what I like to call "a piece of work". Ever complaining about one ailment or the other. Which I refer to as "The ailment of the Hour".What do my family and friends say ? Oh Thats terrible! They dont live with her do they?
For me the problem is . How do you ignor the complaints and How to you know what is real and what is just another way to get attention? She has CHF (Congestive Heart Failure) so some of the complaints are real..others not.
My mother has been dying since she was 35 ...she just turned 85. Whats with that? I do have help now with bathing her,but our Dept. of aging has cut back so, no respice care,etc. is available for her.I have 4 siblings that have had a normal family life for the past 20 years. I have asked them hundreds of times to step up. Not gonna happen. Really? does anyone wonder why caregivers are bitter and depressed ? While I was caring for my mother 24-7 they were going on vacations and doing family things ,my kids were sitting with grandmom watching the Price is Right. Now they want to tell me how to care for her??? I tell them take her for 1 month and get back to me. then we'll discuss her everyday care.I love her very much and when shes passes I wont feel guilty .So Coulda,Shoulda,Woulda means nothing to me. I will just walk away !

Carol summarizes it all.
However, I'd like to add that you need to have a more practical approach to dealing with your mom. You can start by understanding the reasons for their negativity. In brief, almost all negativity has its roots in one of three deep-seated fears: the fear of being disrespected by others, the fear of not being loved by others, and the fear that “bad things” are going to happen. These fears feed off each other to fuel the belief that “the world is a dangerous place and people are generally mean.”

The symphony is a total classic. Breathtaking. I think you really should write that book...

Its OK, cm. Fortunately, after a summer and fall from hades, mother was back home in Canada, and my sister and I were, separately, continuing our studies in Scotland. I was alone when I got the parcel, but had seen my sis in her coat. I curled up into a fetal position and cried. The previous months had seen her raging at me daily, for what, I did not understand at the time. What I have come to understand since, is laughable in retrospect. Sis stood by throughout and smiled. I never allowed her to hurt me that much again. The barriers started going up seriously. I could write a novel, but I am not sure I want to dredge up all those nightmarish memories.
50 - you, young thing! Your aunts sound delightful. I do understand being very, very hurt at your mother forgetting your birthday while remembering even the cat's. I don't think it is childish - it is human. One birthday, mother got me tickets to the symphony. Sounds lovely, but they were for the symphony in the city she lives, and I don't live there, but am 5 hrs. drive away. I know her motive was to have me come down, so I could drive her to the performances. There was no way I could do it. I was working full time. I suggested she give them to someone who could use them. Narcissism at its best! By all means, have two weekends off when you are sixty. You may need them by then. ;)

Oh, emjo, I know I shouldn't laugh but your Christmas presents story..?!! Oh I wish I'd been a fly on the wall! What on earth could you say??? You'd either have to laugh or burst into tears.

Reminded me of the (much less hurtful) exchange between my two aunts, thus: "Darling Andy got me the loveliest ruby ring!"
"Bloody Arthur got me a washing machine."

I turned 50 this summer. My kids had a weekend away booked for me from January. If I'd known about it, I would have warned them; as it was, they'd counted on my sister being fine with looking after our mother for one weekend and (because they clearly don't know their auntie very well) they were astonished when they got a dry "No. Make other plans." My mother forgot the whole thing, which would have been fine if she hadn't taken suddenly to remembering every other significant date - her (long-deceased) mother's birthday, my partner's birthday, her own birthday (which she was convinced we'd all ignored), the cat's birthday… She has dementia, it was bad at that time. She was most likely struggling to remember and just not quite getting there. I tried not to be childish about it, but the truth is it really, really hurt.

I'm having two weekends off when I'm sixty, so there.

Yes, please, get all of them on drugs. It can turn a personality around, in a good way. There is no reason to tell them that they are antidepressants. Just call them Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors "that will balance the hormones in your brain. The doctor says you need them."

Accept her negative world view and kid her about it. "Oh, Mom, I guess you're right. A man in state X just shot 6 people." "Oh, Mom, you won't like this! A man is collecting toys for tots!"

"So how are you today? Nothing hurting? I'm glad, but I know you're not. Maybe tomorrow something awful will happen."

"Mary didn't say hello to you? That's it! Cut her off. Write her out of your will."

"You're right, mom, when you tell sis I don't do anything. I never do laundry, and I feed you peanut butter crackers and make you listen to loud rap music. You should fire me. Want me to put an ad in the paper for home health? Oops! $15 to $20 an hour! I guess you owe me (168 X $15 =) $2520 a week! I'll give you a discount. You only owe me $1000 a week for the past 6 years!"

Easier said than done, I know, but If you can really accept that she won't change, and if you expect her to say what she does, it might not bother you quite so much. Google Dysfunctional Family Bingo for more ideas.

Sorry if this is slightly off topic, reading this reminded me of me own experiences...I can look back now and laugh a bit, but it's sort of a bitter and sarcastic laugh.

My aunt (who I cared for over about 9 years) was probably the most negative and entitled person I've ever known. Our place was a parade of people in and out from 7am to 7pm most days; my wife, a CNA, an RN, another caregiver, meals on wheels, 2 separate therapists, church friends, and me living with her. Even with all that help, she would say "no one will help me"...but she only said it to people who didn't know her or the situation.

That led to many outsiders pointing the finger at me because of her incessant complaining. They didn't know her well enough to know she would say just about anything to get sympathy, including blatant lies.

Once, she got pouty because I would not make a special trip to the grocery store for ice cream at dinner time. She literally stuck her bottom lip out like a 5 year old and refused to eat because there was no ice cream. The next day she told a temp CNA (her regular CNA was sick that day) that I "refused to cook for her" the night before. Of course the CNA confronted me, and I lost my temper because I was tired of being blamed for my aunt's poor choices.

At the time it made me so angry and depressed. I felt like I was just another person she used and discarded without even thinking twice.

I look back now and realize that I was partly right and partly wrong about her. She used people ruthlessly and never saw it as wrong. I was a pawn to her sometimes, someone she could blame her problems on to get sympathy. She was also very sick and scared, and was trying to keep control of her life the only way she knew how; by getting other people to handle her responsibilities.

Now that she is gone, I do miss her. I don't regret caregiving, but I do regret not taking a stand and sticking up for myself from the beginning when it came to the lies and manipulation she used.

I can say from experience, that I wouldn't be coping at all, if it weren't for my antidepressant. As for my mother, she is definitely better when she takes hers as well. I used to be able to tell very quickly when she was off her meds, as she just gets so mean and says ugly things about everyone. (This was years ago before she was dealing with her hearing loss, and near blindness) Now it's hard to know if she's taking them or not, because she is always so down because of her deficits. Maybe they're not enough to counteract her current situation, and unless she leaves me alone where I can count the ones in the bottle, I have no way of knowing. She lies a lot, so I can't take her word for it.
So in general, antidepressants certainly do help a consistently negative person from becoming even darker in their thinking, but they have to be getting the right one, and sometimes it's trial and error with changes required til you get the magic bullet. Mom'll never by Pollyanna, but she is less hateful and unreasonable when she is on her antidepressants.

Thank you all so much! At this moment, my mother is at (my) home packing and moving out. She's 92, blind and pretty much deaf, can't drive. She's going to live on her own again because she just can't live in my house any longer. I relate to ALL of the above posts and I am so sad. I've come to understand there is nothing I can do to help her be happy. She's delusional and paranoid, but healthy enough to pass. She's the sweetest little thing to everyone else and saves the diatribes for me. I'm so tired. I want someone to come and take her far, far away so I don't have to deal with her anymore but I don't think that's going to happen. I've only wanted to try to take care of her, but nothing is ever going to be good enough. It never has been; never will be.

Just checking in. Listening to mom this morning is making me physically ill. The amount of self-pity and negativity is so overwhelming that I get knots in my stomach. It's like she has a magic magnifying mind - everything negative and bad gets bigger and bigger. Good things get smaller and smaller. Ugh.

((((((((((((((Debralee)))))))))))). I am sorry about your birthday. I know it hurts. One year my sister got a sheared lamb coat for Christmas. I got a bottle of vitamin pills. They are sick - no other explanation.

Countrymouse, please take cared of yourself. Proving to your Mother that she is loved has nothing to do with putting up with her anger and depression. She doesn't feel loved because she doesn't love herself. You cannot fill that bottomless pit. You can offer her a favorite food or drink and then spare yourself her rants. You need to protect your own health. It doesn't mean you don't love her to set boundaries.

Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Over the last five years I've done every one of those horrible things - the exasperation, the frustration, the screaming rage - but, not sure what exactly changed, I think I have got past them to less complicated pity. Perhaps it helps that my mother got most of her bitching about my father done while he was alive! Then when he died suddenly, 14 years ago, suddenly she was the grief-stricken widow - that was pretty hard to take at the time. "Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone..." I used to have to button my lip not to point out the home truths.

Fact is, my mother was a useless wife and a hopeless mother. Now I understand that it wasn't her fault; and I can tell her that and mean it. It's getting better. She's never going to be happy, but I can keep proving to her that she is loved even if she'll never truly believe it.

Debralee, I know we are not the same as your family but you have my respect and caring. ((((( U )))))

Correction, I did finally break her of talking negatively about my late dad. When she started, I would just get up and walk out of the room and say nothing. She did finally get the point. He was so humble. I miss him dearly.

omg, Countrymouse and Palmtrees, your moms sound like my mom. My problem is I took my mom and dad in for dad's health and after he past, she stayed. She too will not let anyone else help her and only wants me to. Although, she acts like she doesn't trust me enough for POA, or any other legal matter. She totally has drained me and is turning me into the negative person she is. I didn't finally break her of talking about all the bad things my dad did in his lifetime, to her of course. If she doesn't hear what she wants to from one doctor then she doesn't like him and wants to see another one. She complains about every meal I cook, suddenly doesn't like any of the things that she taught me how to cook by feeding it to us. Beans and veggies must be fresh or she won't eat them, no canned foods. She is impossible!! Complains about every restrauant my husband and I want to go to. Thinks people are stealing from her bedroom even when no one else has been here, if she can't find it then someone stole it, until she finds it anyway. Her cup is half-empty all the time. It has just drained me to the point of being physically sick. I have no energy left, my depression has sky-rocketed. As I type this, I think I might throw up. I just don't like being around all the negativity all the time, it is getting on my last nerve. Before someone says it, No she won't go into a NH or elsewhere. I am disabled and in a lot of pain my own self and don't know what I am going to do. Omg, Palmtrees, I would not dare say that to my mom, she would never ever let me forget it.

Debralee, I am sending you an understanding hug and wish you were honored and respected for the care you give. You have my respect but that the same as family's.
((((( U )))))))

Debralee, that is just plain sad.

Today is my mother's 82 birthday and I don't have it in me to call. Two months ago was my birthday and nothing, I even talked to her that day and she was more concerned about the neighbors and their drama. It hurts when you know she acknowledges my other sisters and stepsister and even sends them gifts, but me nothing. I am the one that helps her the most, but the last to be considered. I should be used to it, she has done it year after year. I can't believe I planned to take her out for dinner this weekend with my sister for her birthday! What was I thinking!

Dear Palmtrees1: First of all, a big hug to you! My MIL told me every day, "I'll be dead any day now!" She started this when she was 76 and lived to be 98. 22 years of, "Ill be dead any day now" !!!!!!!!! Then she would say, "I wish I were dead!" (for pity and attention), "I wish you were dead, too!" At last we agree on something!!! People who are really sick and dying don't complain. They are too busy trying to stay alive for one more day. I took care of my mother til the moment she died. Her thoughts were always on someone else, not herself.

AMEN, AMEN, AMEN to you FedUpNow. My mother loves to tell me almost everytime we speak how she is not going to live much longer. Now, she is 83 and very healthy, drives, no mental problems (at least diagnosed) but I hear this, "well maybe I just won't wake up tomorrow." Really, well maybe I won't either.

And here is a really sick story for you all. My dad had Parkinson's for about two years before he passed. He fell at the mall and had really poor balance. One of his neighbors brought over a walker to help keep him from falling so he could walk around the yard and piddle. Mom flipped out. She didn't want that damned walker in her house. It is in the way. So when he died she made sure her neighbor got the walker back immediately and no thanks to them. Recently she told me how she was having more trouble getting around and would probably need a walker soon........how ironic. She doesn't need a walker, at all. Heartless woman. And on top of all of the bitching about the walker, dad fell in the yard and had to call for help for a while before someone came to his rescue. Mom mocked him calling for help for years after he died. She told us all he was just "putting on".

Yep, the "Ding Dong" song does come to mind.....

My MIL lived to be 98. Throughout her life, she was a domineering, self-centered pain-in-the-ass who drove me crazy the entire 50 years of my marriage to her only son. She lived a comfortable live many of us would envy but she was never happy. The last 17 years of her life, she lived with us. She was physically abusive, mentally abusive and emotionally abusive. She would get up in the morning, sit at the breakfast table (where we would cook anything she wanted) with our purring cat in her lap sigh: "John, please Kill me. I don't want to live anymore!" Say whatever you want. Do whatever you want. Stop thinking there is some magic key somewhere that will unlock a smile on her face. Get out, stay away as much as possible and when it is all over, don't feel guilty when all you can think is, "Ding dong! The wicked witch is dead!!!" How many caregivers will ruin your own health so some old wrecking ball of depression can bash your lives to bits?! I used to tell her, "You're not going to waste one more minute of my life whining like this. If you want to die, toddle down to the end of the driveway, lay in the street and let a bus run over you!" She never got happier. Somewhere, a young mother is breathing her last in a hospital bed, in agony, desperately fighting to live to spend even one more day with her family and a young child fighting with leukemia who may not even understand why her life is so filled with pain. My MIL held a pity party at my expense in my house on my dime wasting my time. Good riddance!

Every one of these posts is singing my song. Palmtrees1 is describing my 85 year old non-dementia mom to a T. My sisters and I have lived under her dark cloud and we are all now in our 50's and struggling to maintain civility while around her. One sister has alienated herself so as bot to be dragged down while another is just barely able to keep her cool. I have lost mine on numerous occasions to the point of yelling at her in person or hanging up on her on the phone when she starts one of her "poor me" rants. So many days of my life have been literally ruined by her complaints of my father (now deceased), her endless and mostly imaginary medical issues, her finances and of course all the horrible people, politicians, world disasters, etc. and on and on. On the flip side she can be quite nice and giving and "appear" to be cheerful and happy. Most people think she is very sweet, funny and amazing since she still has her health and energy. Only those of us that are closest to her get the barrage of complaints that she stockpiles and unloads the second she gets an opportunity. I've suspected many times that she has done this to others because I have seen her in action at parties and social gathering corner people and get in their face with an innocent seeming question and before long the train is rolling down the track at full speed ahead....she barely comes up for air and I can see the other person is looking very uncomfortable but trying to be polite as they squirm to slip away. It's always about her, her opinions, her lot in life, those stupid doctors, our horrible president who is a dictator, blah, blah, blah. I am not sure if she really is depressed but I am just astonished that she hasn't done a reality self-check about how she behaves. I won't be sucked into it anymore. I have battled the negative syndrome my entire life and have chosen consciously to try to be positive, happy and live life with a strong can-do attitude. I have prayed for some sign that others are suffering from a parent that is this way. I have now gotten that sign.....I am not alone. Thanks for sharing, this has been helpful as it validates my frustrations but sounds like there is no way out of it other than just "grinning and bearing it". And P.S. to Bermuda...I don't think anti-depressents can help an innately negative person. I am coming to the conclusion that this is a personality disorder as well as a habit that just can't be broken. Depression is another thing altogether.

I feel your pain. That is my mother too. In her nineties now, so she is much much worse than ever. She doesn't know how to be happy, enjoys nothing except focusing on making herself upset and unhappy so she can be a victim. She is interested in nothing, no one and now she is older everything is all about her. The complaints are constant, repetitive like a big loop. You can't fix or help someone like her because happiness comes from within. I take a 1/2 Xanax before I go there which reduces my stress level. Otherwise, I get angry with her, then feel guilty, or I suppress my stress and end up with stomach problems. Just try to make sure she is safe and has what she needs, and take steps to care of yourself because she can't help it, and she is incapable of caring how her behavior affects your health.

Debralee- like so many others in this thread, I dealt with a similar thing.

I learned that for the chronic whining and complaining, the best way to handle it is to not engage. Don't try to sympathize, don't try to defend or justify or explain. It was SO hard for me to do at first; when the whining started and I had to just sit there blank faced and not respond at all.

After several days of this, however, it finally sank in that I was not going to play "pity party" anymore, and she redirected her whining elsewhere.

This is not to say you don't listen to and respond to legitimate issues, but you have to be ultra-aware of what is important and what is just simple whining.

Haha, guessed I'd be a neurotic then! I was just wondering if anyone here had experience seeing what an antidepressant could do for someone with lifetime negativity problems. I think my mom would be quite insulted if I brought it up, yet I wonder if it would help her.

Bermuda makes a good point - one should wonder, especially before one actually tries them. The thing is that just because one is a lifetime neurotic depressive, that won't protect you in old age from becoming anxious and despairing on the more psychotic side of things. As they say: "A psychotic has lost touch with reality. A neurotic is in total touch with reality - and can't stand it." SSRIs can help you keep it together if you're getting more crazy than miserable. But go careful.