How do you cope when you're an elderly caregiver and MIL is healthier than I am?

It sounds like your MIL is turning your home into a thing of misery. Is she living with you? It sounds like you need to make other arrangements for her. Do you have an independent or assisted living facility near you that she can afford? I know that it is easy to say to get them to move, and hard to do. There is so much anger and guilt that goes with it. But if she is ruining your lives, it seems the only sensible thing to do. Many good thoughts coming your way.

Yes, MIL has lived with us for 10 years. I've been in therapy and the more I assert my right to a life, the harder she fights back. "Go ahead and go to the gym, I'll just take a shower by myself..." (and fall and it will be your fault, so stay home with me.) I am so tired of not having a life and so fearful that she's never going to get my free labor go.

VTShan, I know how you feel, there are times when I think my 90+ parents are healthier than I am.... and my parents don't understand that I also have age related decline at 68. I am not 45 any more :P

Hopefully your hubby understands what is going on.... but he is hiding behind his job... good excuse, can't blame him.... I am hiding behind my job, too, and refuse to retire because it's my sanity and my job has now become my "vacation".

Sometimes you have to go *on strike* to be heard. Tell yourself today I am not going to do this, or that for mother-in-law.... she'll get mad at you, but she'll get mad anyway, but this time you have control :)

Does she complain to her son? Or does he turn a deaf ear to the whole situation? If he asks you why you didn't do this or that, just shrug your shoulders and say *I just do that any more*... time to hire help.

^^^ typo: last line should read: *I just can't do that any more*.

I'd say when she says so I'll take a shower by myself, I'd say okay. Then go about my business. While I was out and about then I would look for a job for myself. Then I would get this job and be away too. This is your husband's responsibility, not yours. If I couldn't find a job right away, I would go on an extended vacation and let hubby be in charge. If I didn't do that, I would be set boundaries and not do this anymore. I'd take care of myself and no one else.

Or if you can't find a job right away, do volunteer work... local hospitals and libraries [if there is one nearby] are always looking for volunteers :)

And if your Mother-in-law uses the guilt of saying she will take a shower while you are at the gym, so be it.... it's HER choice to take a shower and she needs to take ownership of HER choice should she fall. If she still grumbles about falling in the shower, ask her how would she feel having the paramedics seeing her naked as a jay bird because you would be calling 911. Sometimes a mental visual will make someone change their mind.

I would also let her know that if she makes good on her threat to do something she knows she is not supposed to do - even once - whether she gets hurt or not, she gets moved into assisted living. Then do it. She has zero right to discourage her caregiver from taking care of herself and essentially make you a prisoner in your own home with emotional blackmail. If she is too demented to even perceive that this is simply and exactly what she is doing, maybe different story - but still time for an alternative placement or some respite caregiver in your home.

Maybe your husband is not aware of how many caregivers fail to outlive their caregivees for just this reason - is that what he really wants, to be a widower with his mom expecting him to take over all her care? If not, something has to change. if so, something else needs to change. Sorry to be harsh, but you have a situation that has gone on 10 years too long and probably felt guilty or selfish for not just indefintiely and happily putting up with it...it needs to change and the change will only start by you insisting and drawing some lines, because everyone else's needs are well met by the status quo, at your expense.

So well said, vstefans.

You keep going to that therapist and you keep asserting your right/need to live your own life. Ultimately that may need to mean that MIL moves out of your house, or that she hires in-home care, and certainly that she stops treating you like a servant.

Where is your husband on these issues? I don't blame him for being at work, but what is his attitude toward your concerns?

I know it sounds harsh to say "let her fall" but there is wisdom (if she doesn't have dementia) in allowing natural consequences of her actions to be her teacher. Get yourself to the gym and wherever you need to be. You are responsible for offering her shower assistance on YOUR SCHEDULE not her whim.

So hubby is "hiding out" at work. I have a hubby like that. He is a few years younger than me also. He should be treating you better. Yes, he. Your MIL is his mother and his responsibility. If he doesn't have the ability to stand up for you, then you will have to stand up for yourself. What is the worst that can happen. The old girl goes to assisted living or a nursing home? Too bad, she should have been nice to you. And your husband? He is passive aggressive as well. Learned it from mom I guess.

When my twins were in college my husband decided he would rather me work at a physically strenuous job to pay their bills than take it from the investments that were supposed to be for college. He just couldn't part with the money so I worked the bad job. Hurt my back in the process. Then his Mom got really sick and they wanted me to drive 100 miles one way on Wednesdays to sit with her so the family would not,have to spend some of their money on care (they were quite wealthy too). To he*% with that. I said no. And when the twins finished college, I quit the crappy job. You have to stand up for yourself, no one else will.

What I know from having a husband who also was like yours when it came to mom is you have to be the one to say what you will or will not do. They just don't respect you enough to even think about what you need or feel.

"Go ahead and go to the gym, I'll just take a shower by myself..." (and fall and it will be your fault, so stay home with me.)
You know this is a typical response that a child would come up with and yet this is a 90 year old adult. I'm just curious, does anybody really mature when we get older or do we remain spoiled brats all our lives? We are always told not to take these kind of comments personally, but how the h*ll does a person continue day in and day out and not take it personally. There is only so much crap a person can put up with before they explode and the guilt enters and makes it even worse. I truly wonder what the h*ll the purpose of living is when this is the future the majority of the human race is going to have to endure. Ain't life grand.

Why is she in your home and destroying your life? If you died tomorrow, where would she go? Then put her there or suffer the continual abuse that she gives.

I would first ask if she has a bath chair in the shower. I put that in for my mom and this has been a huge help. Also , putting a hand held shower head that she can hold while she sits down on the bath chair is a huge help. That way she is not standing as much. The other thing is tell her to use the shower when you are at home. If she wants to wash herself while you are away to use a wash cloth. This way she maintains her independence and does not tie you down everytime she wants a shower.

she was able she get things and did thing at her own pace. Now that she is in need she want the same type of timing I'm not saying it is right that is just how it is.

VTShan, all good advice. Not sure if your MIL has cognitive issues, and that is another thing. However , I just want to say (and I'm sure your therapist has told you) that in dealing with manipulative/abusive relationships, it is typical for them to push back harder as you try to gain more control. You are changing the rules and upsetting the status quo. After 10 years it will be hard, but not impossible! Hang in there and stand your ground. Hugs & strength!!

Well since I just turned 66 yrs. yesterday, I don't consider myself "elderly" and you do not describe what your health issues are. At 90 yrs. she seems to be in pretty good shape and I am afraid your husband is playing the absent card just so he doesn't have to deal with her dementia. Get him to step up to the plate, or you will have no one to blame for being her caregiver but you. Speak up!

Time to hire bathing assistance on her dime. I finally got Visiting Angel to help me with my Dad. He was very difficult about taking a shower, some times it would take two days to get him into his once a week shower. He is very cooperative with her, and they both enjoy each other's company. I get to go out and about for 4 hours without worry. We had a couple folks come in, finally found Crystal who is wonderful. I just got my first hair cut in 6 months Monday! It is nice to do shopping and not worry he is laying on the floor while I am away.

I also think you need a "spa" vacation, someplace nice where you can relax, get a massage or two, not think about anyone but you. You have earned it.

My thanks to all who offered suggestions and support. Yes, I'm changing the rules and the effect is like a tidal wave on a calm, sunny day at the beach. No one knows what's up. I'm praying lots for strength as I'm a natural caregiver - this is year 16 given now deceased parents care and MIL in year 10. If I don't make these changes now, it'll never happen. On that note, I'm leaving for FL on Sunday for 2 weeks with best friend from high school. Let them eat cake.

Enjoy your vacation!! What will happen with your MIL while you're gone? Will hubby step up and take over, or will she be left to her own devices?

Enjoy your much needed vacation & don't worry about ANYTHING!

MIL has hired help. If she doesn't keep paying for it when I return, she will be alone as I'm volunteering and having a life!
Amen.

What is her mental state and why is she living with you?

If she's fine on her own, there is absolutely no reason why you have to be there for her. NONE. Just make sure she has all the stuff she needs to get herself a sandwich and whatever, then go do what you want to do and don't let her take over your life. I believe you're old enough at this point to be able to talk back. And it will not be your fault if she falls. Elderly people fall all the time. There are many who live alone and use walkers. Just lay out the consequences of falling and I can tell you she'll be careful she doesn't.

And if she demands a shower, tell her you'll call someone to come give her one because you have plans for that time of day. Guaranteed to work each and every time.

Oh, and your therapist should tell you what my psychiatrist told me...they belong in assisted living and/or nursing homes. He had to place his own MIL in one to save his wife from the stress involved. He told me to do the same, but in this instance, 'our' moms have dementia, mine is getting worse each and everyday.

Story from a very long time ago: My ex husband's grandmother lived with his parents until she moved out at the age of 84 to a kind of assisted living facility. This was in the late 70s/early 80s. She would call me everyday to give me the 'scoop' on what was going on within the family. She'd tell me that my husband' parents would go out, 'leaving me alone, never telling me where they're going', the whole nine yards. And of course, his siblings were just 'horrible' ...so, chances are not only is she living in your house, she's probably the family 'snoop' when you're gone, if she has access to a phone.

If there's nothing wrong with her mentally, perhaps she needs to go into assisted living and let you and your husband live your own lives. Ten years is way too long. And there's no need for it, especially if it's you with the burden. Did SHE lose ten years of her life caring for someone? And please don't give me the bit about parents caring for their babies and we owe them. Babies are a promise. Older people, not so much. Especially when they're cranky and bossy.

It's your house. He's at work. Lay down YOUR rules. And if she tells her son you're mean, you just say you never said such a thing. (boy, am I mean tonight)

MIL is 90 and lived in a tiny town where winter locked her in, so we invited her to live with us. Not a bad idea 10 years ago. Harder now that I'm 67, had cancer, deal with fatigue issues and have a lifelong habit and nature of a caretaker. MIL is very social, loved by everyone AND has a strong personality and get her way, one way or another. Crossing her is never a good idea which means I went along and my life become one of servitude. My own fault. She's been spoiled all of her life and the present is no different. So I'm trying desperately to stand my ground and have a life of my own as she has her own life with help from hired caretakers. I'm praying this works. I doubt she would be willing to go to assisted living and, frankly, her health is fragile enough that she may not qualify and would be put in a nursing home unit - totally unacceptable to all of us. So we'll see what happens after Thanksgiving. Thanks for all of your great comments. They give me resolve and strength.