How do you cope when your Alzheimer's parent doesn't remember the family?

To answer your first question, yes, it's the Alzheimer's that is robbing her of her memory of those your mom loved. It's difficult for us to imagine that someone would forget their spouse of 50 years but that's the Alzheimer's working on her brain. It must have been very upsetting to you to realize that your mom no longer knew who your dad was, that those lovely memories were gone. It's a horrible disease.

As far how long you can care for your mom at home that's a personal decision you're going to have to consider based on many things such as how safe is she at home, are you able to really care for her at home or would she be better cared for in a nursing home.

If she gets to a point where she doesn't recognize you and you scare her because you're a stranger to her that would be the point, I would think, that you would have to place her in a nursing home. Be prepared. Have a facility picked out, get on some waiting lists for a bed, have her paperwork together. You don't want to be scrambling while your mom is screaming for help because she doesn't know you anymore.

On the other hand, that day may not come. She may just accept that you are a person who cares for her and she may be comfortable with that. There is absolutely no predicting when it comes to Alzheimer's.

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

I understand the grief you are feeling--I have heard people talk about the small deaths that occur along the way when people have dementia. You begin to lose pieces of your relationship with them, too, and you just need to find a way to allow yourself to grieve while also maintaining your present loving relationship with them.

I have not seen the movie about Glen Campbell, but I have a sense that it might address a similar issue as his disease progressed. I was also very moved by his last song, recorded for his life, in which he sang he'd be okay near the end because he would not remember anything, and so could not feel hurt.

But I also think that it is important for people to find connections with the people they love as they are and who they are. We have small joys in our lives, though they are sometimes hard to see.

It might also help to find a support group of other caregivers who can offer you ideas and hope.

Best of luck to you.

Janice

My girlfriend kept her husband home until he became violent. That is the number one consideration: Safety, for all concerned. The second is Health: when YOUR health is compromised, when you are exhausted, you have to call in the pros, or you die before the patient does. 30% of caregivers die first.

I know that my husband knows me and depends on me. I don't know if he knows I am his wife. He rarely says my name. We have been married for 35 years. When I recently showed him our wedding picture, he recognized himself but when I pointed to myself and asked him who it was, he asked, "Who's that girl?" I laughed and told him it was me. You have to lighten up. It is not the patient's fault. The Alzheimer's robs them of the memory. My husband sometimes looks at me and says, "you and me, together, right? Forever? Right?" and I always answer, "Yes, forever!" What else could I say?

Jeffrey, I know that feeling of your Mom now knowing you. I was in a support meeting about 5 years ago and burst into an unconsolable state of tears. You will get over it with time. Their memory will come and go and then more go and so on. Its ok, you still know her and love her and thats all that matters. I wouldnt push the photos, etc, all you want to do is keep her happy.Photos and asking questions confuses them and can send them into a sad place. Remember, she is always right, just agree agree agree. You'll go through many stages, some where you might need a little bit of help from the doctor (depakote rx), but keeping her in your home is priceless. Lock the tops of your doors with the old chain locks and hang in there. My Moms been with my husband and I for 7 years now in our home, she is 93 now. She cannot walk, talk, is incontinent, and hasnt known us for at least 5 years. Its ok. we love her to pieces. I keep telling her what a fantastic Mom she is, how pretty her eyes are, etc. and she laughs. She loves music (she cant see well, nor understand what she sees). We sing to her, put on Lawrence Welk, Elvis, Christmas songs, etc. She is one super happy lady and the doctor, and my family, are so proud. I am not saying its not the hardest work you will ever do, but the most gratifying in your heart. I hired a morning bather M-F after I started to crack up and weekend help every other weekend so we can go out, and its a huge help. In the beginning I used daycare as I was still working fulltime, she could walk then. We will never put Mom in a nursing home, she is with us for life. Just holding her hand and being close is what they need, I cant imagine her being alone in a nursing home. I am here if you need any questions answered for at-home care. I am going to go hoyer Mom into her recliner.
PS My Mom is considered a bedridden person but she can still hold up her head so I wont give into that. We even bought a used handicap van and take her on vacations with us, with hoyer in tow, Shes the lucky lady. I could only hope I could get such care if I get this! Mom wakes up laughing, what does that tell you? Good luck!

My father does not remember that my hubs and I are his family.. normally he just thinks we are the people that live in the house with him. We deal.. I know its the disease. He also does not remember Mom is his wife alot of the time. But he knows we all love him. However it is hard for my 26 year old daughter. She is the only grandchild, and handles it well, but sometimes she crys over this. however, it has not affected our ability to take care of dad.

My husband doesn't always know me, but I always know him.

Your a wonderful son & bring tears to my eyes.

I am a R.N. too & have the skills to deal with this & I so believe that sometimes loosing one's memory is not so bad? Other times it is terrible especially when your the enemy; don't know if you have been there & if not, hope you don't have to go there. Made me smile that you pulled out your drivers license to show her, I'll use that one. Thanks. See, you help me.
I so don't wish to ramble. Early here where I am & still dark....

You are a Blessing....Listen to Pam....she gives great advice.

I don't know how to cope on this, actually. My grandma lived with my family and didn't have any idea who any of us were. As a child, it was hard to understand. I doubt that it helps that you're an adult. It's just a hard thing to deal with and it's natural to feel sad about it.

As a side note, my mother only has mild memory loss, but when she moved in with me, I had this idea that we'd finally go through all the family photos and make notes on who was in which photos, make a DVD of it, and send copies to everyone in the family.

The first photo was of my parents, brother and I, taken when my brother and I were quite young - she took one look and said, "who's that?!" - and that's just with mild memory loss. I haven't tried, again - not sure if it will be fruitful.

My husband of 42 years suffered from Alzheimer's. He actually called the police one day to get me out of the house as he thought I was an intruder. It's very sad when they no longer know who you are. Unfortunately it got to the point where he was combative, probably out of fear of this 'stranger' in his house, taking his things, trying to poison him, etc. When it became dangerous for myself, and also for him, as he would try to 'escape', he was placed in hospice care. This was a blessing for both of us and for his daughter, who watched him deteriorate day by day. Stress will take a toll on your health, so when the time comes, don't be afraid to put her in a safe place where she will be cared for by professionals. I wish you the very best! God bless you for your loving spirit.

I know how you feel. My mother is 82 in the latter stages of dementia/alzheimers. She questions every night the home she's lived in (the last one) for 15 years. She thinks this is a temporary place she is at. Knows me because I care for her every day. She knows my other siblings when they come by and then forgets soon after. I have a brother who is dying and I'm not sure I will even tell her as it will be upsetting and then she will forget she even knows. Barely remembers her husband of 52 years and forgets him name often and the fact that he died 11 years ago. It is getting worse. I am sure the need for nursing care will come. Right now, no insurance, no extra money for expensive memory care units, it's just me.