How do you cope emotionally if you have a sibling(s) that have left you with the full responsibility of caregiving?

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It is a lost cause getting my sister to help me with my elderly parents. She helps in no way whatsoever, but the annoying part about it is that I have resentment that she has not stepped up to the plate and done even the bare minimum. I read a quote recently that has helped me somewhat. It states "One can only be angry with those he respects". To be honest, I have lost a lot of respect for my sister for her refusal to help me, but how do I make peace with it within myself? My sister is very nice in other respects, and possibly she does not realize how hard it's been on me being the sole caregiver for our folks, (since she has never been in my shoes), but I just want to move on emotionally from my negative feelings. How do you cope emotionally if you have a sibling(s) that have left you with the full responsibility of caregiving?

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The first thing you have to remember is that you are doing the right thing. Your sister is not.

The second is: And this is a question. Do you and your sister have children?

Because: If you both of you do are you giving your children the right message by learning from you, taking care of your parents now, for when you are old, and are your sisters children learning from her.Yes they are. Who do you think is going to have family that cares when that day comes for you and your sister?

Your sister is making her bed and someday she will have to lie in it as will you. I think your bed will better.
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My therapist has been a great support in dealing with my child-like sisters. I have come to expect less from them and that helps, but i also don't know that I will want to have a relationship with them later. I had cancer while caring from Mom and I ask them to come stay here for a week so I can have a break. They both went to Europe last month and will probably have a ton of excuses why they would love to help, but it's just not convenient. I do have DPOA, so I have gotten some lovely ladies to spend some time with Mom and give me a break.
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First of all Whitney, your sister did not leave you with the full responsibility of caring for your parents. Your sister does not have that kind of power over your decision-making, just as you do not have that kind of power over hers. Your parents needed care. You decided you would provide care. (HooRay for you!) Your sister decided she would not. (I won't be judgmental. I know nothing about the background here.)

Your sister did not "leave you" with anything. She did not force your decision. She made a choice about what she would do.

I really think it makes a difference to be clear about this. You still don't have to like her decision. You still can resent it. But it is not directed against you; at least accept that. It was her choice about what she would do. It was not a choice about what you should do. You made that decision.

Perhaps the decision you really wanted to make is to provide half the care your parents need. OK, why don't you do that? It would be nice if Sister provided the other half, but that is not going to happen. So your task is to figure out how to get the other half provided. Hiring it makes a lot of sense, doesn't it?

You may be perfectly justified in your feeling that your sister made the wrong choice. We often feel that way about our siblings' choices. (Why on earth did she marry HIM? She shouldn't gamble so much. He shouldn't have left that job in a moment of anger. etc.) Mostly we are sad about their "wrong" choices. Sometimes we are angry. But in my opinion life is too short and family too precious to hang on to grudges over other people's decisions.

Clinging to resentment definitely won't change your sister's mind. It probably won't even hurt her. But it will take a toll on you.
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I guess the thing it is just doesn't bother me that much anymore. Maybe once a year but I kind of vented on facebook and you won't believe how many friends I have that said they would be glad to help. You can't change others just yourself. I find that when I am totally overwhelmed I pick up my Bible and read Job.
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Cinderburb,thank youi do not feel better but at lease I am not along,johnnycares.
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My family lived within 5 miles of my mom and after dad died not one of them really had anything to do with mom. That was 10 years ago and if she gets a card or a call from them on her birthday or mother's day it would be a miracle. My brother still lives in the area and he shows up when he feels like it. Both my sisters have since moved out of state and the one time I lost it on facebook, they were right there to tell me that if they were here they would be helping. Well when they were here they didn't help. What I'm trying to say is that in most families there is ONE who ends up with the job of taking care of our parents. Very seldom do I get angry or resent them, I would like a life also. But in the long run no matter how hard it is to watch my mother slip further away, I will at least have been there. If your sister at least comes and sees her parents, I would be thankful for that, cause I am sure that makes at least someone's day. It is a hard road and not everyone is able to do it. I do applaud you for your caring, thank you for sharing, it makes so many of us in the same boat know we are not alone. This seems to be a good site to air our concerns, and to know that others are going through it also.
Besides anger and resentment only hurt us, not the other person. Try to remember that you are a special type of person
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Whitney, it's hard enough taking care of your parents without adding yet another load by carrying the resentment you have for your sister's lack of help and support. My sister was the same way. I lived within 8 miles of mom and she lived across the country so I give her a pass on that. But there were other ways she could've helped with our mother but she flat out told me she didn't want to. I hate what she did but to be honest, I still love her because she's my sister and in a lot of ways, she is a nice person like your sister. Some sibs can't help, it brings them too much pain, which describes my very weak sister. Other sibs won't help because they're selfish. The bottom line is "let it go" if for no other reason than to save your sanity. You can't make your sister help or want to help. For whatever reason, you have this job. Yes, it makes you exhausted, angry and so much more. You may say "she will get hers" but really, that's not your call. It'd be wonderful to have your sister on board but I doubt it's going to happen. I'm sure you've talked to her and shared your feelings. If she still can't or won't play an active role, please move on. Nobody ever said life is fair especially when it comes to caring for elderly parents.
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