Relationships with abusive parents and the full circle. How to cope?

I really like the answers above. Great advice. I might suggest also the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. Or another daily meditation book by her, The Language of Letting Go. Great insights on how to draw our boundaries and take care of ourselves.

Al-anon for you. If the parent has been actively treating the alcoholism with AA or another program, there shouldn't be this manipulation. If the person just stopped drinking but isn't treating the underlying problem, the disease isn't treated. Either way, I'd suggest that you attend Al-anon. Stay on the counselor's list, too, but Al-anon will help you set boundaries and detach so that you don't let yourself fall for the manipulation.

Take care of yourself first!
Carol

My sympathy. CMagnum is right ( hi cmagnum!).

You wrote:

I need something I can keep in my when she's railing about all the arguing going on at home

The answer is: have an escape route!!! Do not be in the home!!!

This is the strategy that a lot of recovering alcoholics use to protect themselves. They just remove them selves from people, places, and things. Conversely, you must do the same.

My mom is not an alcoholic but my dad was and I have used this strategy for many years: keep visits frequent and very short, an hour or 90 minutes. Done and done. Get out of there. Even now, my mom is in AL and she is very nice but her behaviors (incessant interrogation) wear me out. So, lots of really short visits.

You can do this. Plan the day and the visits. Have a life. Go get'em!

Hi amicable,

Boundaries require concrete consequences not as instruments of change or punishment, but means of self-protection. Forgiveness to me does not mean giving them a clean slate to abuse you once again. One consequence might be significantly reduced contact. Some have found it necessary to reach a point of no contact.

When she goes into one of her irrational rages, you can calmly reply that you are leaving until she is able to talk calmly. Or if this happens on the phone, tell her that you must end the conversation for the same reason. Yes, she is and will be upset, but she needs to learn to calm herself. Not setting boundaries and following through with concrete consequences only serves to enable and embolden them.

It sounds to me like she has some personality disorder. It's not as important to know the exact diagnosis as to realize that you did not make her that way. You can't control her personality. And despite all hope which I realize often lives eternal, you will not be able to change them. The only person that you can change is yourself. You can chose to step out of the mire and put yourself on a healthier path regardless of what she chooses to do. She's not going to stop her dance of fear, obligation and guilt. However, you don't have to dance this emotional black mail dance with her. She's groomed you for this dance, but you can get out.

It does not sound like she is the type of person from whom we would expect change via various motivations and in particular, sacrificial love.

Like some abused spouses who return in hopes that if they just love their spouse more, then they want get abused again. This is the same dynamic, but instead of the abuser being a spouse, it is a parent.

This is very hard to deal with because parents and particularly mothers are not supposed to be this way.

Sometimes there is a religious aspect to all of this that misuses a healthy biblical principle and statement in a very toxic manner which is an example of when religion gets sick because the person is sick and not because of faith itself.

None of this is easy as you've read me say this often today and yesterday. The F.O.G.y parent will get mad as hell, attempt to make you feel that you are the problem as their means to get you back in line. Remember, they can't succeed if you don't offer a codependent response back to them. Actually you have more power than they do because you can quit the dance.

Stop dancing her dance and dance your own. Have a great anniversary trip!