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Wife getting upset with husband because he can't be out there all the time. Goes as often has he can get off 3 days off in a row and sometime goes SAT-SUN. She states he is letting her down. Mother in Law not will to move to our area. I am willing to move out to that area, but it takes a high paying job to be replaced in order to make it work. Hard to come by these days. Additionally we have a 13 year old daughter to is upset that her family is broken up and wants here mom to come home, but Mom demands to stay there. Wife won't even take any free time to enjoy herself when we're out there. A perfect example is we spend a lot of money for tickets to a Christian music event but Mom isn't willing to go as a family because she's under too much stress. To me going off with her family and being exactly that would be very beneficial. To take it a step further, our daughter has been talking for months about the event with excitement, my wife wants me not to take her and stay there with her or she will be upset. (Tickets are not transferrable to another person to take my daughter because they are VIP) I'm at odd to what to do... any advise for me?

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You and your daughter go to the event. Obviously the MIL is very controlling and the wife is picking up every guilt card she plays. These family dynamics were established decades ago.
What you CAN control is your own parental dynamic. Do it, go, enjoy the show with your daughter.
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Yep. I agree with Pam. Your daughter and u GO 🤓
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You have too many competing interests here. It is often very difficult to stand up to one's MIL, especially when the guilt card is played. But if you can do it once, the following times will be easier. In any situation, it is not possible to please everyone. Someone will alway tend to be unhappy in any situation. Some people enjoy being unhappy.
I also suggest that you keep a record of money spent on your MIL. Then share it with your wife.
Under no circumstances should you quit your current high paying job to move to be near your MIL.
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Let me understand this....your wife has left your bed and board to care for her mother who lives a distance away and she is upset with YOU?

How about getting some outside caregivers to care for mom in law so that your wife can get back to where she belongs? Have you ever heard the phrase "leave and cleave"? A spouse's (male or female) place is with their spouse and children, except in the most dire and short term emergency.

Yes, go to the concert with your daughter. Consider going to a counselor to figure out why you are putting up with this.
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I guess I am being naive but I don't know where assuming the MIL is controlling or placing guilt on the daughter. Maybe the wife feels her mom needs her more then the husband and daughter at the moment. I would definitely send husband and their daughter to the show and perhaps husband could help wife figure out a way to get her some help with the caregiving. Sounds to me like the wife is overwhelmed and is looking for help and mental support. I often said to my husband that if it was your mom, I would do the same. Sadly a few months after my mom passed, my MIL went downhill quickly and my husband took 2 weeks vacation from work to spend that time with his mom. I think more along the lines that we do what we have to do, moms time may be very limited. Give your wife as much support as you are able at this time.
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From what the OP writes, it seems as though this is a long term situation, since OP is talking about the idea of changing jobs vs. MIL moving. It does not sound like MIL is on her deathbed. I agree; if she is, it's a very different situation and there needs to be understanding on both sides.

So many posters here start out with "....I had no choice and had to....." there is ALWAYS a choice. If your parent is indigent, there is Medicaid. If your parent has funds, there is care at home or care in a facility. If your parent "chooses" to only accept care from family members, there is no law that says you have to provide it.
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I too left my home and spouse to care for father that had had massive heart attack along with surgery. I thought it was going to be for a couple of weeks and ended up being 6 mos. It wasn't 6 hours away (only 45 min) but had a sister who lived only 10 min away. However she had her own set of problems plus job that she needed desperately. Thank goodness my husband was so supportive and never asked once when are you coming home. When he wasn't out of town he would could by every evening for dinner, to "entertain" my dad while I crashed, and of course see me. I also took care of his parents but not to this extent but he did appreciate how much I did do. I'm rambling here so will finish up......I finally couldn't do it anymore and saw that unless "I" did something this could go on until I dropped. I sat down with my dad and told him "this is what we are going to do" and laid out a plan. Sell the house, move him into a retirement facility, get his financial house in order and get ME home! It took a while to get him to be completely comfortable with it (thank God he is easy to get along with in the first place) but we go it all done. Oh and also during the 6 mos. I had to put my mom into an alz/dem facility. It was a terrible time, I saw my personality change and the stress was tremendous. 6 years later I'm still doing a lot for mom and dad, drs. appts and mtgs. but at least I'm home now. I didn't have a young child at home or else I wouldn't have been able to do it. Husband would have done the best he could but he traveled sooo.... You didn't say what was wrong with you MIL. Is she ill, dementia....if it is no wonder she won't move, their brains don't work the same as ours, some other ailment? She will be mad at first when she moves but when she sees that her daughter is happier and she gets to see her grand daughter more everyone will be so much better off. If she's not ill just wants the company or puts the guilt trip on your wife then I think you put your foot down with your MIL. Maybe your wife isn't strong enough to do it and wants SOMEone to do it for her so it won't be on her. I know my dad wasn't strong enough to take my mom so I did it. It was one of the worst days of my life but I did it for him. Ok, now I'm really going to end my long post. Parents shouldn't do this to their kids and I hope I have the mind still left that I don't do it with our son. If she can afford it, find 3 places for her to look at so that SHE can make a decision (she will feel like she still has some control) if not then look into medicaid, use a social worker or a elder care attny. Your wife might feel better about things if YOU have a plan put in place for her. Oh my gosh.....I could go on and on here but will spare you. Just be aware that IF you get your MIL settled, it might take your wife a while to settle back in and get her family feet back under her. It did me after only 6 mos. and that was 6 years ago. Anyway.....best of luck to you and your family and God Bless. He is with you ALWAYS.
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its a tough decision to make, but I (personally) feel that this woman's husband and child come first. Fit mom in where you can (especially since a long distance from home). get with aging office and find out what "her mother" can or cannot afford, file for Medicaid if possible and get some caregivers in there to handle most of the week and she can visit on the weekends. or just say that before I have a breakdown in my own health, these are the options. I understand that no one (not even myself when the time comes) will want to leave their home that they have lived in for a long time and depending if she has dementia she won't understand how demanding her care is and what is has on her daughters health. my father is in nursing home due to my mother not being able to handle him any longer and I know when and if the time comes for my mom, she already told me that she does not want to live with my family to disturb it but to place her in a home where she can be taken care of and we can visit and be a family. I hope that this man and woman can get some "alone" time to really discuss what the toll taken on her health will be and the affect it is having on her daughter (13.......wow the beginning of hormonal changes), really mom should be at home........good luck.
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We only have a snap shot here in the film of your life. So I'm only seeing what is in your post. I realize there is more to the story. Your description of your wife is that of a needy child who wants you with her and to heck with what the reality is of your work or the needs are of your vulnerable daughter. She's questioning your loyalty to her instead of being appreciative of the support you are giving. She's discounting your daughters feelings ( perhaps because she can't really appreciate anyone else's feelings right now). If the MIL is truly on her death bed, the daughter should be able to understand. If she isn't then perhaps it's time for the family to get therapy. Children need care and when they are asked to deal with adult problems, they at least need the tools to help them do that. It's very hard to be a 13 year old and make the transition to adulthood with parents who are paying attention. Even harder without. This is a special time in your family to truly bond and pull together. It's hard for a dad to be pulled in opposite directions by his wife and his daughter. Your wife may make the same argument that she is being pulled by her mother and her family. You obviously care a great deal or you wouldn't be looking for help. Since your wife is absent, you are doubly responsible for your daughter. Go and have a good time. Don't apologize to your wife. She needs to realize that there are four people in this scenario and they all matter. She needs to be trusting that you are making the best decisions you can for your family. It probably won't help your wife for you to give in to her demands but it might help her to get a wake up call that you and daughter are going to live your lives with or without her. Good luck and I hope you are able to give your daughter the gift of truly enjoying the concert.
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I feel for the wife. She is trying to do the right thing by her Mom but sacrificing time with her 13yr old daughter who needs her Mom at this time. If daughter is 13 the MIL can't be too old. Is it a temporary illness? If not then this maybe the time to look into her finances. Does she own her home? Have wife call Office of aging and see what they offer in services. Find out cost of caregivers. I agree, leaving a good job is not the answer in this economy. Remember, your wife is probably stressed and homesick. Maybe its time for a talk with MIL. Explaining the stress her illness is putting on your family. If she can't come to you then other arrangements will need to be made.
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I just want to say that I'd be giving the sme answers if it was a son living at a distance to care for a parent.
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Without knowing the mental or physical state of MIL and whether her condition is chronic or acute/temporary, I can't say what the best approach is in caring for her. I can tell you, however, that your daughter should be your main concern at this precarious time in her life, transitioning from childhood to teens. The last thing you want is to have her look elsewhere for acceptance and approval, and she will do just that if she feels that she has minor significance in your family. Look to her needs first, including engaging her in the care of her grandmother if possible. It's not too early to give her that kind of responsibility, but if she is shoved aside it may be everlastingly too late to foster the kind of relationship with her parents that she needs so much at this time.
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I agree with 97yroldmom. Your daughter is at a very delicate time in her life. You are not a teenage girl but you are her dad and you are *the most* important man in her life. Do not screw this up by worrying more about your fully grown wife than about your developing daughter.

Go to the show and do not apologize for it.

If your daughter is not already involved in extracurricular activities, get her into Girl Scouts, 4-H or something that teaches young women life skills and builds self esteem.

She is 13 and while it's okay that your 13 year old daughter do something nice for her grandmother every once in a while (like visit or bake cookies) do not make a regular habit of it. Until she is 18, she needs to be parented (ideally by both you and your wife) and be around other girls her own age.
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mwb719 - sorry I wasn't clear when I wrote 'you are not a teenage girl' - well, duh. I meant to add that because you aren't a teenage girl you do not understand what it's like to be her.
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Several of these stories sound like mine..1 surgery, 2 broken legs, lost my Dad since Dec., 2014 & now Mar, 2016-Easter & I'm still doing legal stuff trying to keep my Mom safe til something else happens..have sitters but some don't stay so that's an issue. Probably will just be under radar getting all the legal stuff changed into her name so I can continue to pay sitters & bills. My husband is getting sick & tired of excuses to why I can't leave & come home (my house is in need of so many repairs I can't bring her home with me & there are no really good places to place her close to me)..the stress is getting to be overwhelming. Driving back & forth was wearing down my body & I was already in PT myself. So I feel your dilemma & pain. If it were that simple I would already have been home. Fortunately, my husband's sisters will take care of his Mom. I know what my marriage vows were & I know how many times my Mom came & helped me when I was sick or one of my kids was sick & left my Dad at home to fin for himself cause he was still working & so was my husband (now retired & I'm semi-retired). So is there an easy way to leave your Mom to caregiver strangers that keep changing..Everytime I go to the ASL seems somebody is being transported to the hospital & I'm sure their kin are being called cause the facility folks don't go with them. Before I even got to the hospital 2 times, they put an IV in her left arm where she lost her breast to cancer & she couldn't tell them any different that they shouldn't do that. Now I think from all the drugs she may have dementia but that takes a referral & a long wait to even get into see the nuerologist to confirm or not. Well you guys have a great Easter. I will remember all in prayers.
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You will regret not having a life with your daughter if you do not take the opportunity. Some day your wife WILL regret choosing her mother over you and your daughter. Would you consider finding a counselor where your wife is and going there once a month. If she refuses, maybe you should consider having some counseling to help you decide HOW to handle this situation....if not for your marriage's sake, for your daughters sake.....hang in there.
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After reading some of these posts it sounds to me like the wife is being made the villian here for taking care of her mom. I am sure throughout the teenagers life there were many events that only mom could attend. These people are married, why is it not ok for the husband to pick up some of the wife's slack since she is taking care of her mom? This teenager is old enough to help out mom occasionally. As Tvidos pointed out above, her mom was there for her and her family on numerous occasions. Is this the same for the wife in question? I had premature twins, my mom lived with me for 6 months. Dad would go home alone and come back each morning. One of the things my mom would endlessly repeat each night in bed to me was " are you sure you don't mind staying with me, I really appreciate it". And my answer was "no mom I don't. If i needed help i know you would be right beside me." We definitely don't know all of the facts here and in my opinion, husband should take teenager to show, but let's not make the wife the villian, that is just not fair. Everyon's circumstances are different and sometimes I think we are too quick to judge. Happy Easter 💐😇🙏
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The post starts out " wife being upset with husband because he can't be out there ( at MIL's) all the time.

Wife apparently wants family to relocate due to he mother's needs. This needs to be a sit down discussion; it's not a temporary emergency.
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MWB,
You and your wife and daughter have had an established home for many years. It sounds like your MIL lives alone. One person should not "trump" the other 3. She should not expect you 3 to uproot your lives (your good job, your daughter's high school, your friends and neighbors, etc.) just so she doesn't have to relocate. Your wife sounds as if she's very controlled by her mother. She obviously wants to take care of her and that's her right. But (biblically and morally) you and your daughter are her FIRST responsibility. I would put my foot down and tell your wife you are doing all you can, (working, caring for the house, caring for your daughter, etc.) while she CHOOSES to care for her mom. Do NOT play into her game. If that's what she wants to do, she needs to find her own caregiving relief.
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DEFINITELY, take your daughter to the concert. Your wife will regret that you both wouldn't go in the future (when she no longer is caring for her mother). Your daughter will be bitter and blame her mother for not going. Your wife has to be the adult and encourage you both to go.
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mwb,

Your post confused me a bit at first because you attempted to write in the 3rd person; then switched to 1st.

That 13 y/o comes first, and you should focus on taking care of her instead of dropping everything you're doing to keep your wife satisfied. She's made her choice. Do, however, be supportive without falling prey to further emotional blackmail. Let her know you'll hold down the fort until she's ready to come home. Don't fall for the emotional blackmail.
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Disregard the last sentence.
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I don't think anyone is trying to make the wife look like a villain, I think we/they are just trying to make her understand even though her mother needs care, her immediate family (husband/child) are the first priority. the MIL should be given the choice of moving closer or having someone else to come in and care for her on some days while the wife is at home and then she can visit/help other times. but even though a teenager can help.........she is at the beginning of the teens at the most crucial time when hormones really start and she needs her mother. dad's can do some things, some can do all, but the teenager will still need her mother for different things. what would this MIL do IF the wife was sick and couldn't come to see/help her; what IF the wife had an accident and was in the hospital and had to do therapy for several months??? the MIL would have to allow someone else to care for her.
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mwb719, unless someone is in the shoes of a caregiver taking care of an elder, they really don't understand the physical stress and mental stress of such work. Mwb, sounds like your wife is burnt out, on the edge and probably feels like she is drowning. The guilt an elder can put on you can eat you alive. Thus your wife will be upset with you, as you are the only person she can talk to about this, so please listen to her and ask her how can you help.... she might glare at you thinking you should know what to do.. why does she have to think about EVERYTHING.

Is this a situation where your Mom-in-law refuses to have strangers in the house to help? My Mom was like that, and it made me feel resentful that I had to carry the load even though I wasn't living under the same roof with my parents [in their 90's]. I was running back and forth between houses, neglecting my own house, neglecting my own health, and neglecting my career. And if someone said to me take time for myself, I would wonder what world they were in.

My sig other thought he was helping a lot, but in reality it was more like 20% with me doing the 80%. We had many a fight over that. Same odds when it came to caring for my own house. Nothing worse then coming home to find not one chore was done day after day. I was exhausted and it took a major toll on my health.

Read up on everything you can about your Mom-in-law's health, that way you can talk to your wife about it. This website here is a store house of information. Or ask us question here, we will have answers or help you find answers.
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It's all about boundaries. Take a moment to figure out what YOU want out of this situation.... your OWN decision, not influenced by your wife or MIL. Then figure out how much you want to give and start setting boundaries. ("I will do this and this, but I'm not going to do that and that."
My way of figuring it out is, If my mind, my heart and my gut all feel the same way, then it's the right thing to do. Where is YOUR limit?
Also, try to connect with your daughter doing one or two things that she did with her mom.
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Someone needs to empower the woman taking care of Mom to take a break and go to the concert, presuming that Mom can be cared for briefly by someone else. Unless Mom is on hospice and could pass at any moment, feeling unable to do this for one special occasion now and then is just wrong and will led to burnout and deprivation for the family. Is there a pastor who could talk to them about it?
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