How do I convince mom that moving to a new facility will be better for her?


My Mom has Parkinson's and dementia and is restless. She has escaped to outside the building at the nursing home she's in twice. They said she has to go, that they can't be responsible because they are not a locked unit. They've helped me find a new spot and I think it will be nice (better, safer). But I don't know how to broach the subject with Mom so that she wants to go. She wants to leave the place she's in but to go home or on a boat (fantasy scenario in her head). Even if she doesn't want to go, she still has to. What should do?

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Thanks for your comment. It sounds like you've made quite a sacrifice to be with your mom. I wis I had the resources to do that, but my Dad is still at home and I take care of him on a daily basis. My mom has severe diabetes that is so uncontrolled that she has to be in a skilled nursing setting. She is also completely ambulatory - unusual for Parkinson's. Actually, I don't think she has Parkinson's, but it doesn't matter.
I've come to terms with moving her, and the new place seems much more suited to her needs: secure and with more activities geared to that restless - need to do something behavior. I'm hopeful and just pray that she adjusts OK.
Thanks for your thoughts.
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My mom has all the same problems as yours. She falls down very easily because of the shuffle walking caused by the Parkinson's. She also has dementia and thinks she is young and can move as quick as she used to. She was in a nursing home in June after a fall, and they tried to convince me that she would be better off there than at home with me. I disagreed because of her severe restlessness. She doesn't even get her butt onto the chair before she is jumping back up to do something silly.
I have to keep a constant eye on her after a certain time of day, or she falls. When she was in the nursing home, they would keep her in a chair at the nurses station so they could keep a constant watch on her. She was not allowed to walk on her own, and with good reason. Laws forbid restraints of any kind now, so keeping her in a chair was the only choice. If your mom is like this, she will not be allowed to move around on her own. This is the reason I have given up my job to take care of my mom full time. If she was still in the home, she would most certainly have lost her ability to walk on her own by now. It's not easy having her at home, but I feel I can't place her somewhere and have her lose the last bit of freedom she has. I know I won't be able to care for her much longer, but she still can have some quality time at home. She is in a daycare facility 3 days a week and is making friends. She now looks forward to going and getting out. She misses "school" on the 4 days she is at home. Keeping Mom at home may not be an option for you,but it may be better for her then getting thrown out of facilities because of her behavior. The very reason she is there is the reason they don't want to keep her! Ironic isn't it.
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Talk to the community and let them know your concerns. They understand and especially in a Memory Care community that it takes time to adjust. They will be there for YOU and her during this transition time. Aging in Place communities are able to help in some of the most dire circumstances and make sure to keep the lines of communication open about her wandering. maybe her doctor can prescribe some anti anxiety meds for the move and then taper off when she becomes more comfortable. my thoughts are with you.
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Lilli, Thaks so much for your thoughtful reply. Your mother and mine sound like they could be kindred sprits!
Unfortunately time is something we don't appear to have. The Social Worker told me that they want some resolution by the weekend! Now, I know that she is speaking from their agenda - the need to limit liability, fill the bed with another paying resident, etc., but that seems kind of extreme. At the last patient care meeting they broached the subject of moving her - the Neurologist suggested it - but they insisted that they would do whatever it took to keep her there ($8900/mo is an incentive). But now, since this is her second 'offense' the jig is up.
People with dementia need extra time to process things - moving quickly will most surely bring a bad result. I feel a lot of pressure to say the right thing so that she will go willingly - I can't imagine what it will be like if I have to force her.
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This is a constant worry for me too. There seems to be no perfect environment for our elderly. I don't remember any of my grandparents or older relatives having so many physical and mental issues as they got older. So I just have to "wing it" as I make all these important decisions.

First, please remember that you are keeping her safe by moving her to the new facility.

Your mother will always want to return "home." My mother has a fantasy about moving back to her home state and living in a facility where nuns roam the halls and offer individualized care. (a lovely thought, though.)

I find that time is my ally. My mother has always been stubborn...if you ask her to go left, she will inevitably go right. So I use what I call "planting the seed." Mention the subject and then move on to another topic. Next time bring brochures and other information and leave it with her. Let some time pass then perhaps schedule a visit at the new facility. You could also ask if the new facility could provide a "buddy" - someone who lives there and can speak positively about his or her experience...then she would know someone before arrivng. They may also allow short, overnight or weekend visits...which would give you respite.

When I think about having to give up things as I get older, I have to admit that it scares me too. But you have to know that not everyone has a daughter like you who is willing to agonize over these decisions to try and find the best solution for your mother.
God Bless
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