How to convince someone with dementia that something occurred, even though she can't remember?

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Mom has dementia and can't remember things for more than a few minutes. She usually doesn't remember what she did or where she went the next day. She obsesses and worries about things and won't let up. The latest was her flu shot, which she got last week at the doctor office when she had a physical. She is convinced she didn't have the shot, and no matter how many times I tell her she did (I was right there when she got it and I explain over and over). I write it on the blackboard in her apt, write it on a piece of paper in her bedroom, tape it to the refrigerator. She erases what I write or writes over it "did not get" and writes little notes on pieces of paper. We have been over it at least 5 times in the past two days, and we think we have her convinced, she says I understand. Then in a few hours later, here we go again. I don't know what else to do, it gets her really upset, and we aren't able to calm her stress for more than a short time before she starts in again. We have been going through this over so many things, like she thought someone replaced her diamond with a fake, or she thinks she has a medical appointment when she went to it the day before, or other weird fears. Once she gets herself upset about something she won't let it go. Is there a drug that might help her? I hate to see her so stressed, hate getting phone call after phone call, and its stressful for the family. We are waiting for a room at assisted living as she can no longer live alone without some oversight. I know dementia can't be helped much, but I hate seeing her go through this kind of thing time after time.

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Thank you so much for your reply, I guess with loving comes guilt. I realise that it is not my fault but I wanted to look after her. It's just unfortunate that my illness has come at this time but I miss her.
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Boyodog, you have a heavy load to shoulder. I hope you can toss off at least most of the guilt to make the load lighter.

That your mother has Vascular Dementia is Not Your Fault.

That you collapsed is Not Your Fault.

That you now have epilepsy is Not Your Fault.

That Mom is losing memory of you is Not Your Fault.

That you can't visit as often as you would like is Not Your Fault.

Feeling guilty seems to go with caregiving, even though there is seldom logical reason for it. If you can't fully push the guilt off your load, at least shove it to the farthest corner and try not to pay much attention to it.

You slept at your mother's house to give her peace. You cared for her for two years. You studied her disease and learned to cope with it, you placed her where she could get the care she needs. You have a lot to be proud of. Embrace it!
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Ok, this my problem which I really don't think anyone can help with. I looked after my Mother at my home for two years after driving to her home most nights to sleep with her and had to give in eventually to put her in a home with vascular dementia. I have done a lot of homework on her illness although heartbreaking but I have realised how to deal with her. My problem is that I collapsed in May and fractured my skull and diagnosed with epilepsy. I feel guilty because she is getting worse and struggles to remember me and I am finding it hard to visit her and although I don't seem to be able to cry anymore I want to. Regards
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My Mum goes through the same thing, even though she is now in a home she does the same thing. I find the best way to deal with is saying "ok Mum don't worry about it I will deal with it and that relieves her stress. It happens all the time with Mum and Each time it is another worry but she calms down once she thinks it is being dealt with. Hope this helps
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Thank you Surprise. That is good to know. Once I find a geriatric doctor who shows some level of caring, and actually takes the time to diagnose and prescribe with some thought put into it, I am hoping Mom might spend her remaining years happier than she is now. I have watched Mom, at 99, over the past 6 months, slowly lose interest in life, become more negative than she ever has and live in a world of fear and worry. It doesn't have to be that way, I know. Finding a doctor who is interested in diagnosing what is wrong rather than just grabbing the Rx pad and writing a script for the latest trend drug is not easy.
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I want to let you know that my mthr has blossomed socially in Memory Care. I never thought I would see the day when she, an academic, would willingly play bingo. I was shocked when she very proudly showed me the treasure box she won from bingo the first month she was there! She could not remember where she was, but by golly she did remember where she got that treasure box! We just agree with her, but we now have her on an anti anxiety med and an anti depressant. I can't imagine going through life being so scared. The drugs take the edge off so she can enjoy her last months. It's amazing!
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Thanks everyone, I'll try that. By the way, we have taken her twice to have the ring appraised, but promising to do it is a better idea because she just forgets we went there anyway and she is wearing us out. I sure hope we can get her into assisted living soon. I think she will be better when she isn't alone for long periods of time like she is now. She just gets herself in a tizzy trying to find something to worry about because that is her personality, negativity. With the dementia, now the worries are all mixed up for her. She has never had interests, hobbies, puzzles, travel, or liked to do things with a friend or even get interested in a book and she never worked - everything was all about a spouse or child, house or how she looks. Now that is all gone for her and she has never been a happy person anyway. For her to be blessed with such a long and healthy life and to want for nothing and have her children there for her but never appreciate the gift that God has given to her - it makes me sad.
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"OK Mom, I'll get an appointment for your flu shot for next week."
"I'll take your ring into the jeweler and have it appraised so we know for sure if it is real."
"Oh, I'm so sorry I forget to tell you. That appointment had to be rescheduled."

Don't try to reason with her or expect to accept "the truth" -- just calm her in the moment. If she brings it up tomorrow, give her the same answer. If she remembers enough to ask if you've taken the ring in, for example, say "Yes, and I'll get the answer tomorrow."

Trying to convince her of what really happened will only frustrate you in the long run, and not help her at all.
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AmyGrave, I just saw your profile, oh my gosh, your Mom is 99 years old. It is amazing that she has been able to live on her own for all this time, until now.

I don't have this issue as of yet with my 90+ parents, but I have been doing a lot of reading about memory loss. Many has suggested to just agree with what one's parent is saying and try to re-direct that parent to something else, like the weather or a TV show. Thus, if your Mom can't or doesn't think she had a flu shot [even though she did have her shot], tell her she will get a flu shot next week [or whatever].
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Get her to a geriatric psychiatrist. Write all this stuff down and fax it to the doc before the appointment. Yes, there are anti anxiety meds that might help with this.
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