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My parents are 89 and 90, both living in their own home. My father refuses to think about moving to assisted living, but my mother is in fairly declining health. He is her primary caretaker. He is becoming increasingly angry with me for not helping more (I am a single mother working full time), yet refuses to discuss moving to an assisted living facility. He expects me to help more, and to be their primary resource. I am becoming increasingly resentful of the situation, as I am already stretched to the limit.


Any suggestions on to show him that an assisted living facility is better than their current situation? He doesn't want to go live with 'old people'.

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Masie5, it's a generation thing where if there is a daughter she has to drop whatever she is doing and help Mom and Dad.

You could say to your Dad, sure I will quit work.... but only if you pay me my current salary.... pay the payroll taxes.... pay for my health health..... add matching funds to my 401(k)..... pay profit sharing..... pay for vacation pay.... sick day pay.... any end of the year bonus... and pay for any education you need for your job as a caregiver.

I finally learned that I could have set boundaries, but it was a bit too late as routine was already in place. I did stop in-store grocery shopping and started to use on-line. Mom didn't like that, but she no longer had a choice.

I remember one time my Dad said he had a great idea for grocery shopping. I could drive them to the grocery store [they were in their early 90's, both a fall risk] and come back an hour later to pick them up. I had to chuckle to myself, an hour later they would be in Aisle 11 out of 26 :P

You will need to do what many of us here had to do... wait it out.... wait for a medical emergency to happen where a parent is in the ER, then in rehab, then into long-term-care. They get no choice, they go where ever there is an empty bed.
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Excellent advice from those above. If you have some reading time...This question popped up today because the original poster came back with a positive update that could be relevant to your situation. Boundary setting in action!
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-do-we-handle-disagreement-about-in-laws-431846.htm?orderBy=recent&page=5
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I agree that you need to set your boundaries and not do any more than you are doing. They can't become too dependent on you - it's not realistic and it's not fair. No way can you take care of two people at that age. There is probably no way to convince him until there is a crisis, sadly. The problem is that during a crisis, the choice will be made under duress and cannot be as well thought out. My dad was a hermit who did not want to live with "old people" but he is doing pretty well at an assisted living facility.
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Have you sat down and had a serious discussion with your dad about this? Getting it all out on the table about how you can't help them out more than you already are? I'm not talking about a casual remark here and there but a formal sit-down where you lay it out for him.

It sounds like your dad is as adamant about expecting your help as you are adamant that you can't help more. An impasse in other words. Your dad will continue on, angry that you aren't helping out more and you will continue on resentful of his expectations. Regardless of who's right and who's wrong this is where you and your parents stand.

Is your dad able to convince you to spend more time helping out with your mom? Probably no more than you are able to convince your parents to move to an assisted living facility.

I think you have to let your dad no in no uncertain terms that this is it. This is as much as you can help (however much "this" is). Don't cloud your statements with a list of things you have to do as a single parent with a full-time job. The issue is that you are unable to help him anymore than you have. If he would like to hire in-home care offer to help him do that but make yourself clear to him so there are no misunderstandings and no more expectations on his part. You cannot and will not be his primary go-to person when it comes to helping out with your mom. But once you tell him this you have to stick to it. That's the difficult part.

Focus less on trying to change his mind about assisted living and more on creating boundaries and taking care of your own life and raising your child. You don't have to abandon your parents but make it clear to your dad that you are not in a position to do more than you are already doing.
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Don't do more. Do less. Sadly, if the decision to move isn't made primarily by the patient, you'll just encounter pushback after pushback.

If you step back a lot...it will be harder for them and hopefully they'll see the light. Don't worry too much if he tries to guilt you--keep your boundaries and stay firm. You have a busy full life already, getting sucked into 24/7 caregiving is a slippery slope. Start out running some errands for them and the next thing you know you're living your life for them.

At 90, he will likely be one of, if not THE oldest person in the ALF. Especially as a man.
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He will only consider assisted living when it becomes too hard for him. If i were you - i would back off somewhat and keep the mantra "assisted living". Just because he is stubborn doesn't mean you have to take up more.
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