How can I convince my parents to get more help?

Martinna, I know your parents need help. Your Mother will only get worse. So something will have to give. Don't let it be you. At some point either your Mom or Dad will no longer be able to go on as they are now. Don't move in with them because you have a family. They are being unreasonable. Many people on this site have posted with situations exactly like yours. Eventually, the parents have to accept help. What your father is wanting is selfish on his part. At some time, everyone will need some assistance if we live long enough.

Also, you have a brother. What is his part in this and why must it be you to make sacrifices. In many families the women take on way more than the men. That needs to change. A mediation between you, your brother and parents is needed. Your father is very old and may be speaking out of fear. But I feel parents can become childlike in the their old age and sometimes you need to be the parent. Be kind but firm and tell him what you will and will not do. He will, at some point, have to give in. He just won't be able to keep going. Right now he is trying to manipulate you, don't let him. It would not be good for you or probably your parents either. Good Luck to you.

Thank you so much for your response. I have heard similar comments from a friend. My brother lives five hours away and has dropped everything many times to go and help them. He has become very stressed and angry too. He wants me to go there and live because he is tired of driving to see them all the time. His girlfriend broke up with him because he was always leaving to go see our parents. I guess in time they will become more willing especially when my dad can't drive anymore. I want them to be happy but not at the expense of my relationship and my brothers. Its hard to hold my ground but I know how unhealthy it would be for me to move with them. I have a husband and job and dogs and cats that are like my kids. I guess things will unfold gradually. thank you, Martinaa

Your poor brother, good riddance to the girl friend. Is this really what your parents want? Has your Dad always been demanding? I have found that parents and siblings never really change. It is just childhood all over again

In my family I live 10 hours away and brother lives 6 miles. He is a nice enough guy but always the favorite. So when Mom made her POA she left me off as an alternate. I am concerned because if I need to do anything for my brother or if he dies, she has no one else. She too is difficult, but in a different way. All our lives she wouldn't help pay for anything, weddings, college, car, nothing, we were on our own. Every penny had to be saved to pay for "her" nursing home care and my father as well. He died before he could use any of the money. She lives like a mizer. No dinners out when I make that 10 hour drive, barely heats her house, minimal lawn care, no internet service to keep up with grandkids, has a cell phone only because my brother provides it, and now the house needs painting and she won't do that either. My brother is getting very angry about this. And by the way, she has close to a million dollars.

Here's the irony, she hates people and can't sleep outside her home. has given us orders that she does not want help to come into her house, she would rather go to a home. She used to talk about going to assisted living until she found out how much it cost.

Basically when the time comes my brother with take over and she will be livid. But we are both prepared for this. She is selfish and difficult. And in the end, she will not want to go into a nursing home either. It is all a ruse to just hoard her money and not accept responsibility for her two children. She hates that I educated my three girls (one Ivy League) and never really can say anything except "not everyone was meant to go to college", isn't that great......

So, I am making a list so I don't behave this way toward my girls when I get 81. Keep it in a nice safe place and pull it out and read it as I age (that is if I can still read...ha) Hang in there these things often work themselves out. Let us all know how it goes.

I guess I am not the only one from a dysfunctional family. I love all the comments because they remind me not to get into denial. Living in my dysfunctional family it was never "good enough" so why would I ever think that living with my parents now would be good enough; they would still not be happy no matter how much I do. All to often I start thinking that if I just move home and give up my life that everything would be alright. So this forum really helps me to be more realistic. Those old unhealthy messages are so strong. You know like, family comes first, take care of everyone else and then yourself, be the good girl, be superwoman. It is so ingrained in me I still have the guilt.
So, I am going to see them this week. How do I tell them I am not going to come live with them? How do I say it? I know its a crazy question but I want to say it as gently as I can. And yes, he is going to tell me I am being selfish. I guess there is no easy way? I am scared, still that little girl afraid of upsetting the parents. I am 60 but when I get there I will feel about 16( wish I looked 16) Thanks, everybody!

Martinna, please get some help with your self esteem. You can't fight this on your own. I know exactly where you are coming from. When my Dad was alive I would go home to visit my parents and promise myself he would not provoke me into a fight or argument. It never worked, he played the same old games and it was his intent to make me feel bad. It wasn't until I realized the reaction to his comments comes from a place far deeper in myself than I could possibly control. It took some understanding and education on what some call Post Traumatic Stress Syndrom. You know it is there with war veterans, rape victims, etc. but what you don't realize it is there with verbal or emotional abuse victims as well. I am not saying you were emotionally abused, as I was, but you are reacting to what you know. You need to change your reactions and that is no easy thing. Knowledge is
power. To understand them and how to react differently.

No I would not move in with them. You will become 16 again, believe me. And just say "No". What can he do? Disown you? Not a chance. Be strong and good luck

Hi, I can't afford therapy, though I would love to go but I go to Al-anon which is a twelve step group for friends and family of alcoholics or addicts. I think I would be in the "crazy house" if not for the support and education from this group. It has helped so much in so many situations. We don't talk specifically about elderly parents but it still gives me guidance.

This will suns harsh, but hear me out.

Don't worry about telling them "gently." Just tell them. Tell them straight: "I am not moving in. My family at home comes first. I am sorry that you don't like this choice, but it is the choice I am making. I love you and want to help you find other options...and there are many. None include me giving up my life, and sacrificing my family, to move here."

When he gets mad, when he tells you the only other choice is that they live unsafely/miserably, etc. you tell them this, "I know you prefer to think that. But my moving to YOUR home is not good for me or my own family. You have other options, and here are three I can think of (offer whatever number seem like true options). I am making notes for my own old age so I will not forget that my children have the responsibility to raise their own families, and that their home is not my home. So I thank you, on behalf of my future self."

My dad always stops fighting me when I put it in terms of what he is teaching me not to do. Maybe yours will, too.

Finally, the best argument that helps...and is true...is this: "having one of the kids live with you (notice its "one of the kids" not "me") may seem like it will give you peace of mind and empowerment in the way you had when we were children, but you will still have all the problems that frighten you and enrage you now. So let's go after those problems directly, and not pretend we can turn back time."

If they spend the whole visit mad or trying to work you, tell them you will cut the visit short. Then do it. Do it for the grown up You, who needs to know she is a grown up, and for the Little You, the you get parts of yourself, who didn't stand up to Dad even when she knew she was right. Help her grow up and into the body and spirit of an adult woman, and this whole things gets easier.

The problem with being gentle...as you have always been, I'd bet...is that it keeps the door open to them to work you. So they will. Close it. Firmly and with love. And leave early if you need to. It will never happen again that you will need to leave early. Good luck!

Is one or both of your parents alcoholics? That puts a new light on your problems.

No not at all, just have some very close friends that are

I agree that you should stand your ground, you are entitled to have your own life and not feel guilty about it. Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better, and caregiving takes its toll, your mother may outlive your father. I would continue to look for resources, look at facilities and bide your time, the situation will have to change, whether your father wants or likes it, it is inevitable, your mom's Alzheimer's Disease will progress to a point where she won't be able to walk, toilet herself or even swallow, so look for resources and try to be prepared as best you can so you aren't looking for help in a crisis. Have you looked for a caregiver's support group? Good luck.