How to convince parent to move to assisted living?

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My mother has dementia & currently lives alone & has no interest in moving into an assisted living/memory care facility. She now requires more help than I can give her & I found a great facility but she has stated "you might as well write my obituary if you move me to one of those places".

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It is assumed you have all your mental faculties, and yet, you are allowing a mother with dementia to have a say in her care? Of course, no one WANTS to go to a facility, but when the mind can no longer care for one's body, then it is time to have others care for the whole body. Ask the doctor who has certified she has dementia to write an order saying she needs 24/7 care. If you have POA, go to the facility, sign her up for a room, and move her in. She will object of course, as anyone would, but then left alone, she will make friends and adjust. Her long term memory will kick in and soon she will like it at her new home. Good luck moving her!
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Mom announced her imminent demise when she could no longer drive. We agreed that time was short and helped her write her obituary. When she attempts to manipulate and play the death card, just agree with her. "Yes, Mom, time is short. Do you have any plans for the funeral?" Work it through, it will help both of you if you plan it together.
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My mom at 90 went into assisted living. I looked at facilities for a couple of years, alone and with her. She did not want to go either. Then when she visited she still said no, but when we got a deal too good to be true [price, location] I put a down payment and told her about it. I said - try it and if you don't like it you can come back to your home. She adjusted very well and has been there for 1 year now. She is so happy and busy I cannot get her on the phone most of the time. I feel she is safe, taken care of, and I am much less stressed. I also think her dementia got better, she is still confused with time, dates, names, but I think the socializtion and activities helped her brain functions. She has a purpose in life. When she was alone she drove [unsafe] spent lots of money out of boredom and did not eat well because she stopped liking cooking for herself. Plus my worry and concerns about safety. I think I did the best thing in my life for my mother!
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mthumser2000, I think your mom and my mom must be sisters! I am currently struggling with the same issue. Only my mother claims she will cry and cry and cry and then curl up and die if we move her out of her house. She too was diagnosed with mild dementia almost 3 years ago. Ferris1, it isn't that easy. Until the dementia gets so bad that a physician will sign off on the POA, we children are left between a rock and a hard place. We cannot just dump them off at a facility. We must have a signed POA to place them anywhere against their will. Until recently, I felt Mom would manage to pass any assessment and come away once again with the recommendation of in home help 2 or 3 times/week. I have an appointment for another assessment in October (family will be gathering for a wedding). We are hoping to walk away with an activated POA for healthcare.
So, I suggest to you mthumser2000 , find a place that gives thorough senior assessments and have your mother put through the examinations. I fibbed to Mom the first time and told her I was taking her for a physical. Well, it was a physical, with labs, but also many memory tests and cognitive tests. Good luck!
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Your mom sounds like she's past assisted living. I had to place my aunt then locked memory care because she struggled with wanting to go home. She was in psych eval because she threatened to kill herself every time someone wanted her to do something that she didn't want to do. She had alcohol dementia. The professionals quickly ascertained that her behavior was too self-protective to be a danger to herself and that her suicidal threats we're just that, threats.

I transported her myself to the locked facility, not telling her where we were going because it was upset her. The staff knew we were coming and we're prepared. When we drove up, my aunt said what's this. I told her I needed to drop by to see your friend. She said she'd wait in the car. I told her she couldn't because it was a dangerous neighborhood. She came in with me and the rest is history. She was angry for about a week, made some new friends, started having fun (she have been isolated like a hermit in her own home) and after about 2 months I was able to take her out to the park, lunches or dinner and a movie and return her back "home", what she always look forward to because they saved her dessert for her when I took her out. She was near death when I intervened and lived 6-1/2 yrs longer in health and safety until she suffered some strokes. It's a difficult decision to be responsible for taking away someone's freedom of choice, but when someone is no longer capable of making rational decisions, it has to be done. I had 6-1/2 extra years with her that wouldn't have happened without the intervention.
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Because my husband wouldn't agree to in home care, he ended up in a behavioral center, then a secure memory care facility/ALF, then the hospital, now a rehab/NH with hopes he can return to the secure memory care facility/ALF. He is incapable of logical reasoning. I had to make the choice before he hurt himself, me or someone else. Do you really want to find your Mom on the floor one day with a broken hip or worse? Tough love, yes, but it's what is best for her. I have heard this same thing so many times, and yes, there are those who just wither away and die because that is there choice. I have a friend going through that now. You have to be the strong one, the reasonable, logical one. Pray for guidance, talk to the social workers, call the Alzheimer's Association; get some guidance and help. It's out there, but you have to ask for it. Stay strong and do what is best for your Mom before it's too late. God bless you for caring enough about her to ask the question.
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I should have answered your question more directly: just as there is no point in arguing with or trying to reason with a dementia patient, it goes without saying that you also cannot "convince" them to do anything they don't want to do. When you make the decision that you must step in, you will find yourself practicing a tool I call therapeutic lying. There are other names for it such as compassionate fibbing but whatever you call it, its a switch from most peoples normal thinking of honesty being the best policy. No matter how you look at it, it unfortunately is not true for a dementia patient.
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To get my mom to take the test for dementia/Alzheimer's, I just told her that she has something wrong with her brain and it wasn't working right. I said I wanted to find out what the problem was so I could help her. She went grudgingly, but she went. With that assessment. It gave me the final, legal proof that no one would argue with me when I exercise my POA. Actually, having this assessment is good since it also protects the seniors from persons who have POA and might abuse it. So, having the legal document that states that the senior is compromised with dementia/Alzheimer's makes like much easier for you.
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I don't know what state you live in, but if you mom has dementia and lives alone, and is not able to adequately take care of herself, the state will determine she can't care for herself and not allow her to remain in her home. I don't know what process they use to remove the senior from their own home, but they get it done somehow.
If your mom has the attitude that she'll die if she goes to one of those places, she just may do that. Many seniors, when placed in NHs, assisted living, etc just give up and die. However, if she discovers that it's a really nice place, with social interaction, activities, lots of nice people to care for her, she might change her mind. Just a few thoughts.
What stage of dementia is she in? It sounds like she's still very verbal and can express herself. Can she care for herself totally, or does she need help with cooking, dressing, etc?
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We went through the same thing with an aunt. She finally wound up in the hospital (via a welfare check) and the doctor's activIated her healthcare POA and she had to go. She loves it but would never tell family that. Now we have an ex-stepdaughter who has crawled out of the woodwork (thinks there is money to be had) and is causing all sorts of trouble. We're going through guardianship now. I would suggest you contact your local social services department for help. You're also going to have to get tough and perhaps withhold care so she will need a welfare check. None of this is going to be easy so brace yourself. The bottom line is that your mother needs a safe place to live so keep that in mind at all times.
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