What is the best way to convince other siblings to help with caregiving?

It is hard. I have been taking care of mom for 6 years. Currently, I am spoon feeding her as I write. I lost my father and two brothers. I have two living sisters. One helps me a lot. She comes by twice a week to tend to mom. The other sister never visits, calls or helps. I gave up asking her for help because she insults me and mocks my Christian faith. She is currently on a two week vacation enjoying herself, but yet, once a year when I requests for her to watch mom so I can take a week off, the answer is no. It is so sad. In the mean time, since mom is bed bound, I take selfies of mom and I, I play spa stress-free music when I am bathing her, changing, cleaning, feeding, combing her hair, manicuring her nails, facials, chin tweezing, reading the Bible, dancing for her, kissing her, making her smile, feeding her M&M's and chips, grooming and much more. When all is done and mom is a sleep, I stare at her quietly picturing me at her age. We are all heading that way. The best thing to do is to be a good example to our children so one day, if they have to, can take care of us, hopefully. God bless all caregivers.

I am so lucky. My mother lived independently for many years, including someone to clean, shop, do laundry, meals, and my brother and his family lived in the same city. They took care of appointments, church, etc. Mom & Dad had babysat for them, and their kids, now adults, enjoyed being with Mum and took her places. Yes, I visited, sometimes did a doctor's appointment, stayed after surgery. I felt unable to help with paying for assisted living when asked, so they moved her in with them. Their city had senior daycare, which was used.

When our only remaining aunt could no longer live at home and had a sudden health crisis, we traveled to help her make decisions. The result was moving her in with us, 150 miles away. It simply made sense, since one brother had Mom, and the other one lived across the country and had his own serious health issues. She'd had no children or other relatives.

She has some savings, so there was disagreement initially, but we communicated. Yes, I had some resentment and hurt, but it is gone.

Her savings now pay for weekly respite care. There is no senior daycare, as we are very rural. My brother helps with some decision making, and I try to keep him informed. Mom died, but I understand the difficulty of their present situation. They visit a few times a year, and we stay in their home on our visits. If and when my aunt needs more care, the VA can help after savings are used.

Yes, we immediately went to a senior lawyer who knew our state laws. Best advice ever.

I am sorry for the families who do not talk, or help. Hugs to you.

I feel so guilty sometimes about my lack of patience with my mother. She's been with me for almost a year and she came to be hear out of the blue. She was living with my sister and her daughter. When she got to the point that she pretty much had to have some with her 24/7 they booted her out. My mother was in a nursing home and my sister told me one day, "oh, by the way Mama is coming home with you". I said OH and she said we would talk about it tonight. It boiled down to her daughter who is in her late 30's didn't want to deal with sitters in the house. She didn't want them stealing stuff and listening to her conversations. I have really been blessed with the sitters I've had with Mama. it just boiled down to the fact that my sister and niece didn't want the responsibility of taking care of Mama. I had 2 weeks to get things lined up before she left the nursing home and my sister didn't help at all. She said she would come over and stay with Mama sometimes to give me a break. That's been a joke. I love my mother, but it has really stressed me out. I can't visit my children and grandchildren very often. Mama has to have assistance going to the potty and she's pretty much bed ridden, but a lot of that is her choice. She won't push herself. I think she would rather be with my sister because she had lived with her for a long time, but it's out of my control. I feel so much resentment towards my sister, for reorganizing my life with out even consulting me and then just dumping on me and Mama. That makes me feel bad because I know it's not the Christian way, but it's hard. I keep think that someday I may be in Mama's shoes. I don't want her in a nursing home, but I'm afraid it's coming. I feel this situation really depressing me and then I won't be any good to anyone. I pray for all of us caregivers and the ones that are shirking their responsibilities. In the long run, I can't help but believe it's going to weigh on their conscience.

I understand your frustration. I know at one point when I was caring for my mother with dementia at home all I heard from my siblings was their life was more important than mine.. And all they were saying was,, I have this to do on this day, ect.. I gave them all names,, one brother I called Houdini,, he would never respond and then email my other brother asking how it worked out. One brother I call the suggestor,, he would make suggestions not involving him what so ever.. One brother I call the maniac,, he would lash out at everyone about how much he did in the past.. My sister was fine and helped with all the medical because she is a nurse,, but she could not live with my mother. So there you have it. I gave them all names and it fit them so well.. :) Pretty soon it took more energy to deal with than I had.. Best of luck to you. I hope you get the rest you deserve..

Back on the subject... I, too, cringe when it is said that siblings are not helping because they're not cut out to be caregivers. Uhm... Hello?!? But I was definitely not cut out to be a caregiver, either. I never wanted to have children when I was age 19, after I spent years babysitting all my older siblings children. I refused to change pampers on those kids. If their parents don't change their pampers before they were dropped off (I said no, mom says yes to babysitting), I don't change it. They end up very smelly when their parents come to pick them up - after their bowling league. When those kids got hurt, I panicked. My mind either runs in circle and I can't think, or I shut down and freeze.

I thought it was Karma biting me in my behind because I had decided that I didn't want children -succeeded in that - and then end up being both bedridden parents' main caregiver. (You should have seen me trying to change bedridden mom's pamper. I tried to lift her legs up - like one does with a toddler. I'll have you know - that doesn't work at all for an adult.) It took me years to be a 'seasoned' caregiver by watching and asking questions from the gov't caregivers who came to sponge bath mom. Despite years of experience, I'm still not cut out to being a caregiver - despite what everyone says. I just deal with what is - and do a good job or get in trouble for being 'negligent.'

Here are some articles from this site on Power of Attorney. You may also want to Google and see if you can find more info on the web.

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/what-is-durable-power-of-attorney-140233.htm

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/difference-between-POA-durable-power-of-attorney-living-will-140435.htm

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/financial-power-of-attorney-manage-senior-expenses-155469.htm

Debbiek,

It sounds like your checks went to the Nursing home. Which is right - since you were living there - even if it was against your will. The only recourse I can see is to write off your son who had POA and just never ever trust him again. It's always good to know your enemies. Now you know. Don't ever trust him. You now know whom you can trust - your oldest son.

Have you formally rejected the POA over your son who put you in the Nursing home? If you haven't, I'd recommend you do that immediately. The next time you decide to do POA, Please see an Elder Law Attorney. There are Different Kinds of POA. I'd recommend you research this thoroughly. I would go for the Springing POA. The designated POA can only step in when you have been diagnosed as incompetent to take care of yourself or been diagnosed as mentally incompetent. This way, the POA cannot do what your son did - put you in a nursing home with you having no say. As long as your competent, the springing POA is not activated.

Remember, as long as You're Competent (have your doctor certify this), You Can Change the POA to anyone you want.

ANYONE KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE LEGAL RIGHTS OF SOMEONE THAT HAS POA OVER YOU HAS? ARE THERE ANY FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITIES INVOLVED IN A POA? PLEASE GIVE ME ADVICE WHAT TO DO ABOUT MY SITUATION THAK YOU AND GOD BLESS.

YES HONEY I AM THE ELDER IN THIS CASE AND IT IS HARD WHEN THE OTHER SIBLINGS DONT DO THIER PART IN HELPING TAKE CARE OF US. IM SORRY YOU ARE GOING THROUGH THIS. IT WILL BE OK JUST PRAY EVERY DAY AND STAY POSITIVE. I JUST GOT OUT OF A NURSING HOME WHERE THE SON I GAVE POA TO DUMPED ME THIER AND LEFT ME TO ROT. IM OUT NOW THANK GOD FOR MY OLDEST SON HE CAME GOT ME OUT AND TOOK ME TO LIVE WITH HIM. BUT IM GETTING MY OWN PLACE NEXT MONTH . THANK GOD I DONT HAVE TO ANSWER TO NOONE ANYMORE. ILL FINALLY BE HAPPY AND AT PEACE AGAIN. IM ONLY 57 YRS YOUNG. I DIDNT DESREVERE THAT TO HAPPEN AND HE NEVER CAME TO SEE ME OR BRING ME ANY CLOTHES OR NOTHING WITH MY CHECK. IT TOOK THE NURSING HOME FOREVER TO FINALLY GIVE THEM MY CHECKS AND THERE I WAS ALL ALONE. ANY WAYS HOPE GOES WELL FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.

Wow! Hate to burst your bubble but there is no way to convince. Like others here, I have tried. I too only get yelled at for telling them the truth. Mom has never stood up for herself or for what she wants.So I have to be "her voice ", unfair position to be in and to top it off all she says of my unfair treatment by them is "oh well "!!!!! It is a very vicious ride, this caregiving rollercoaster. My siblings truly do not want any of the dirty work and much less want to hear about it! They think that seeing her for a few hours a year is more than enough. Because they are so busy with work! And here I gave up paid "work " to do this supposed easy caregiving that many others think is not "work". You can try but do not be surprised if it doesn't work!

you might save your breathe-you can ask for help-start small like can you prepare a meal or give a gift certificate for a restaurant or stay with the elder for a few hours or take him or her to a doc appointment or such but be prepared for the answer to be no-you will be surprised how busy they become of course saying I would love to help but----.

Whether "cut out to be a caregiver" or not (a phrase I detest) we are STILL human. Just becausr we get frustrated & angry does NOT mean we aren't cut out for the job. It means we are still human beings with feelings. My problem is with cousins who will not make certain decisions re: finance, doctors...for their parents...things it is not my place to take care of. I tell the cousins their parents need a geriatric doctor, or doc's office has not contacted pharmacy to renew a prescription, or their dad is no longer able to make rational decisions over finances or balance the checkbook and on & on. The standard reply is "I will look into it" or "I will take care of it." They never do anything.

I don't think there is a good way to convince them to help. You can't change people. They have to want to change. The best way to care for your MIL is to either do it yourself and with your husband, hire a lot to be done, or put her in a NH or Assisted Living. Forget the other people and forgive them. Some people are just not cut out for taking care of the elderly, parents or not.

Littletonway, you gave your mother a great gift, and I'm glad you stood up for yourself in insisting on a modicum of support. With regard to your family's attitude, I'm very sorry they failed both you and your mother. Perhaps one day, in their own later years, they'll understand what their abandonment meant.

I had to let it go for my own health and fortunately we were able to provide the in home assistance for Mom that allowed me to have a life. We had help 5 hrs for 2 days a week and a 3 day weekend every other month.

Family thought I was selfish wanting time for myself, I was in my home and should be happy there 24/7! They were too busy with their own lives to show up to visit unless there was a meal involved. She was loved and well cared and that is all that matters.

Hmm, so some people just cannot be expected to give anything to a needy parent because "they are not cut out to be a caregiver?" I've heard this one before; unfortunately, I think it's an easy way out for the selfish. No, you cannot change others, but you can let them know you understand their selfishness and you don't appreciate it. My father fed my brother, clothed him, housed him, educated him -- and took out loans to do so -- guided him, celebrated his successes, grieved over his setbacks. He was a loving and involved parent. He deserves more than one visit per year from a son who lives 15 minutes away.

My father felt very angry over my brother's abandonment prior to my father's losing capacity. If he changed his will, I hope my brother will manifest the peace of mind you espouse, and just "let it go!"

Sorry you all are going through this; however, you must understand not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver. For whatever reason, physical, emotional, fear, past family issues, etc. they just can't do it! Better they recognize this and you just let it go; rather than allowing hurt feelings to prey on your heart and mind.

You cannot change anyone in this old world but yourself.

Ugh. I'm so sorry. I see this is my own family with my grandmother. I used to live right around the corner from her and did a lot for her. But then I got married and moved about an hour away. Not far in time but not close enough to check on her daily. I thought my uncles would step in and help her. They do but do have their own families and many times her requests go unanswered. Then you have some of her kids who just never check on her. Then you have others who have no patience and don't want to visit her because they get frustrated.

You will just need to put it out there and be frank. No sugar coating anything. Keep a log/journal so they can see what a typical day looks like. Start small - maybe just long enough for you to see a movie or go have a coffee with friends. Then try a half day. Then try a full day. Then a full day with an evening included. I wouldn't push overnight right away - that will scare people off. Even though they shouldn't be. But it happens.

Be sure you see a therapist. xo

Thanks for your responses. My sister doesn't live long distance, she lives 15 minutes from my mother. I feel the same as Ellen - abandoned and abused by my sister. She has more or less abandoned my mum too. She did the same to my father - who when he was in his last months of life, rang her one morning for some help (he was ill in bed) and the next day he told me he would never ask her for help again because she spent the whole time with him complaining about everything else she had to do at home (at the time she wasn't working, had just received a decent redundancy payment [a redundancy she welcomed, indeed even planned for] her husband wasn't working - she has two children to care for, but they were at school all day - all my dad wanted was half an hour of help and kind heartedness. My dad was not a needy person - and she abandoned him in my eyes. I agree, Ellen, that the family ties can never be repaired - unless there is recognition of wrong doing and a heart felt apology..... but that is 99.9% unlikely. I am lucky to have some very supportive friends and so hopefully will stay strong - thanks for your kind wishes. I hope you stay strong too Ellen and anyone else in similar circumstances. Just goes to show how much you learn about someone when the chips are down. Yes, I am getting to that stage too where I see my sister as damaged, crippled - maybe narcissisitic like your brother. I would not stay in contact with my sister at all if I had the choice but I am close to my niece and nephew (her children) and don't want to loose my contact with them. Take care.

I'm so sorry for what you're having to go through. I handle things on a basis of this is what I can do, if they can, fine, if they refuse, then here is what I can still do. I don't have time for resentment to fester. That is wholly my responsibility how to react. I spit it out with no filter (like I did) and I'm done with it until I need to vent again.

My brother was that way, but since he is wholly supported by my parents at this time, I believe that he is seeing the need for him to step in. He is plagued by fear of mortality, too, along with his asthma going haywire. I have severe health anxieties myself. This triggered me horribly hence my complete loss of appetite (and it could have been that I was being treated or Strep on top of the drive, the circumstances, roaches and the fleas). At this point I can only hope that I don't leave all of them feeling that I didn't do everything I could. I've had several crises that affected me horribly and this is how I react - no appetite and chest pains. Some of my marital problems they have no need to know - but I have had depersonalization episodes, hypothyroid, and labile hypertensive episodes and struggle with life at times - but not suicidal. I need my immediate family with me and having to go do this without them with me was truly traumatic. Living closer would be so much better.

WhystleStop, my brother is not long distance. He lives five miles away from my father, yet saw him only once last year and only once the year before. Totally different situation from what you describe. My brother doesn't help because he feels his life is more important than other people's lives. He hates even the idea of caregiving and is terrified by mortality in general. He's entirely narcissistic, which he admits openly, but that still leaves both my father and me deeply disappointed and abandoned. I'm sorry for your situation. It certainly sounds as though you are doing everything you can.

I can't impoverish my family to care for my parents. It is our goal to be able to move closer. It's not an ideal situation right now, but complaining and venting (and YES it should be done!) isn't going to actually solve the problem. If a person isn't doing all that they can, it's one thing. If someone CAN do more and IS NOT, then you have a different animal all together. I wouldn't lump all of us long distance sibs in the same basket.

My brother is there with her, 750 miles away. Last week he indicated he needed 'help.' My husband took a week off work to care for the two boys (losing pay that could help get us out of debt and be able to move down there) and get them to school and work, so I then rented a car and drove down there. I spent $400 on household items that disappeared over the years - bath towels, flatware, pots, even bought a microwave, helped gather bills and support network contacts - plus the gas, and we will have no Christmas this year. I'm fine with that, but I'm not okay that I had to give up my two jobs when I could have provided something down the road. Now I can't. As a long distance sib, I would be severely pissed to find that my brother thought I 'dropped it all' in his lap. I have a family here that needs me, I've lost 7 lbs in a week, cannot eat or sleep, but this is all I can do.

The worry consumes me. I am contributing, but I'm afraid that they will end up needing more than the combined efforts of BOTH of us.

JaneUK, I relate to you completely. My brother will not help with my father AT ALL. My father has dementia and resides in a memory care facility, but I do everything for him relating to medical needs, social needs, errands, prescriptions, outings, clothing, bills, insurance, taxes. It's more than a full-time job and my brother is absolutely AWOL. Yes, siblings like this are stealing our lives, our professions, our quality time with our own families, our peace of mind, our health. I will never feel the same way about my brother after seeing his behavior over the last four years. I see him as a crippled human being. But there's an immense anger mixed together with my pity for him. When a sibling treats you this way, he/she has abandoned you and your parent, stolen from you, abused you. I don't think the family ties can ever be repaired. Stay strong! I will be keeping you in my thoughts!

Wow, JaneUK. You really, really have a lot of anger over this! I hope venting here is helpful to you.

You and your sister each had and have choices about how to relate to your parent. She made one choice, you made another. Your anger over her choice is stealing your peace of mind and emotional stability. You can't do anything about your sister's decisions but you can do something about your anger. Keep venting here if it helps. Consider seeing a therapist if it continues to eat at you.

How do I feel about sibs who don't help? My three sisters and I all care for our mother in a nursing home. We advocate, visit daily, shop, etc. They pick up the slack when I have health issues, or, as I do now, a son in the hospital. I am grateful to them. I love them. My brothers? I understand how health issues interfere for two of them and I am happy when they can visit Mom. The remaining brother -- I really don't understand his neglect. I don't know the details of what is going on in his life. I get kind of miffed thinking about it, but I value serenity too much to get my undies in a bundle over it. (Do you know the serenity prayer?) I love my brothers.

It is not fair that you are the only one who made a decision to help. Life is not fair.

Sorry.

I am sorry, I hate to negative, but there is no way you can convince other siblings to help with your MIL. They will just watch the tremendous job you are doing and not do anything. i have the same situation in my own family with my MIL. Look after yourself, first and foremost, it is not right that your health should suffer because you care. All the best.

I am interested to know how people feel about their neglectful siblings, who, by not contributing to care of elderly parents are stealing your time, your life? A thief is a criminal. Am I just more angry than others? Or do others feel the same? I feel so strongly that it should be a crime, not necessarily imprisonable, but to give someone a criminal record for not doing their family duty - that's the only thing that will make these shirkers and scroungers - because they are shirking work and scrounging off of us (in terms of time, and money as well because caregiver has to often reduce their hours or give up work etc). I don't consider that I have a sister anymore because of the way she has behaved over my father's care - I refer to her as my birth sister (in the same way adopted children refer to their biological mother). I don't mind doing more than see does, though obviously I would prefer a reasonably even split of responsibilities, but what I despise her for is that when I ask for some help, she accuses me of dumping things on her! Can you believe that! I hardly recognise her as human - that is how angry I am. And that might sound harsh - but she clearly doesn't think my time or life is of any significance otherwise she would help. The way I feel is that my own sister is stitching me up! I resent the time she steals from me and she never even acknowledges what I do. Another question to you all, do any of these scrounging, immoral shirkers out there offer financial recompense to their siblings? For example, once a parent has died, does the shirking sibling come to his/her moral senses and offer with thanks a small percentage of their inheritance to the one who did most of the care? I bet I know the answer to that. I 'd rather my house was burglared by a stranger than my life stolen by my sister. The burglar goes to prison and the sister rakes in the inheritance and sits pretty - that's fraud.

Codger, I also should have mentioned that some siblings have no conscience at all. I've read over and over how these siblings will rob their parents blind. So, some have no conscience at all and only concerned for themselves. Others, do have a conscience but make all kinds of excuses why they can't help. And some of us who have a very overactive conscience - steps up to help the parent - and end up where we are now.

I was able to finally get help from 4 of my 7 siblings. This took years of venting to them about my life (how miserable it was) and how bad father was treating me (verbally/physically abusive),etc.. One brother only helps now because he found out that his younger brother was helping me (both have always been competitive when growing up.) So, I now pay my oldest sis to come help Mon-Fri to babysit parents while I work. Then, my older brother pays for a paid caregiver to come on Saturday (I work on Sat mornings every other Saturdays). My oldest bro now pays our $450-$600 monthly power bill - starting this year. It took YEARS to get where I am. I have never accused them of not helping. I just did a lot of venting of how miserable my life is. You see, I used to travel a lot. Then mom got bedridden and my traveling stopped. So, family knew how much I gave up to help at home. .. They are not helping for the parents but for me. I have always been neutral in the family dynamics. Everyone knows that.

Codger - regarding your question if our siblings who do not help with the caregiving if they feel guilt? Yes they feel bad but it's not their problem - it's mine. As long as the parents have me, they adjust that guilty conscience by saying that so-and-so is caring for mom/dad. If I need help, I can always ask them. Problem is - when i do ask - they don't respond. They already gave me $300 this year. Or, my kids can help you but I cannot even control them. They won't listen to me. (Well, then kick out those 3 grown up kids living in your home, with 2 with No Job At All and having their significant Other and children living with you - Kick them out! It's called Tough Love!) You know what, they have their Own family to care for, and struggles with Their Bills. I'm living with the parents - so I have no worries about paying for rent or mortgage. I don't have kids - so I really shouldn't be having a difficult time with the parents. Our siblings will come up with all kinds of excuses to rid of their guilty consciences. When the parents die, I really hope not to see anyone crying. If they do, I might lose my damn temper and tell them off in front of everyone that they have No Right to Mourn or Cry since they never cared to help me when the parents were Alive! Please don't let my siblings cry at either one of my parent's future funeral!!!!

Genealgal that is it is a nutshell they do not help because they do not want to be bothered all you can do is ask so later they can not come back and say you never said you need help. My mom was to blame-she died last month because she frelly aired her complaints about me and my sister -I do not know what relationship us sibs will have going forward-I will be closer to my sister-because we talked about our childhood a few years ago and understand how we were raised that made us how we became.