My MIL is being stubborn. My FIL needs care now. My FIL has been in and out of hospitals/rehabs/ PT facilities for 2 years now. My MIL is being very stubborn and insists they live at home because she ''can take care of him''. She has proven several times she cant. How do we make sure he gets the care he needs? They do not have they money for home care so they must sell the house etc to pay for it. My brother in law has remodeled his nice home to accommodate them but SHE refuses. It is putting him at risk. We don't want the state getting involved. an suggestions?

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I don't think your MIL is being stubborn--I think she's in denial and that's a lot harder to deal with.

Since you can't really force them to move you might have to just wait until your FIL needs medical intervention again and then go to work on her about moving again. "Mom, dad can't keep going through this. You do a great job taking care of him but he needs more than you are able to give." Then throw in a little guilt, "You don't want dad to have to keep going into the hospital, do you?" Acknowledge her feelings, "Mom, I know you don't want to move and I don't blame you. I understand that you don't want to leave your home but....." Reassure her that you and your husband will be there to take care of everything (if in fact you will be) and she won't have to lift a finger.

If none of this works bring out the big guns and focus on your FIL's health and the fact that he's not getting the care he needs. Continue to reassure your MIL that you know she's doing the best she can but that he needs more care than one person (your MIL) can provide. When he's in the hospital and/or rehab he has a whole team of people caring for him and that's why he gets well enough to come home. Once he's home, without all the medical support, he declines again. Tell your MIL that this cycle has to stop before your FIL becomes unable to bounce back.

If, after all of this, your MIL still won't budge call the state yourself and have them come out to do an assessment. A third party who isn't family might be able to get through to your MIL.
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Red, your Mom-in-law isn't really being stubborn, she is only going by what she knows, what her siblings did, what her parents/aunts/uncles and grand-parents did.... they all stayed at home. Just let her be. Some day they both will get a wake-up call it is time to downsize and move.

I am dealing with that with my parents who are in their 90's, a team of horses can't get them out of their single family home. So, now I have become the "bystander" refusing to keep enabling them to live there any longer. Don't get me wrong, I get their groceries and take them to doctor appointments.

If Dad hints for me to help him with the yard work, which he just can't do anymore without falling face first into the dirt, I now give him the name of the guy who does my landscaping, because I am now too old to even tackle my whole yard.

I remember back when my Dad had a heart attack, Mom refused to have him live at a rehab center, she said she can give him all the help he needs. HELLO, she was 90 at the time. You can probably relate how well that went :P
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You are LITERALLY pulling the rug out from under their feet. I don't know how old they are and how long they've lived in their home, but it is their HOME!!

You have to be very gentle, very persuasive, very understanding, very loving, very compassionate.

Maybe she doesn't want to be separated from her husband, and maybe she doesn't want to move in with her son. You have to make it seem as though it's their decision.

Apply for Medicaid, if they are impoverished.
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