How to convince my husband that his Dad needs to go to Assisted Living?

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My 93 year old father-in-law (FIL) lives with us, as he fell on Christmas Eve and my husband had to leave the family on Christmas Day, 7 months ago now, to get him from the hospital. My FIL does not remember the fall and subsequent hospitalization and time in AL respite care while he recovered. No other family members will help. I cared for my MIL 2 years ago for several months before she passed away because my BIL and his wife would do nothing to help her, though they were freeloading in my in-law's house.

My problem now is that I need to have surgery on my foot and will be laid up for at least a month and my FIL is becoming more of a problem. He will not change his Depends more than once a day and yesterday there was a horrendous mess and stench in the guest room where he is staying because of a bad leakage. I spent a lot of time cleaning it up. He also does things like going through my kitchen drawers to find something to use as a tool, though I have asked him not to do this. I cannot get my husband to understand that I cannot care for his father, feel like my life now revolves around my FIL as I have to watch him and care for him while my husband is at work. I role my husband that there is no way I can care for my FIL while recovering from surgery. I'm not sure I can take care of myself even, as my doctor has said I will be in a cast and in a lot of pain. My daughter is getting married in a few months and I am helping to plan the wedding as well.

When my FIL was in AL he would not cooperate with the staff, refused to bathe for weeks, complained constantly and kept asking to get out of there. I feel burned out and depressed. My husband wants my FIL to continue living with us and I want him to go to AL. My husband will not force My FIL, though he definitely has cognitive decline and memory loss. I am feeling desperate. How do I convince my husband that I really need to have someone else care for my FIL so I can have my life back and recover form surgery? I get angry at him because he doesn't seem to care what it does to me. He only seem to care about his father, though I wind up doing most of the work. Please help.

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Bess, please find yourself a therapist. You need help in standing up for yourself and practise in saying no to your family, who seem to think that you're a doormat. I would give husband exactly one chance to make this right. Are you waiting for FIL to burn down your home?
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Mom can live at high altitudes with the help of portable oxygen. That is a cop out for that sibling taking her.
My concern is your husband's lack of consideration for your feelings. Has he always been this way? As long as he isn't inconvenienced, things are great for him. When he gets hit with the full time care, it would be different. Can he take FMLA when you have your foot operated on? Just for a few weeks until you get better. That will be a healthy dose of reality for him. He will see just how much care his dad requires. Put your foot down NOW. If you don't, this situation will only get worse, not better.
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You are all right. I need to stand up for myself a bit better. I had not considered that she might sneak in smoking despite the rules. And thank you Freqflyer, I had not considered Medicaid either. Maybe I can find my mother a place in Texas to live with the help of Medicaid. That might also help keep from bankrupting us so we can retire someday as well. I will start looking into AL places for my FIL and talk to my husband about moving him there. Thank you all so much for your support.
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I think that freqflyer is right about your mom and her smoking. Smokers often don't follow the house rules. We invited my MIL to visit for a few days when our first child (her first grandchild) was born under the stipulation that she only smoke outside, not in the house with the newborn baby. This was in July so weather was not a factor. The first morning she got up and went into the bathroom. Moments later I could smell the smoke and see it curling under the door. It was the last time we invited her for an overnight stay. I feel that she chose cigarettes over the health of her grandchild. Secondhand smoke is bad for everyone and especially bad for your daughters with asthma. Why would you jeopardize the health of your daughters in favor of your mother's choices? Start looking for some kind of subsidized senior housing for your mother.
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You are not going to be able and should not even be asked to try to recover from surgery and take care of FIL at the same time. He sounds like he is total care - probably at a skilled nursing rather than assisted living level. One person really can't do that 24-7 even in the best of health. Hubby's denial, which is facilitated by having someone else do all or nearly all the work, needs to come to a screeching halt. He gets home came arranged or you lack your things and kiss him goodbye until the necessary change is made. Consider a marriage counseling session or two; possibly a third party could give it your husband straight and then help him with his grief and distress.
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BES997, oh my gosh, because you were able to purchase a home that has more than enough bedrooms you are then chosen to become the Caregiver.... that isn't fair at all. What if you and hubby decide to downsize once your daughter leaves home?

Sad that your mother refuses to quit smoking.... I hate to be this blunt, I apologize if it comes across that way and to all the smokers out there, this is reality if your Mom does move in with you the smoke smell will still be in your home even if Mom smokes outside as it will follow your Mom back into the house.... on her clothes.... in her hair.... from her lungs when she exhales.... and out her pores.... all her closets will smell like smoke... the sheets and bedspread will smell like smoke.... inside of all the dresser drawers.... and inside your car.

And some day your Mom will no longer be able to go outside to smoke and she will ask to smoke in her room, and every time she opens the bedroom door that smell will go out into the hallway and into the air intake vents, thus everyone who walks through your door will notice there is a smoker in the house.

My significant other's late wife passed at 53 from COPD, and everything in his home smelled like smoke. It is so sad as smoking is a "choice".

Your Mom might have to decide to enroll in Medicaid to find an alternate place to live. I am not sure what the rules would be regarding smoking in independent/assistant living. They probably are all "smoke free".
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@ freqflyer:

My brothers live with their wives and children in small apartments in Los Angeles, as they can not afford any more, so there is no room for my mother there, and my sister lives in Denver, which is at a high altitude and she does not think that my mother could live there with her respiratory problems. My mother is a smoker and we suspect that she has COPD and/or emphysema due to her smoking. That is why my siblings have told me that we have to take care of her, as we have a larger house with a guest room. I wish I could find an alternative, but I haven't yet. My mother does not have any money for assisted living. She lives on her Social Security income and just barely makes it as it is. I don't want her smoking in our house as I have two daughters with asthma, and the youngest is still living with us. Also, my husband and I do not like cigarette smoke. We know it is bad for our health as well as hers, but she will not quit. If something happens to her so that she can not live on her own, I am hoping I can make the case that my FIL has to go to AL to make room for my mother. I hope I can convince her to smoke on the patio and not in the house.

I really do not look forward to the next few years taking care of elderly parents. It really seems like they get all the advantages and I just get all the work. I wind up feeling very resentful that they did not plan their retirement better.
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Your situation is very similar to my mom. Fortunate for her, her FIL (my grandpa) lives in his own apartment with my dad and she can stay in her house for most of the time. When my mom feels burnt out, she sometimes goes to live with her sister in a different city for a while. If you have siblings, you certainly can run away for a few days. Hiring a nanny to help doing the cleaning will help a lot.
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BES997, why did your brothers and sister appoint you to be the future Caregiver of your mother? Good heavens, how I hate it when other family members assume since you are caring for your father-in-law, that you could also be Mom's caregiver. You are right, you won't have anything left to give to your Mom. Other arrangements will need to be made when the time comes.
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Thank you all for the responses. You have given me some courage to stand up for myself and do what I need to do to keep from going insane or collapsing from exhaustion. I thought that maybe I was in the wrong, and should just buck up. I was really concerned that, as my FIL god downhill, I was going to go under. I know that I still have to take care of my own mother one of these days, as she is 81 and a heavy smoker. My brothers and sister have already told me that I am going to have to take dare of her and I was worried that I might not have anything left for her. Thank you for all the support. I really needed it.
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