I'm one of two caregivers for my grandma who's 81yo.(My mom is the other. Im 43, moms 62) My grandma has mobility issues.osteoarthrotis and hip problems. she wont even let us TRY to help her in and out of the shower. Shes been doing 'washups' for more than a year.In the last few months I sense that shes given up on even washing up.She also has instances where she loses control of her bladder -and a couple of times, her bowels because she will hold it in so long.(she refuses to swallow her pride and say she needs help getting out of her chair.and when she finally heads to the bathroom- its too late) my grandma lies and says she took a shower when we were gone.there are no dirty towels or wet rags, plus we know she cant get in/out of shower without help.I dont know if shes flat out lying, embarrassed, or if she believes that she showered. My grandma has mild dementia and mobility/ pain issues. she pretends shes doing fine when we know shes not.Shes also pretended that she needs help when shes just trying to manipulate us into spending several days at her house.(my mom and I take turns spending 2-3 days with my grandma on the occasions when shes depressed or in too much pain to care for herself.but on the occasions when shes able to move around and take care of herself we go home and spend time relaxing.but My gma makes us feel guilty for going home. she talks about how she might as well die.and she refuses to talk when we call her because we went home for the night.shes VERY mean and manipulative) I'm sorry I'm jumping around on topics.I'm just so sick if her making me feel like crap when I want to spend a couple of days at home with my own children and grandson. For now im asking How do I convince her to bathe and take better care of herself? Her house smells like urine.The time that I mopped and bleached her kitchen and bathroom she was embarrassed and cried all day.plus she took offense and said if I had a problem with her house I didnt have to come over.Her rugs and the chair she sits in smell like urine and I'm concerned that someone from senior services will say she's being neglected .I've mentioned before that this was a concern, but she gets depressed, cries and becomes hateful... and still no shower.(she had someone from HHC that came over every other day for 'bathday' but my grandma lied and said she'd let me or mom wash her.she tells ppl what they want to hear and sends all professionals away.We're stuck being caregivers whether we want to or not.Shes refusing dr appts that will get her the pain meds she needs so she can move around unassisted.I seriously feel like she's doing this on purpose because we're forced to be here caring for her as long as shes in pain.To her, as long as she is in pain, we have to be here... and she doesn't want to live alone anymore. but we have lives to live also.I feel so guilty.but mom and I are missing out on so much by catering to my grandma.(and dont even mention assisted living or continued care facility because she will curse you out for mentioning it)
Ahe sounds as though she is long past the stage of being able to manage at home with occasional help. I wiuld call the local area agency on aging and tell them that she won't let you care properly for her. I would also write hwr doctor a letter, sent with a return receipt, outlining your concerns about her care, hygeine and safety. He can't five YOU information, but you can certainly let HIM know what's going on.
There is a time where the elder no longer has a vote... they need to be somewhere that is elder proof, and which has 3 shifts of caregivers to help with whatever they need. I know it won't be easy, and grandma will probably dig in her heels big time. See if any of the assistant living facilities have a free luncheon where you could take her... who knows, she might ever find someone she knows that lives there :)
Why? Because you want to take care of her - she deserves being cared for just because she's human.
How? Get Adult Protective Services involved and get them to help you get guardianship through the courts. If a person is "in need" and family is not able to afford the court costs, APS can go for the guardianship and request that it be given to a qualified family member.
.
.
You are in a crazy tug of war here. You need to pick your battles. Your life has become all fight and no fun with grandmom. Pull back, try to get some laughter and enjoyment back into the situation. Clean that house whether she likes it or not, then plop a big kiss on her and tell her she is welcome.
You're not alone. Stop the guilt and worry. it never helps, and just wears you down. I am heading back to the shrink, because their is a situation I can't handle. He will tell me what to do. It is a great relief. Good luck, honor your grandmom's autonomy, and maybe she will come around. You can't place her in assisted living without her permission, and you can't let this situation continue.
See All Answers