Any suggestions on how to convince my mother with dementia to get hospitalized willingly?

Wanted to give a brief update. Dad got out of hospital last Thursday and is doing great. He is mentally stronger than he has been in six months. Mother on the other hand about the same. The psychiatrist called house phone to schedule tests, Mother answered and told them to never call her again. A few days later I unknowingly called them to follow up on scheduling testing and was told Dr would no longer see Mother. A first they were being ugly to me but I was embarrassed and just apologized all over the place. At the end the nurse said she would discuss with the dr about taking Mother back on as a patient. I told them it wasn't necessary. The patches she subscribed have stopped Mother's OCD behavior and she is sleeping 8 hours a night with the aid of a sleeping pill. However her mood swings are out of control. When Dad was in hospital she threatened suicide (just to get attention or I would have called ambulance), she would cry nightly from 6-10 while screaming at me about how it was all my fault. Now that Dad is home she goes into a rage every afternoon. 9 times out of 10 it is directed at me. Sunday Dad started stepping in and began helping me to manage her. He is doing so well at ignoring her rage I am actually going out of town for a couple of days to get a well deserved break. Unfortunately when her regular dr called the new neurologist with referral for testing the next available appointment is Jan 31. Bottom line Dad and I are learning to cope and doing much better but Mom has to wait until Feb before she will feel better. My Dad said if she gets where we can't control her he will sign committal papers and/or call police.

Easier said than done I know but please try to get some sleep too

Thanks for the update.

My Dad had a nervous breakdown 10 years ago and the stress of the situation resulted in him having another. We just admitted in to the geratric phych ward to get him some help. Temporarily Mom's problems have taken a back seat to his
At least she is safe and now Dad is too. Getting him help and well is my main focus. Once this is done I will redirect my attention to her. This situation is so fluid and out of control I am doing all I can to keep my head above water. I truly appreciate all the help and kind words. It helps knowing I am not alone.

(I didn't realize there were 20+ Answers, I read only the 2 on this page before posting. Sorry for my oversight and hope you can resolve the situation soon, shipmane.)

Ship, we're all thinking about you. Hope things are okay.

From what you've described, shipmane, seems unlikely you'll convince your mom that it's in her best interest to go in for treatment. A benzodiazepine would make the transfer to a facility a little easier but seems unlikely you'll get her full cooperation. She doesn't understand she's ill, right? If it's beginning dementia/Alz, she can't help her behavior. Whatever it is, it's unlikely she can help the behavior on her own or understand she needs help. Making her transition as calm as possible and getting her in for treatment is probably the best you can do.

She won't take her meds but she has a patch. What are the medications she isn't taking and what does the patch deliver? The only thing I could think to suggest is to get her an Rx for a benzodiazepine, but maybe that's the meds she isn't taking...? A benzodiazepine would help to calm her fears and agitation and it works quickly.

Well, antidepressant meds take a couple of weeks to kick in. But there are lots of quick acting antianxiety and antipsychotic meds that take effect immediately.

We will be thinking of you over the weekend

Any new change in meds could take 2-3 weeks before you see an improvement in her mood - not sure what med is being delivered via a patch - to stall memory loss? I understand some of these can actually make folks more aggressive - unintended consequence

There is no guilt to be had. Guilt comes with doing nothing or purposely doing something bad and/or wrong. As jeannegibbs says - every decision you are making on behalf of your mother may not be perfect. Some decisions may not have the outcome you'd be hoping for. But you are doing the best you can. Dementia is a tricky, evil disease- it robs our loved ones of their minds and confuses those left to deal with them by leaving a familiar face and our own existing memories of who this stranger use to be - but is no more. Feel badly for your mother, for yourself and your family - but guilt, no. This is Not Your Fault.

Thank you everyone for your kind words. They are spot on. I have always craved her approval and unfortunately I will never receive it. The only positive thing about this situation is I raised my daughter completely different. She is a successful woman, wonderful husband and 2 babies. I just want to do the best for my mother so I don"t have to live with the guilt that I didn't do everything I could for her after she is gone.

Shipmane, I tell this to a lot of caregivers, and I think you particularly need to hear it:

This is Not Your Fault.

Your mother thinks everything is your fault. She is wrong. That has never been true and it is not true now.

The state of your mother's mental health is Not Your Fault. Even if not every decision you've made has been ideal, even if you've made mistakes in caring for her, even if you are imperfect like the rest of humanity, this situation is Not Your Fault. You are clearly attempting to do your very best, and seeking help from the professionals and from other caregivers who have been through this. Good for you! Be proud. This is Not Your Fault.

The hoped-for outcome of sending your mother to the hospital is that the optimal combination of drugs can be found to keep her calm without overly sedating her. Dementia is not curable, but many of the symptoms are treatable. Ideally there is a solution so that she can return home without being a threat to herself and the household.

Another possible outcome is that she will need to be placed in a care center of some kind. Even if she can return home now, long-term care is very likely in the picture eventually.

Whatever the outcome of the hospitalization, it is Not Your Fault.

Shipmane, i read some of your other posts, in which you characterize your mom as a narcissist. Everything i know about narcissistic moms tells me that their children generally live in fear of their disapproval. It sounds to me like that is going on in your head right now, i.e., " what will mom think/do/say if i have her committed?".

If your mother were a mentally robust person dealing with all her faculties, she'd thank her lucky stars she's got a daughter as smart, capable and resourceful as you are.

Just do the right thing. Get your mom the help she needs. Don't worry about the fallout.

And read some of the threads on here about narcissistic parents.

Thank you so much. I have felt so isolated lately and this place seems to help more than anything.

"Danger to herself and to us" is a key phrase.

I will call 911, explain situation and let me make the proper determination. I live in Alabama and don't know the laws here. I am so new to having a loved one with dementia I am completely in the dark. I am sure I will feel better after shrinks test are ran and we can finally sit down and talk about the game plan.

Ship, i feel for you. This is a terrible situation.

I don't know what jurisdiction you're in, but in NYC, this would be a 911 call " my elderly mother is mentally ill and in danger of injuring herself. Please send an ambulance".

She has been tested for UTI and both the shrink and her regular doctor know what is going on. In fact the shrink is the one who pushed through the commitment papers for me. Everyone agrees she needs to be in hospital. I just thought handling by having police pick her up would agitate her more, scare her to death and make it worse. So I shouldn't call police but EMT?

She won't eat, which is another reason we want her in the hospital. She won't eat, won't take meds, OCD behavior is out of control, sleeping 4 hours a night then disrupting entire house. This has been going on for over two months. I am exhausted, frustrated and at my wits end. It has come on so rapidly. I am still transitioning between thinking Mother understands what I am saying to realizing that there is no telling how much she is actually absorbing. This is an awful disease. I broke down and sobbed yesterday because I was so tired and frustrated. Rested today and let me brother take care of her. I will have a clearer head tomorrow.

If she's on any meds for agitation that she won't take, call the pharmacist to make sure they can be crushed. Put them in ice cream or pudding.

Just to back up, is her doctor aware of the fact that she becomes agitated at 4pm each day? It's called sundowning, and can often be managed with antianx6meds or antipsychotics. This didn't just start since starting on a new med, didit, as in, could it be a side effect.

I would not call police. I would call EMTs. Youre not having her arrested, you're having her taken to the ER.

Has she been tested for a UTI?

Over the weekend, if it happens again I am going to call the police and at least get a record of it. Hopefully, they can and will do something but if they don't on Monday I am going to sign the commitment papers. This will just be one more piece of evidence to support my reasoning.

The police said they cannot do anything without a court order.

When she goes into a rage, call 911. Have her transported to the ER so that they can get her into an inpatient psychiatric unit to adjust her meds.

She may remember, she may not. It doesn't matter. the important thing is to keep her safe.

shipmane, proceed with the commitment process. You cannot get a dementia patient to reason things out. Accept no blame, you are doing the right thing and the sooner she's in treatment, the better.

shipmane, if you are her target and everything is your fault, you can't win, can you? She is going to blame you for something no matter what you do, so you might as well do what is in her best interests and that of the household.

Keep in mind, she has so many symptoms it is disrupting entire house however her memory is perfectly clear. She will definetly hold a grudge against me even though it was entire family who made the decision. I am her target and everything is my fault.

My only concern is this will make the situation worse and in the end she will hate me for doing it.

I understand that you would like her to go willingly, but it doesn't sound like that is going to happen. Do what you have to do. It is in her best interest, as well as necessary for everyone else. Have the police pick her up.