Mom has refused to consider a nursing home. What can I do?

Yes, they all guilt us about nursing homes. Unfortunately, either there becomes no choice, or the children end up providing 24/7 care and they end up with health issues. Its a tough choice.

I know the stress, i had my mom with Alzheimer in our home over 8 years. The last 5 tears she didnt walk, talk, see and was incontinent. I fed her pureed food, sang to her, played music and got her to laugh. It was ROUGH,but she was a great Mom to me and she deserved it. Just lost her 2 months ago and I dont regret it at all. I was feeling at the very End if my rope and looking for a private room care place but it ended. So stressful yet no regrets. Hang in there, if she can go to the bathroom still you're golden so far, that wont last long.

stella, this sounds so challenging. Another pat on the back to you for working part time! Find the county/state council on aging online, look for information and refs for in-home health care provider company... maybe you have other ways to search. Start having someone come in if you possibly can. Recruit your brother to help with expenses.

Please, do get a counselor so you can get some support on self esteem, practice dialog, etc. I have the same built-in fear of my mother but you can move past that so it won't prevent you from doing what you need to along the way. Good luck.

kuntrymike, the guilt that your MIL guilted and still guilts your wife with is emotional blackmail which is a form of emotional child and adult abuse. Does your wife recognize this? She needs therapy to help her out of the emotional dance that her mom trained her for and has in her. I would not worry about MIL's transition as I would worry about your wife's well being. This has gotten to have taken a toll on ya'll as a couple which is sad.

Alzheimer's will reach a point where it is beyond what one person or several untrained, unprepared people can handle. Does she qualify for medicaid? Keep in mind how important it is for the caretaker to take care of themselves for around 40% die before the person they are taking care of does.

My in laws from days one have guilted my wife with "don't ever put me in a home' since she was a small girl. Her father passed and now her mom with Alzheimer's lives with us. The anxiety and tension in the house is strong, but manageable. It has been brought up that she should go somewhere. But the Alzheimer's and the costs make it very difficult. The only places she might even consider are private pay and way too expensive. So my wife works away from the home just to get time from her mom and has friends come in during the day to help babysit. It works out for now, but as her disease progresses my fear is that there will be no easy transition from the house to a nursing home, either for her or for us. I hope we can get her into an assisted place at least for a while so she can enjoy some independence.

I used. To be able to send a hug and a comment privately, but it seems I can't.

Yes, a part-time job doing something you really enjoy will help with the sanity. That is why I continue to work mornings, it's like a "vacation" going to work :) Or try volunteer work, just as rewarding.

I see from your profile that your Mom had moved in with you 20 years ago after your Dad passed. Oh my gosh, that's a long time. What happens is that the parent once again sees you as the "child" and not as an adult, thus the elder continues to parent the "child" even though we know what we are doing.... [sigh].

Could Mom afford Assisted Living? Some places are like hotels, and she would be around people from her own generation. And she could make some new best friends.

Some elders, depending on their age, stereotype nursing homes as mental wards as that is how it was back generations ago. No way are they going to go there.

I like the idea of going back to work part-time, maybe while you are at work your Mom will start moving around as you aren't there at her beckon call.