How do we convince my mother-in-law she needs to go to a nursing home?

Try not to be angry with your MIL. Even if she is laying it on with a trowel - keening and hand-wringing and woe-is-meing - about how miserable she is, that doesn't mean your husband has to take her complaints as any other than what they really and truly are: namely, her mourning the independent adult life she used to live. She has a right to mourn. It's just it can get on your nerves, as you know.

And get this into husband's head if nothing else, because it is really important for him to understand: even if you were to move your MIL in the guilt trips and the demands and the unhappiness would carry on. Because location is not the problem. Old age, frailty and loss are the problem. Nothing your poor husband can do can solve those.

What you can do for both of them is adopt a brisk, cheerful and practical approach, and remind them that the important thing is that 'Mother' is safe, warm and in capable hands.

What you don't need to say out loud, but do need to remember, is that when your husband says he feels terrible and he must look after his mother etc etc blah blah blah... What would almost certainly happen is that he feels terrible, he moves his mother into his house, and YOU must take care of her. Please do not fall for that one.

If you won't move in (and you won't) she'll hire someone else to do it. Great idea! Encourage her to do that. When she realizes how much that will cost her and that it will be having in-home help, maybe assisted living will be more attractive.

Talk to the discharge planner at the rehab (or in the hospital, if she will be discharged from there rather than going back to the rehab) and make it abundantly clear that you will NOT be providing live-in care. Be firm. Practice before the meeting. Don't let them guilt-trip you or bully you. You have a right to make decisions that are best for you as well as for your MIL. You are not moving into your MIL's house. Suggest the discharge planner work with MIL to try to make other arrangements for in-home care. You are not providing it beyond the help you already provide, and that is not around the clock presence. After the meeting, send an email putting it in writing. "Thanks for your help and understanding. As we discussed we are not able to move into mother's house as she would prefer. We agree that she needs ongoing supervision, and we understand she is competent to make her own decision at this time."

Moving in with mil or vice versa WILL NOT solve any problems. She will still fall, she will still not eat, she will still sit and not exercise. You guys will not be able to change any of that just because you live under the same roof. Besides not solving any problems, it will create a whole new list of them and your husband's relationship with his Mom will change completely. I speak from experience with my Aunt, who is living with me. I can't force her to do anything and she's in MY house. I suspect if I was in HER house it would be worse. You guys are in a hard place. Please recognize you are not doing her any favors by moving in.

Just stay firm in not moving in with her! It sounds like you understand that is NOT a good choice for you. She can live her life as she chooses, but she doesn't have the right to make your lives miserable. Would she consider assisted living instead of the nursing home? It sounds like she's somewhat mobile...those are more like nice hotels (depending on the places you have nearby).

If your MIL is competent then she can go home if they'll discharge her. She's allowed to make bad, unsafe decisions. Like so many other families you may have to wait for a crisis before you can change her situation.

I know he's worried sick about his mom but let your husband know that there's nothing he can do about the situation right now, he might as well give in and go onto the next phase of your MIL's life. From your description, he's going to need all the strength he can get in the coming weeks and months.

Ditto to what blannie is saying. Your hubby may start to waffle as moms condition deteriorates but insists staying in her home. Stay firm! Do not move in. In the past five plus years of looking after my parents I've made my share of mistakes. The one thing I am absolutely positive on - that I made 1000% the right choice - I never even considered letting my mother move in as she wanted. Your MIL may get crafty about it - apply the guilt - try every trick in the book - God knows mine did - hubby and you need to present a united front and just say "NO"!

My mother has lived with my wife and I for the past year. Our lives were miserable. This is the second time we tried to have her live with us. She has the money for a nice AL near us. I finally dug in and told her she would be far better in the AL than being here. I didn't give her a choice even though she knows she has rights and could force us to evict her. I had endure multiple verbal fights with her and hurtful unkind things directed at my wife but I never gave in. Friday she is moving to the AL and now believes we want the best for all of us and just trying to get rid of her. You have to stand your ground no matter how nasty things get. It will be the worst time of your life but you have to do this.

It's likely that if she moved in with you, you'd quickly find yourself doing the lion's share of work. My hubby, at one time, wanted his father to move in with us. We still had 2 teenage daughters at home. They love Grandpa, but said they'd leave if he came.
Years later my hubby understands how stressful and difficult that would have been. At the time he was all for me staying home and running my life around his father. As it ended, we got in home care for him (they were lousy, sadly) and I wound up going out to his place 2-3 times a day to care for him. It was a better choice than having him move in.
If your MIL can possibly afford some in home caregivers, try that route. Be aware that once she begins the constant falling---her options are going to be very limited. And the "compliance" when she's in the NH is totally normal. My mother will sing and dance for anybody who is coming to her house to give her therapy, then she sits down and doesn't move for days.
Your hubby's guilt is normal---but help him be strong.

I agree that a nice AL might work great for her. Take her out to see some of them, have their provided lunch and see if she takes to any of them.
She probably won't but there will come a time that you'll have to say you all can't help her any longer. Suggest kindly that she needs to choose an AL from the ones you have visited.
Please don't let her demolish your ordinary lives. She can live very nicely in an AL and have help from fall prevention to fun social activities. Talk it up to her...
Best of luck!

Would she be able to pay a person to live with her? That might be the best in this situation since she sounds mobile and mentally active. I have my MIL living with us for the past 16 years - she is now 93 and gets very confused. My husband and our whole family need breaks from the amount of care she currently requires and must make arrangements with another family member to take her for a few weeks, this helps, but once she returns the stress comes right back with her.
On another note my 90 yr old Mom had a stroke and HAD to go in a nursing home. I hate it! We had her near us for 7 months, my sister took her for 2 months and we finally found a nursing home we all agreed upon at a distance where we CAN'T feel guilty about not visiting every day. I wish you the best with your situation and can only say "pray about everything before making a decision".