How do we convince my mother-in-law she needs to go to a nursing home?

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Mil has fell 9 times in the past year this last time she broke her ankle, this is the same ankle she broke some years ago which is why she is immobile, she ended up at the nursing home for therapy for about 8 weeks and convinced the nursing home she was ready to go home, she wasn't, she was home 2 days and fell and sprained the same ankle again! She has been back at the nursing home for a couple weeks and is refusing to stay when therapy is over, we are all at a loss here and don't want her to go home it's too dangerous. She has been begging for my husband and I to move in with her but that is not possible it just won't work out, she is a very demanding woman and I know it will cause us problems, we are all so stressed over this and my husband is just sick about trying to get her to stay, any help?

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Moving in with mil or vice versa WILL NOT solve any problems. She will still fall, she will still not eat, she will still sit and not exercise. You guys will not be able to change any of that just because you live under the same roof. Besides not solving any problems, it will create a whole new list of them and your husband's relationship with his Mom will change completely. I speak from experience with my Aunt, who is living with me. I can't force her to do anything and she's in MY house. I suspect if I was in HER house it would be worse. You guys are in a hard place. Please recognize you are not doing her any favors by moving in.
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It's likely that if she moved in with you, you'd quickly find yourself doing the lion's share of work. My hubby, at one time, wanted his father to move in with us. We still had 2 teenage daughters at home. They love Grandpa, but said they'd leave if he came.
Years later my hubby understands how stressful and difficult that would have been. At the time he was all for me staying home and running my life around his father. As it ended, we got in home care for him (they were lousy, sadly) and I wound up going out to his place 2-3 times a day to care for him. It was a better choice than having him move in.
If your MIL can possibly afford some in home caregivers, try that route. Be aware that once she begins the constant falling---her options are going to be very limited. And the "compliance" when she's in the NH is totally normal. My mother will sing and dance for anybody who is coming to her house to give her therapy, then she sits down and doesn't move for days.
Your hubby's guilt is normal---but help him be strong.
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My mother has lived with my wife and I for the past year. Our lives were miserable. This is the second time we tried to have her live with us. She has the money for a nice AL near us. I finally dug in and told her she would be far better in the AL than being here. I didn't give her a choice even though she knows she has rights and could force us to evict her. I had endure multiple verbal fights with her and hurtful unkind things directed at my wife but I never gave in. Friday she is moving to the AL and now believes we want the best for all of us and just trying to get rid of her. You have to stand your ground no matter how nasty things get. It will be the worst time of your life but you have to do this.
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Would she be able to pay a person to live with her? That might be the best in this situation since she sounds mobile and mentally active. I have my MIL living with us for the past 16 years - she is now 93 and gets very confused. My husband and our whole family need breaks from the amount of care she currently requires and must make arrangements with another family member to take her for a few weeks, this helps, but once she returns the stress comes right back with her.
On another note my 90 yr old Mom had a stroke and HAD to go in a nursing home. I hate it! We had her near us for 7 months, my sister took her for 2 months and we finally found a nursing home we all agreed upon at a distance where we CAN'T feel guilty about not visiting every day. I wish you the best with your situation and can only say "pray about everything before making a decision".
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I was in the very same situation with my mother. As it turned out, I decided to move her in with me until she had any type of fall, etc. When she had her next injury/hospitalization I immediately explained to her that for her safety and my peace of mind we need to try an assist living facility. She lived quite comfortably, but I think what helped her most was that I was always there to visit her and talk to her on the phone with plans for taking her out for lunch, visits with the family, etc.
It is not easy for either side, but in time she adjusted and knew this was needed for her care. FYI - In the alternative, having the ability to have in-house care is ideal, but was not financially practical for our situation.
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I agree that a nice AL might work great for her. Take her out to see some of them, have their provided lunch and see if she takes to any of them.
She probably won't but there will come a time that you'll have to say you all can't help her any longer. Suggest kindly that she needs to choose an AL from the ones you have visited.
Please don't let her demolish your ordinary lives. She can live very nicely in an AL and have help from fall prevention to fun social activities. Talk it up to her...
Best of luck!
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Try not to be angry with your MIL. Even if she is laying it on with a trowel - keening and hand-wringing and woe-is-meing - about how miserable she is, that doesn't mean your husband has to take her complaints as any other than what they really and truly are: namely, her mourning the independent adult life she used to live. She has a right to mourn. It's just it can get on your nerves, as you know.

And get this into husband's head if nothing else, because it is really important for him to understand: even if you were to move your MIL in the guilt trips and the demands and the unhappiness would carry on. Because location is not the problem. Old age, frailty and loss are the problem. Nothing your poor husband can do can solve those.

What you can do for both of them is adopt a brisk, cheerful and practical approach, and remind them that the important thing is that 'Mother' is safe, warm and in capable hands.

What you don't need to say out loud, but do need to remember, is that when your husband says he feels terrible and he must look after his mother etc etc blah blah blah... What would almost certainly happen is that he feels terrible, he moves his mother into his house, and YOU must take care of her. Please do not fall for that one.
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I would not let her move in with me. Let her hire someone if she wishes to do so, if she needs help. I think that is a great solution. If she is competent, the NH has to discharge her. If she tells them she will hire an aide to assist her, and you & your family are helping her in the areas that you described, that is a safe plan. And one that I would prefer over being placed in a NH. I would suggest that your husband get counseling so his life isn't so stressful. I did this & it helped immeasurable. Good luck.
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Can someone move in with her? Or stay with her a few hours each day? A home health care aide or caretaker. Would have to pay for this service but it would be worth it..
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i've told him about it, and he knows he is not the only one to ever go through this but the guilt is really getting to him...tearing him apart actually...i feel bad for even saying this but i am almost angry with her for making him feel so guilty
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