My husband,,sister and myself are the only people helping to care for my 87 year old mother. I am living with her but I work a full time job Monday through Friday 9 to 5. Between my sister and my husband they take care of her while I am at work. I cannot leave her by herself because she will get into things and could bring danger to herself. One time I came home from work and decided to take a nap in my bedroom, since she was napping. I was awoken by a slamming door. It was our front door. She had gone out to get the mail. I ran down stairs to find that she did not have her oxygen on (must have it 24/7) only to find she was standing on the front porch steps saying the cat cat got out somehow. That was a fiasco. The cat was injured while he was out and required surgery which cost $700. We have 4 cats that stay indoors. She constantly takes her oxygen off and she's a danger in the kitchen. Once my husband came in when he had arrived late one morning and found that she was putting a half a stick of butter on a piece of bread into the toaster oven. That could have been a fire! She does this kind of thing when we least expect it..during times of the day she is normally asleep. It's almost like she was waits for the moment she thinks no one is around to do it. Just in the nic of time I have the opportunity to bring in additional help from my son's girlfriends Mother. She is a CMA but not working at the moment. My husband has had back surgery recently and is very limited on what he can do for my mother. She has a slew of doctor appointments that she has to go on requiring someone to lift the wheelchair out of a car push the wheelchair and also handle her oxygen equipment. He cannot lift any of this right now. Also I will have a couple of months where he will not be available at all to help. My sister does not drive so she relies on people to drive her and she lives a half an hour away. I have exhausted my vacation time from work. One day this week, my mom has a doctors appointment that will require her to be driven downtown to the hospital were her doctors office is. It's basically going to be a few hour trip. The CMA was willing to go along on the doctors appointment to assist during this appointment. I thought this would be a perfect time for her to get used to my mom and the routines. She can do the lifting and the pushing and my husband can do the driving. mother is arguing with me saying she just wants only my husband to take her to the doctors visit. . She likes the lady very much but she is stubborn and says that she'll get her own help and she'll do it herself and she will go to the doctors herself. She can just get up and walk into the kitchen to get a glass of iced tea. I just don't know what to do. She's not quite 100% incompetent but she's not capable of doing the things she used to do. I handle all of her bills and all of her doctor appointments these kinds of things she can no longer do for herself. She is ungrateful and unappreciative of things we do for her. I could go on and on with the things we have done... She is just impossible and irrational with her reactions.
I also agree with the person who suggested telling your mom that it's YOU who needs the care help. Appeal to your mom's love for her daughter and talk about the practical care support that YOU need.
I also agree with Sunnygirl1 that you need to hire people to help if you can. It's nice that a son's girlfriend's CNA mother might be able to help, but a more solid plan is needed, especially given your husband's back situation and your sister not doing any driving. Be proactive.
Anyone who lives with a parent with dementia AND is also employed full time is in danger of becoming less and less effective and eventually burning out completely unless some serious steps are taken. Do you regularly carve out hours each week for yourself and to do the things you most love doing? If not, please do. Otherwise, there is just no way you can continue this pace, and the impact will be both to you and to your family.
Please be good to yourself and remember that like another poster wrote, you are doing an angel's work.
DO NOT THINK ABOUT QUITTING YOUR JOB TO CARE FOR HER. what your mom needs is way, way beyond what one full time person can do.
If your Mom bulks at this not being done or that, just say "sorry, Mom, I just can't do that". Do not give in. I know it won't be easy.
I am trying to cut back with my own parents, who still live by themselves.... I should have done that back at day one six years ago. Since I had to stop driving due to an injury, I had to cancel all of my parents doctor appointments for six months [none were urgent]... that's not sitting too well with my parents. "Who's going to drive us?" Sorry, they can't guilt me into driving this time around :P
The other day my Dad finally said he needs to hire someone to do a long list of electrical things that need done, things my Dad use to do when he was more steady on his feet and his eyesight was better. Whew, maybe there is a light at the end of that tunnel.... or maybe it is short lived.
You have to go into protection and care modes. Getting her that help is really all you can do. It sounds like you really aren't equipped to do that at home, but if you can hire people to help you, then I would do it immediately. If that is not feasible, then I would have her evaluated to see what type of facility that would meet her needs as soon as possible. I would meet and discuss it with her doctor.
You are enabling mom's "independence". For this to work, she has to be cooperative. Unfortunately, you can't reason much with someone with dementia, and if mom is at base a mistrustful person, i wouldn't even start down this road of trying to keep her home.
First, believe you are doing angel's work...your entire family is, actually. And then realize your concerns are MORE than justified. Mom is no longer safe alone. I don't have to tell you that roles have been reversed with mom. Where she spent years watching out for you to make sure you were safe -- doing things that made you crazy out of her love for you --now YOU have volunteered to do the same for her. Angel's work, I tell you.
Put on your most comfortable 'manipulation/cajoling' shoes and get to work. Do what you need to do...hire who you need to hire...whatever it takes to keep mom safe. Smile thru her protests, cook her fave suppers, buy her little inexpensive pretties -- give them to the caretaker to give to mom -- I can almost promise you that she'll be juuust fine. After a little complaining.
Good luck, Angel.