How do I convince my mom she is staying in assisted living and we need to clean out her house?

Lucy217, you are doing what is in the best interest of your Mom, to be in a skilled assisted living facility to tend to her needs. Of course, many elders want to go back home saying they can manage on their own... NOT.... but they feel this is this last grasp on independence.

Many elders don't realize that they often have MORE independence living in Assisted Living. I never could convince my parents of that, mainly my Mom.

It would have been easier to convince your Mom is the house was being sold. Such as no more worry about property taxes.... maintenance/repairs.... lawn maintenance... snow shoveling.... replacing appliances.... homeowner's insurance..... window and/or plumbing or electrical wiring replacement. And being by herself, what if she fell again. Of course, an elder will have an answer to each item, whether is it logical or not.

Right now your Mom will become the "landlord", thus she is sill responsible for the property taxes, and everything on the list above.

Income taxes will be different for an investment property being rented will need to be declared as income minus what ever expenses she had for the income tax year. Someone will need to keep track of the income/expenses. I had to hire a CPA for this, because investment property was too complex for me come income tax time.

Plus your Mom could give you a convincing story that since her grandson and his family will be in the house, they would help take care of her.

Hope this will be a win-win for everyone involved.

Sadly, we don't usually get what we want. I imagine your mom gets this.

Just gently remind her that she is where she needs to be for her own best interests and simultaneously start clearing out the house. We cleared out my grandma's after her final "fall" and subsequent move to a NH. Once she realized she was never going home, she actually helped us to decide what went where and to whom. We were able to pack her whole house up, give items to people she wanted to have them and actually get ready for the aftermath--before. She died less than 2 weeks in the NH, and went peacefully. Mother was the only sib in the state and we'd boxed up the other 2 sibs things so well, they came in for the funeral and either took their things or had them shipped.

Most people don't have that opportunity. You know your mom can't return home and I wouldn't dwell on that with her-- but you can ask her about specific bequests while she still is with you.

Yes, it's a daunting task, even with a smaller condo that grandma lived in, it was a LOT of work. With a whole home---it can take next to forever.

Good Luck with this. I hope your mom adapts to the NH well and makes some friends and can have some pleasant memories, despite it not bring what she "wants".

Er... Whose house is it?

There is only one material question that has to be settled first. Is your mother of sound mind, legally competent to make her own decisions?

The hardest part is getting started. Find a starting point in your mom's home. Does she really need magazines from the 90's? Empty out the fridge and freezer. Start getting rid of anything you know your mom will not want or need anymore: 11 pairs of shoes, a huge old clock hanging in the living room, the microwave, etc. Once you start you'll get some momentum. Put aside anything you're not sure about such as heirlooms, things you know your mom treasures, and anything you think might be valuable.

When we cleaned out my parents house we hired a huge dumpster that sat in the driveway and we just walked or carried stuff out to that and threw it in. Once it was filled the company came and got it and left an empty one.

Don't take this on alone. It's emotional.

I must say, when my mom had a stroke back in 2013, and my brother, who has POA said " gee, we need to clean out the house", I just started hauling stuff away. We didn't ask mom.

I guess we knew in our heart of hearts that she was never going back there to live. She'd been in Independent Living for more than a year.

It seemed like " to ask permission is to seek denial".

Holy Cow! This is EXACTLY what my sister and I have been going through for the past year--and still are! I sympathize with the author of this article because I have walked the walk--even the part about the blindness. Our mom is beginning to let the anger go and trying hard to accept what has to be. I actually didn't think we'd ever see that. God help her, I do not want to ever see 97 (her age). What 'Father Time' does to the aged is so cruel.

Since she will not be going home again just tell her that her treasured things are safe.
If they are things the family wants divide up what family members want and tell your Mom that everyone will be taking something to keep it safe.
As my Mom said...better from a warm hand than a cold heart when passing out her "treasures"..and I can tell you several never made it past the garbage can when I took them home. She never knew nor did I think she really cared once they were gone.
If there are a few things that she can keep with her in Assisted Living bring them to her it will make her feel more at home.

I have a big problem with this, and I was hoping that Lucy would come back with further information that would solve it.

The mother is, barring miracles, not going to return to her home. I don't argue with the sense of that or that she is to be discouraged from pursuing false, risky hopes.

But at the time of posting, the mother had every (groundless, whatever, doesn't matter) intention of returning to her home, and it was a major motivation for her. She has been co-operating well, evidently, and making progress in her recovery.

Lucy goes on to explain that one reason she feels the need to get on with clearing out her mother's house is that her son and his family are on the point of moving in.

Well, excuse me: is this with or without the mother's knowledge and consent? Whose understanding is it that mother is moving out and young family is moving in?

My fear is that they have improperly got ahead of themselves. You cannot just take liberties with somebody else's property, not even if it's a racing certainty that she won't be returning to it.

As I say, I hope mother/grandmother has been kept in the loop and has already agreed; but I would like to hear so.

Good point Country mouse.
There could be vast legal problems with this arrangement as well.
If they wanted to make it more "legit" the Son and family could "rent" the property from Grandma, that might provide an income for her if she needs it. Or if Grandma is of sound mind she could sell the property..at fair market value. This way there is no problem if medicaid has to become involved.

Oh my. Going through this right now with mother and father inlaw. Both in nursing home . She doesn't understand as she has alz. She calls my husband over and over again to tell him not to take anything from the house. Father inlaw blows up and swears and tells us " just take everything!!! Just throw dirt on me!!!! I'm already dead!!! " however he will then tell us not to take things. The problem is they are severely in debt ,haven't paid mortgage in two and a half years. And we just got the notice of default. We are so mad at the mortgage company for taking so long. Once it's gone it will make our lives so much easier. We are putting things in storage at our expense, having a big garage sale, selling on eBay etc. Any monies goes into an account for emergencies or their future burial. It's a huge mess to deal with as she was a hoarder and they lived 2 hours away. We are leaving a lot behind for whoever gets it in auction . My house is full of their junk too. I can't wait till it's all sold and the house is someone else's. Then we can end the battle with them.

Please have an expert look at some of the stuff you're taking out. When I cleaned out my folks house, there were things that we sold cheap that turned out to be valuable. That "old clock" could be something like that.

I would check this out with a lawyer. If the mother has been legally declared mentally incompetent there may be no problem. However, as long as she is of sound mind she just might not be legally forced to do anything against her will. At this point it might be risky to ignore her wishes. I assume she initially agreed to be placed in the assisted living facility; I don't think the facility would have accepted her otherwise. If so, she can't be forced to stay there. That's my opinion based on an experience I had with my wife, who has been diagnosed with dementia.

How can you answer a situation with many variables. What I want to share with you, is a success story. We have been providing care for an elderly lady in her late 90s. She had 8 children, 6 are living.

Her husband had passed several years ago and the house was burden to her. What her family members agreed to was to communicate with her the reason she needed to be in a safer place. They kept her in the loop so she had some control of what they were doing with her house and her belongings. What she agreed to was keeping the house in the family. She sold the house to one of her grandsons. The key was communication, she is of sound mind. Also they had an attorney involved.

She is content with the decision she made and the family reminds her they are happy the house was kept in the family. So many memories were made there.

We have been caring for the elderly for over 20 years and the stories I have heard and experienced. All I can say is, at the end of your life you will find out who LOVEs you.

I pray everything works out for your mother and family.

God Bless You!
l

Thank you for such understanding. Mom willing did go into assisted living. She also agreed to her grandson moving in. She just keeps changing her mind. She had been of sound mind but after this fall I see Mom very confused over many things. The house in question is in a trust in my and my brother's name. I have POA. She doesn't want to commit. The house has bit been lived in for 8 months now. That's not good. I try to reason with her and she is fine with it. We even went over together and she cleaned out all her clothes. Now she wants to go home again and says she doesn't want her grandson moving in. He says he wants the house but will not go against his Grabdmithers wishes.

If the house is in a trust, isn't it the responsibility of the trustees to care for and maximize the income from the house? It's really not up to Grandma anymore.

If this were my mom, I'd say " would you rather we rent it to grandson or to strangers, mom? Your choice: you're the one in charge here".

The idea is that you give what's called a "forced choice". Asking open ended questions of elders with dementia is a recipe for disaster.

Thank you Barb. I know the things that should be done but feel so quilty. I promised her I'd help her no matter what. I am but it isn't what she wants. She argues with me. I feel I'm disloyal. She loves me and I love her. There is no question there. She just is so stubborn and in denial as to her condition.

Lucy217, I understand just where you are. We just went thru very similar circumstances. It will be so much better when you're on the other side of this. Dad was with me 6 months, then to the hospital, then rehab, and now in memory care. We had so many arguments about the house & not doing anything with his stuff early on, & my siblings wanted him to keep the house too. They said, "what's the hurry?" I KNEW he wouldn't be going back. I said that the "hurry" was because it was STUPID to keep it. Utility bills, property taxes, insurance, upkeep ...all paid for what? Well, I started on the house right after he went to rehab. Cleaned it all out, cleaned & painted (no help), listed it with a realtor, & sold it in 5 days. No one was happy, but I have POA, & I didn't want the burden anymore. It was my childhood home; Dad lived there 58 years. I took my grandchildren over & took pictures right before the closing. I'm having my 4th garage sale this weekend trying to sell his stuff. I will be taking Dad back to visit neighbors next week, & he will see his house & cry. And THEN I will too.

I want to add that I don't know how to avoid the sadness & disagreements & even tears. This is just a very difficult issue to deal with, but truly Dad is very okay with it now. His tears, when he sees it, will be sad, but he's doing well in memory care, & I visit every day, with mementos, photo albums or treats. He always asks me to keep the mementos & albums at my house for him.

You're in control now and not mom.

Lucy, thank you so much for coming back and filling us in on the background. I'm very relieved!

Please also pat your son on the head from me for being so respectful of his grandmother's wishes.

The fact that the house is, formally speaking, family property makes the key difference. I'd suggest a nominal compromise, so to speak: clear the house, boxing up anything you know to be of particular importance to your mother. Earmark a bedroom that could technically be hers should the need arise - spare room, study. Research home care options - likely to be prohibitively expensive, but then again not likely to come into play - and outline with your son a workable plan for the hypothetical scenario that mother does 'take up her bed and walk'.

The outcome to aim for is that son and family proceed smoothly with their move, while allowing a margin to accommodate unforeseen radical improvements in your mother's circumstances.

To be honest, its only probable practical value is that it will soothe everyone's consciences! But that's not nothing: it's much easier to move forward if you're confident you're doing the right thing.

My heart goes out to you. Yes it is hard work. I've been through this twice now and also going through it right at the moment with my Dad/COPD. We all struggle with changes of life transitioning but I think it becomes important to reassure them they still have some form of independence. I've found our elderly parents need to be 'in' on conversations and updated. I think a gradual acceptance follows, at least that's what I'm experiencing. It sounds like your Mum is starting to accept, be patient and trust it will work out. You're doing a great job!