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My mother, 92, lives alone a few houses down. She refuses to have even part time paid help or move to assisted living. She says she just wants to be with me. That won't work because she stayed with me after she fractured her hip and it was not pleasant. We do not get along. We cannot have a decent conversation and I have no patience left. She says I am bossy and disrespectful.

I am retired & widowed. Feel like my whole life has been as a caregiver. I was a nurse for over 30 years, babysat my grandchildren until school age and sometimes still do. I helped care for my dying father his last few weeks of life, cared for my husband with Alzheimer's until I no longer could and now I feel I have to resort to caring for her the rest of my life and I am ashamed to say I resent it. I have 2 brothers who live in distant states and still work full time so they can't help.

I also have a disabled neighbor who calls on me frequently for minor things.

I can see a cognitive decline like indecision, memory lapses, poor judgement. I think she is jealous of the little time I spend with my children and grandchildren. She is more unsteady even with a walker or cane. If I offer help with her medications or housekeeping,etc, she gets insulted and says she can do it herself. So far there have not been major mistakes.

Her reason for not wanting in home help or going to assisted living is she doesn't want to spend the money, which she can well afford.

Do I have to wait until she is declared incompetent to do anything? I do have POA and check writing privileges which I have never used. I would never use that unless absolutely necessary.

I am

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First of all ceedee, you have no reason be feel ashamed about your thoughts. Your entire life has been about caregiving.

It's time to tell your mother and your brothers that you have retired from caregiving. You deserve a life of your own. You can tell your mother that you'll visit her in assisted living but you won't cater to all of her needs as a single caregiver. Stick to your guns with your brothers, too. Tell them that they can are responsible if they won't help you find a solution.

If your brothers won't back you and get your mother paid help, then you could call your local social services and see if they can help. If they can’t do anything, then talk to an elder law attorney to see what you can do to ensure her safety. Since you have Power Of Attorney, an elder law attorney may be able to help you take some steps to move your mother or at least get her in-home help.

Sometimes, people must just wait until there's enough of an emergency to force the person to accept outside care. That's not a pleasant way to live, but it can sometimes be your only choice.

We’re all hoping that you can find a way to have some life for yourself, ceedee. You absolutely deserve it. Please check back and let us know how you are doing.
Carol
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Unfortunately you will probably have to wait until she has an incident where she falls and ends up in rehab for a while, then maybe can simply move her to assisted living from there. Hopefully you have a POA. My mother's doctor suggested that is what we have to do, wait until something happens. She won't give us a paper saying she is incompetent because she is still able to get up and get dressed, knows where she is, etc. But she is 99, doesn't bathe, is deaf, has no short term memory at all, starving herself and sometimes incontinent. She is stubborn as an ox, refuses to let anyone help her and resents me and my sister suggesting anything, even though she is always mixed up about times, places, what happened even 5 minutes ago. Fortunately we have power of attorney so we could legally cancel her lease and move her out of independent living and into assisted right from rehab or the hospital and it would be too late for her to stop it. My heart goes out to you because trying to deal with a person who fights you on everything is pure hell (they are really fighting to maintain their independence because they are denial that they need help but it doesn't make it any easier on us to know that, does it?)
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Mom did not want help, fell, hit her head, landed in ICU. The discharge planner arranged for a visiting nurse, PT and OT, all of which have to be ordered by the MD. So your starting point is the primary physician who can order these things through Medicare and the VNA (visiting nurses association). You cannot give choices to someone in dementia. You just do it, and you arrange for anxiety medications if they need that to cope.
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What will happen if you are killed in a car accident? That is what happened in our case and Mother only last 30 days on her own. She fell and broke some ribs and the hospital refused to let her go home, alone. She went to rehab and then, to AL - but she likes the nursing home, so that is where she has been for the last year. She could not be getting better care. (None of us thought that she would like it, but she does.)

I could not get along with my Mother, in my home, either.
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I FEEL FOR YOU. yOU ARE NO ALONE WITH THIS PROBLEM unfortunately UNTIL AN EMERGECY happens nothing can be done. It is a hard fact to accept, but our hands are tied by the stubbornness of our loved ones. Pray for strength to accept what we cannot change. You are not alone with this problem. Hugs
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The doctor was the key in my mother's case (Alzhiemer's). He told her that unless she willlingly went into assisted care, he would contact the state and they would place her there. I am not sure if he would have or not, but she believed him. She cried and complained, but it was the best decision for her. She is in assisted care.
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It's a hard decision for "us" to make, but know it will be the best for them. My 90 yo mother has dementia, 2nd stage, can't carry on a conversation very well, repeats same old stories. Pain in her hip from hip surgery 2 years ago and needs another surgery but won't go thru that again. Arthritis in her back, feet hurt sometimes when she walks, wears the same clothes everyday, can't cook, can't do her own laundry, showers except I have to get everything ready for her, but she doesn't use much soap, so her towels are filthy. I've never seen dirty soap and hers is dirty. OMG! I'm waiting to hear about a job to come through and want to put mom in a home. Should she go into assistant living, memory care home or a nursing home? I've found a nice assistant living home, but not sure what to do. Any advise from you wonder people?
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Have you tried invoking the authority of THE DOCTOR? Your mother comes from a generation which venerated physicians, perhaps especially males. If you talk with her doctor about this, perhaps s/he will allow you to say "doctor's orders." Could be helpful if your mother responds to that sort of thing. Good luck.
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I pray that you can find a way to get the proper assistance that you need. Below is what my husband and family are dealing with because of my mother in law's health mainly. If you or anybody has any suggestions for us please feel free to pass them along as well. Thanks so very much!

Dear Heavenly Father, I ask that you provide us with the strength & patience to know how to handle my ailing mother in law being forced to go back home with my elderly father in law who has dementia after being in a nursing/ rehab from many complications from diabetes, renal failure and Parkinson's disease. She's allowed to remain in the nursing facility up to 100 days paid by Medicare but because this is an ongoing occurrence and she had been in there from August through October and then had to return around Christmas, she used up her 100 days very quickly this time mainly because the 100 days apparently doesn't begin again until I believe you have been out for 60 days and then have another hospital stay. She can't walk or get around at all and needs total skilled nursing and they aren't unwilling to really pay for much help for lack of financial planning. It has really become a burden on my husband, his brother, my sister in law and myself over the past 4 years the most but it all truly began 14 years when she had quadruple by-pass surgery. She has never maintained her disease and now it has become all of our burdens and heartaches to deal with. It is causing great stress in my marriage and has caused us to place our lives on hold. Please provide us with the strength, patience, courage & wisdom to be able to do what is best for both of my in laws even if it means backing away and allowing the state to take over because they refuse to have us help them and believe that they can handle things on their own until my mother in law falls and then it's a crisis & demand that we rush to them. Each time they call 911 it's recorded & eventually APS (adult protective services is contacted) They even recently requested that my husband quit his job and we both move in so that they don't have to pay for anyone. He had to tough love it and tell them no because we have responsibilities of our own such as a mortgage and can not afford to do that. Then my mother in law proceeds on calling my husband inconsiderate when we have been at their beck and call for years now. We have tired to get the ball rolling on Wills, Trusts, POA's and assistance and they say they will think about it. Nothing ever happens. It's now been 4 years that this has been going on and we are at our wits ends and don't know where to turn. Lord please provide us with that is needed to do what is best for them as we really don't want to just turn away but with them not allowing us to assist them really, what choice are they giving us. We are not legal guardians and we do not care to be. I ask this is your heavenly name Lord.
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From a fellow nurse, YOU have earned a holiday! Take that POA, write a check to an agency for help for your mother, and let the chips fall where they may. Tell her it is your time now and if she doesn't like it, well, you choose your own words. My formula is: resistance + money + closeness to you + your burnout = agency help. Tell her this nurse just wrote your prescription for a better life, and do it. Let us know what happens. Happy New Year!
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