How can I convince mom she can't go "home"?

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Mom is 87 and has live in memory care for a little over a year. The place is small and she is with 6 other people in different stages of the disease. Mom thinks she shouldn't be there.. everyone else has problems but she thinks she can take care of herself. Mostly she is extremely slow at walking, needs help using the toilet, and gets lost in her small living area. I saw her today and she remembers a conversation we had last week about my sister moving in with her so she can go home... Home dosen't exist anymore the house is empty of all her belongings and is going up for sale next month.
She says she's very unhappy where she is and she wants to leave. I get very frustrated and angry with my siblings as I am the only one who visits.. they are an hour away but they don't call either. I just don't know how to answer the question anymore I'm tired

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Sewing, Google therapeutic white lies. Perhaps what you read will help explain why the ability and skill to "lie" are important for the caregiver to have. It aids in the caregiving of a person with dementia. Also watch YouTube videos by Teepa Snow. Occasionally, she will write an article for this site.
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Thanks so much for your support/help
It's difficult for me to lie to her she remembers last weeks conversation but cant remember what she had for breakfast!
It's hard to know what she'll do or how she'll react
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I have the same issue with my sister who is 72 y.o. Diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease last year but I am sure she's had it for at least 4 years prior to diagnosis. It started about 2 months ago usually in the evening, now it starts in the morning wanting to go home mom is waiting for her, our mm has been gone for 28 years. trying to divert has been difficult and usually I say we'll go tomorrow, which on occasion works. When she is in the agitated state she becomes very aggressive because she can't get out of the house to wander on home. When she is in this state she has sworn and called me names has punched me and pushed me I usually have to go into my room so I am out of her sight until she calms down. After a bit I can talk with her and bring her back to her reality. It's the actual thinking that she talks with her mom or calls her on the phone. It's just so difficult at times..her neurologist has given her meds to help with the delusions which at times help but not always. Diversion and fibs don't seem to work with her and I am looking for any other suggestions that I could do.
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Sewingsh, when my Mom said she wanted to go home, it took us a while to realize it wasn't the home that she and my Dad were living in, but it was her childhood home that she hadn't live in in 70+ years. I learned from this website to just agree with Mom, to tell her "maybe tomorrow" and eventually she forgot until the next day asking if she could go home.

You are doing the right thing about selling Mom's house now. It's less complicated now then later on. The equity can help pay for her care, and no more worrying about an empty house and everything that goes along with it.
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When people post about this and they are so distressed, I always share my experience with mom. My mom was diagnosed in 2009 with Alzheimer's but had been complaining of symptoms for 2-3 years prior. She lived in her own home with my step-father (they have been married for 41 years). As the disease progressed, my sister and I took more and more hands on care of mom. We would often take mom to our houses and she would quickly want to go home. About 3 years ago, I took over almost full-time. She still lived at home. I would bring her to my house part of the day, she often said she wanted to go home. First I would stay there until she went to bed and come back in the early morning. My home is a 45 minute drive one way. More progression so my husband and I started staying the night there and bringing mom to my house a few days a week, she again would ask to go home often. About a year and a half ago, mom moved entirely into our home, she still would occasionally ask to go home. I was able to o all of this because my boss allows me to work mostly from home with a weekly meeting. My husband keeps mom while I go. Mom is now in stage 7 and while she "talks" a lot, she has fluent aphasia, mostly she just rambles.

I just want you to know is that even when my mom in her own home she would ask to go home. We would be sitting in her living room and she would be extremely agitated and want to go home. This helped me to realize that "I want to go home" doesn't actually mean she wants to go to the house she has been living in for the past 30 years. For my mom, we tried many different tactics...we will go soon; lets have lunch first; take a drive and come back saying "we are home!"...We have tried many different ways to just bring her comfort. So my advise is to just come up with therapeutic lies to provide your mom with comfort. "You can come home when the doctor feels you are ready"..."The house is having some work done, it will take a while"... I have heard others say using validation statements, "I know you would like to be in your own home..." followed with a distraction such as, what would you like to do at home; or let's have a cookie; or did I show you the pictures of ....

One thing is true about Alzheimer's behaviors...this too shall pass. Sometimes I wish my mom could still tell me she wants to o home ;-) Hang in there!
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I've had two MILs and one FIL and now my aunt with dementia. None blood relatives and I think it's harder when it's your own mother who is distressed. None of them ever talked about going home as others on this site have written about. It appears to be a common trait, I just haven't dealt with it. But they did have things they would get stuck on for awhile and it seems like they would progress to other issues or activities after awhile. I don't know if it helps at all to know that it might be a phase and she will move on to something else. It might also be worthwhile for you to think out what you will say when she brings up the subject and give your answer and move on. Redirect her attention to another subject. Satisfy yourself that she is well taken care of. Sit with her and allow her to feel home in your presence. That's the only home you can offer now. I know it must be very hard to see your mother so stressed and feel so helpless. There doesn't seem to be an idyllic situation once we've lived past our body or brains ability to perform independently. Perhaps there is medication that can calm your mother? I'm sure you've considered that. You must try to accept that you've done the best you can. Once you've accepted that, you may find she will adjust to her circumstances. If she sees you are vacillating, it may be giving her false hope and it keeps you in internal conflict. Come back and let us know how you are doing.
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Do not try to convince her. You cannot reason with dementia. Instead tell her something that may appease her. The doc wants her there to help her remember better, get stronger, whatever. Do not argue with her, dementia is never wrong. You cannot reason with dementia. Find a caregiver support group, many have gone through what you are now. Many are going through this right now, with you. It is a difficult journey and more so if you are doing it alone. Do not expect siblings to assist. Some are just not equipped with the traits, skills and patience that you have.
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