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My husband has dementia as a result of whole-head radiation received six years ago following the removal of a large and very rare brain tumor. He has anosognosia, which means the part of his brain that tells him he's ill, has been damaged. He thinks he's fine and normal, even though his brain operates cognitively at less than 1% of a normal male of his age (he was run through a battery of tests to determine this). He played guitar in the church band for years and enjoyed it greatly. Because it is a church group, they've been great with his steady decline and have continued to let him 'play' in the band. His amp is turned off, but he doesn't know this. This was ok at first, but as the years go by and he ever so gradually worsens, it is becoming a burden on myself and others, as he doesn't drive and either I, or someone else has to give him rides to/from the weekly practices. His fingers move so slowly, he cant possibly keep up on the guitar. He's not been able to logon to, let alone use, a computer for years, yet every week he asks me if I'll set him up on the computer so he can receive the music the band leader sends out every week. Thankfully, he forgets about this as soon as he asks me. He asked me for a marker so he could mark where the chords were on the neck of his guitar, and I bought him little colored dots he could stick on, which he was happy with. However, if he has to mark the chords, I'm thinking the time has come that he needs to be told that he shouldn't be in the band any longer. There's hardly anything he can do and he is overly focused (as only those with dimentia can be) on making sure he gets to the practices and plays on Sundays. I have to tell him when to go up and play and motion for him to come sit by me, as he can't figure this out for himself. Except for the person who has been so kind for years now and picks him up and brings him home from practice most weeks, the band leader has not said anything to me. Am I just being a worn-out caregiver? Should I let this continue? Should I straight-out ask the band leader? Anyone else had to deal with something like this?

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I agree with Garden Artist about not taking away this pleasure from your husband.

Sometimes the best medicine doesn't come in a pill bottle.

Take care of yourself, as well. Perhaps someone (or more than just one person) can give you a break on a regular basis. You need that break in order to keep healthy, and to continue helping your husband. Please don't think of it as selfish, think of it as necessary.
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I think the choir director can decide when/if your husband should no longer participate. Meanwhile, do what you can to encourage his enjoyment.
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Btw, I completely understand how this is hard on you. Stay home from church once a month or so for a little respite.
Your church must be very loving, as well as you are.
I was once told I was not Mrs. holy spirit and could not control everything.
Be able also to receive.
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Q. Anyone else deal with this?
A. Yes.

He's not heavy, he's my brother!
Let the church leadership handle this.
When you can no longer perform the driving duties, allow the men to take him and bring him home from practices.
You smile. Men love it when the women are silent at church. Bring donuts.

Share your burdens here or with the women's ministry at church.
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What a compassionate reply, well done, GA. Needless to say, I completely agree.
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i wouldn't take away perhaps the last pleasure he has. He probably enjoys playing whether he's doing it well or not. Let him continue to feel that he's making a contribution, that his life has some value.

Put yourself in his position; would you want to be candidly told that you are no longer qualified to do something you enjoy?

Sometimes people have to live with their delusions; it might the only thing they can cling to.
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