What can I say to convince my husband (70) that I'm the one that he married?

Sorry didn't tell you he has Dementia.

My husband of 60 yrs asked me yesterday am I his daughter? mother? sister? wife? He will look at our wedding pic & say who is that standing by me. Simple one word answer me w nothing more. It doesn't bother me as I know the wire in his brain has become severed to understand what the word wife, daughter, granddaughter mean. He sometimes knows my name. He knows I am his security & taking good care of him. Just. keep that love & tell him often. I don't feel bad but know it will get different moment by moment. I know I could have it a lot worse & thank God for His help. We have an irrevocable trust & at the same time drew up DPOA. I would go to same attorney you had to see if he drew that up at same time. We have 4 children all trustees w a 3 to one vote to pass anything. They know all we have which will God willing become theirs.

It sounds like you don't need a guardianship then, you are effectively in charge, but do make sure you have the two letters handy! Hugs and best wishes to you both. 70 years of marriage is an awesome accomplishment and hopefully there will still be some sweet moments and memories to be made. Glad you are on here!

You know, I have not been worried about the financial part. Perhaps I should be. We do have a Living trust which includes a living will and your advice has caused me to examine the details more closely.

We set this up in 1996 with two of our four children as Trustees along with each or us as trustee for each other. My note above lists my husband as (70). That is in error. We have been married 70 years, each of being 90 years old. I do not know how that error happened. When you get to be 90 - all kinds of mistakes happen all around you - so I will take the blame. LOL

Our trust states that disability begins upon receiving letters from two physicians who "deem him disabled because of illness, age, or any other cause which relates in my inability to manage my property or financial matters." I am not sure if I need to do more than that - perhaps present that to the 'court'. I will endeavor to determine that soon... The wording of the 'law' is quite confusing most of the time.

Thanks for your responses - I will try your suggestions of not being contentious.

The problem is that I am never sure when these in-consistencies will strike. He can seem perfectly normal, friendly and out-going to neighbors, etc. and they seem incredulous that there is anything wrong at all.. sigh... No, it's not just me! Our kids agree... and want me to get outside help - tho they are as helpful as they can be. I do not call on them very often - they have their lives to live, also.

I have recently found out about a Senior Day Care center that is supposed to be great and we are going to go there with our Parish nurse to have a looksee..

Maybe pictures from way back and a progression of them to how you look now would work. But this does sound like a mixed dementia; my understaning is that with Alzheimer type dementia, they have lost the most recent memories first so think things should be as they were many years ago. It may have to do that he recognizes that whoever you are, you love and care for him, and his wife could not do it any more and sent you, because you can help with sorting out the finances too. Sorry you are going through this, it is a heartbreak!

Have a long in-depth conversation with an elder affairs attorney before jumping into guardianship. Life can become hell for you.IMCO

There are two Dave's here, Dave Me and Dave her husband. Remember you're going to have to "absorb" a lot worse behavior.

As long as you expect your loved one to react to situations the way you do, you'll be frustrated, angry, and miserable. If, however, you can learn to get inside their minds, to comprehend their world, then it is not against human nature to respond with smiles and hugs and tons and tons of love ... and private tears that we can't do more for them.
It is difficult to accept their mind is damaged by Alzheimer's Disease

same problem here, hubby keeps saying all these people are claiming to be his wife ;) It does make me abit mad sometimes because I can tell he doesn't believe me but other times he does. Btw I got POA when this all started happening. He is suspicious sometimes about money matters because now I am in charge of them and sometimes he thinks I am someone else sitting here on the computer or writing checks. Thank God that at least for now he is not too bad and seems "normal" most of the time.

So sad for both of you. Sad that you have lost your hubby and he has effectively lost his wife because he does not remember. It is not going to change - that is the harsh reality of brain deterioration no matter what the diagnosis is - the behaviors are the same. I would not try and convince him otherwise, you are just wasting your time. Sometimes on the site we call this "wild goose chases" because you just keep running around and it does not really help. Sometime my Mom calls me "that lady who takes care of me." Yeah it hurts but not really her fault. Protect yourself legally, make sure all his medical personal are aware of his dementia and try and not respond to the craziness. Please try and get some respite for yourself - either a few hours a day or a couple of days away. It is so important. He is not going to fall apart if you are gone for a little while to recharge. His behavior will continue the same because of the disease but at least you will get a little break.

You will not be able to get him to understand you are his wife. So just try to keep him on other subjects. I would not engage him when he questions who you are.
You need to be in charge of all medical and financial decisions. See an elder law attorney to see what you need to do this.
Good luck. Sorry this has happened but it probably isn't reversible. Try to get sleep even if you need to have a home health aide certain nights to watch over him so you can climb into bed and really relax and sleep. I paid for aides to be with my father so I could get sleep on many nights. It is always worth it.

Sometimes my husband forgets who I am . I don't forget who he is. It matters not to me if he remembers me or not, for I always remember who he is. I just go moment to moment.....

I know what you are going through - I have been there. My husband of 46 years didn't have a clue to who I was after his stroke. And when dementia began he did not know his daughter or his grandchildren. Depending who asked who I was he would tell the Drs. I was his nurse or when friends of family asked I was his friend, sometimes his best friend. You cannot argue about the reality with your husband. The dementia robbed his faculty to understand. Keep loving him, try to be patient. I too spent many nights awake watching over him. It hurts and it is exhausting. Keep remembering it is the illness and not your husband that is making your life difficult. As I did all the fincial matters he never asked about that.
I too agree - geht guardianship asap. My best wishes and hang in there.

How heartbreaking this must be for you. I can't imagine what it must be like to have to convince my husband with dementia that I am really his wife. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

I agree with Carol and pam. Check into obtaining guardianship. You have to protect yourself.

I strongly agree with Pam about the guardianship as you need legal protection. I am afraid you will not be able to convince him you're his wife and it may be that continuing to try will just upset him. I stopped telling my mother over and over that my father had died as it just made her horribly sad and scared each time. He does seem to accept your presence and help so you might just try to sweetly change the subject and tell him you'll be happy to do something for him. Then you spend more time receiving the support and love and encouragement of people who do know who you are and get them to do some regular babysitting so you can get some rest. You do not need to burnout or you won't be helpful to him or yourself.

Sadly, you likely won't be able to convince him because he remembers marrying a young woman who doesn't look like you. This sounds more like Alzheimer's behavior but I would imagine this could happen with nearly any type of dementia.

While this situation is quite common and emotionally heartbreaking for the significant number of people who must cope with it, it's more rare to see where there could be legal problems. I'd see an elder law attorney, bringing your documents and maybe your children along.

Ask if you can do something short of the long process of guardianship to protect yourself. I'm sure his doctor would say he can't make decisions but you may need more legal protection. As Pam says, you may need to go as far as going to court for guardianship, but an attorney can advise you.

Please let us know how you are doing as you progress. We're not new to these issues and will be thinking of you.
Carol

You need to petition the court for Guardianship ASAP.