What can I say to convince my husband (70) that I'm the one that he married?

Yes, Happynonie, it sounds so plausible to 'go along' but it just cannot work. My husband is constantly searching for his wife, asking twice today if she is ever coming back. Once he asked me if I had ever met his wife. Today I mentioned that I was the only living member of a sextet that I used to sing with. He calmly said "Lois used to sing with a sextet at our church". And yet just yesterday he pointed out each member of this group in a photo.

Early on I determined that I would not lie to him - is it worse for him to think that his wife left him or is dead - or worse she cannot locate him - that SHE is lost.

When I explain that I am his wife he says he believes me and that he must be crazy or he would know.. But your Dad is in a worse predicament with his wife substituting her 'boys'. That must be heartbreaking for him. At least your Mom has fantasies. In my case, he just sits and broods, won't watch TV and hates listening to the radio; never did enjoy reading. We used to play bridge and pinochle, but he will have nothing to do with joining in any game with the family. We love to play dominoes, laughing and joking and he just growls and gets angry about all the noise..

He seems to know each of our 4 kids but sometimes cannot remember their names and just feels awful when he has to ask.. We will be visiting our youngest this week-end - wish us luck - 2 hour drive. We take our dog along and our daughter has has adopted 3 puppies. It will be raucous and fun - I hope.........

LoisCorrine90, I will definitely be thinking of you this weekend and praying for a good time for all of you. Our mama doesn't have fantasies about the "boys". She tolerates them at best. She doesn't like "all these people" in her house, as she puts it. And daddy has to wait until she is in bed to even get out the bills to pay them. Because she doesn't want any of these boys "tending to her business" especially anything about her money or any of her financial stuff. Daddy has actually had to have all mail dealing with banking, etc., forwarded to me and my sister so that she can't hide it. She even hides daddy's clothes, because she says these belong to her husband and she doesn't want the boys using his stuff. Which presents a real problem because daddy still works part time as a court bailiff and has to wear his suits and ties, but he is constantly trying to find where she has hidden them. And she does ask daily if any of us children have heard from "our real daddy" as she calls him. Yeah daddy has a very hard time with what he calls lying to mama; but as her neurologist and the Certified Dementia Practitioner that is helping us with this have pointed out, even if we tell her the truth, she will forget about in a little while, and at that time, it only upsets and angers her. Because she thinks this "boy" and us, her children, are trying to make her think she is crazy. And when this happens she can become very abusive. Then we have to try to calm her down from that. So the "therapeutic fibbing" as her doctors call it, is the best way to handle things with mama. That is the only way to keep her calm. It hurts us and daddy, for mama to think that daddy has left her, but she has basically accepted that as a fact, and this keeps a lot of the frustration at a minimum. I know everybody's situation is different and we all have to figure out what is best for us. I have the utmost respect for all caregivers for what they are doing and what they have to go through. I know the difficulties that my sister and I face with mama and daddy, but I also know that we have no idea just how challenging it really is for daddy, since he is the one that lives with mama day & night and has to deal with it 24/7.....we just do what we can to help as much as possible. And as I said earlier, I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers and I wish you all the best. God bless!!

Thank you, Happynonie, for your prayers and blessings. It really helps knowing that others care!

If you think of his brain as being a hard disc on a computer, bits of it have been permanently corrupted and he can't retrieve the data that's on them. So there is a gap - his wife being you now, rather than you twenty, thirty years ago - but meanwhile there are other remaining memories he can access: so he knows he is married, for example, he knows all sorts of other connected things, but the bit about your identity as his wife? Gone. It's horrible.

On the other hand, as on a hard drive, there is still some space to work with. You can't get things "back to normal" but with time and just carrying on regardless you will be the person he expects to see around the place and relies on, and knows from the pictures, and everyone tells him he's married to, and so on. You will become familiar. It will get better. I'm sorry, it's so heartbreaking I know.

Lois, My Husband Ron had Parkinsons and ALZ . When he started to forget me, it really hurt. Then one day he looked over at me and said "Mom, where is Dad " ? My first impulse was to correct him and tell him, I am not your Mom honey. I am your wife. Well he would not have it. So I called his daughter, so she could explain and make him understand. She told him to look at the wedding photo on our dresser. I handed the pic to him , and she very lovingly explained, Carol is the lady in pic with you Dad. That was the day you two were married. Finally, he said ok and hung the phone up. I felt great -- ok now he won't think I am his Mom -- he will remember ! I said honey, did your daughter explain everything to you ? He turned around (still holding wedding photo ) with a big grin on his face , and said "yes she did, But she thinks I married My mother " ! I laughed til I cried ! It was just so sweet, and he looked so happy. That was the day, I stopped trying to bring him back to his old life and allowed him, to peacefully live in his new life. I noticed something, when he called me Mom and I just answered , as his Mom, he was happy . He would often say Mom , where is Dad , did he leave ? I would smile and say ," Yes son, he has already gone home ". And he was content, because those were the memories, he still had. I learned to love him, this sweet vulnerable man in another way. I prayed this prayer -- Lord , you know I love Ron dearly, as my husband, but Lord please, help me to love him, as you love him -- Amen Hope this helps you, God Bless

Carol1948, I am in the same predicament, but he hasn't forgotten me yet. He wants me there 24/7. He hates going to Senior Medical Day Care because he is away from me. I know the time will come where he will forget me and I know I will be hurt. BUT, reading your letter was eye opening. I will be ready and accepting just as you asked the Lord to help you love him as Jesus loves him. I am already at that point as his personality has changed so much. But I know I am in for a lot worse! Yet to come………I dread it, but you have prepared me for it!

Oh, Carol, that is so sweet.. I wish I had read it a few months ago...

My husband passed away almost three weeks ago in a Hospice setting with his family nearby. Toward the end I had asked him if he still believed that I was not his wife - in a joking way - and he said, "No, You all have gotten me convinced", and gave us a big smile, but those months that we tried to convince him still stand out. He always treated me with the greatest respect as a friend, thanking me for mowing the lawn and taking time to play with his dog, etc.. and wondered why I was taking such good care of him. He was a sweet man.

He lingered in Hospice for 8 days and left us with a deep sigh as a farewell. Our children were all gathered around later in the day saying their farewells..

The best to you in your caregiving. It sounds like you have it all together. And may the Lord continue to look down on you two with love - it helps so much!

Hang in there, wamnanealz, we are all pulling for you! And the Lord will help - He truly cares...

Oh thank you Lois, for those kind words. My Ron went to be with the Lord on September 22, 2012. He was bedridden only 10 days. I just want to share one other thought with you, Lois. A few hrs. before Ron died, I had been sitting, holding his hand. He had not opened his eyes or responded to me all day. I leaned over and kissed his lips and whispered " Ron, you are still the best kisser in the world ". Guess what -- that big smile came back on his face ! It just goes to show, no matter the age or the condition, somewhere deep inside, we are all still the person, we always were. Thanks for sharing , it sounds like your husband had a beautiful homegoing, too .

wamnaneatz, My heart goes out to you. I will keep you both in my prayers. So glad my sharing was helpful to you.

To all of you, like wamnaneatz, my husband has to have me within his sight 24/7, he knows my name, but does not know that we are married & have been for 27 years, I gave up trying to change that thought as it's only hurtful to me and makes him angry ( I never married you, I have a family) but he is very thankful for whomever I am and tells me everyday. once he's asleep I put my cheek on his arm, hold his hands and talk to him, makes me feel so much better to erase the disease for a few minutes of self comfort. I have many pictures of him & I out, hoping that would spark him without using words, but he always thinks that it's me with his Father. I would say right now he's reliving his 30s although he's 83. We are doing OK right now ( knock on wood) take care everyone.

Twopupsmom, I love that you have found a new way , to love him ! You are making some very sweet memories. My prayers are with you. Carol

Twopupsmom, I love that you have found a new way , to love him ! You are making some very sweet memories. My prayers are with you. Carol

I can sympathize with you. My husband questions who I am just about every day. Sometimes he believes I am his wife but most of the time he doesn't. I feel so bad that he thinks there are other women coming in and out of our home. I have shown him my ID and our marriage certificate etc etc but while he may accept it as true for a short time he soon forgets and is suspicious again :(

brit38 I have to hide any mail that has both our names on it, the question, why are you using my name! I handed him my wallet months back to look at my ID card, drivers licence etc, did not impress him one bit, wanted to know how I managed that. Just keep in mind we can never make them remember something that no longer exists in their mind, I don't even think about that part any more, I just go with the flow, really it's me & him against the disease, no one else really cares so it's much easier to get into his frame if mind. His daughter says, you ( me) should put more pictures of her around, mention her more so he doesn't forget, I replied if you'd come visit him I wouldn't have to do all that - he does not know her, so I don't force him to try! Carol thanks for the kind words, at least we all care about each other!

Alzheimer's is a terrible lonely disease for all.

Jennifer Ghent-Fuller's article, Caregivers' Newsbasket Blog
"Understanding the Dementia Experience"
tinyurl/pzof7an