What can I say to convince my husband (70) that I'm the one that he married?

Alzheimer's is a terrible lonely disease for all.

Jennifer Ghent-Fuller's article, Caregivers' Newsbasket Blog
"Understanding the Dementia Experience"
tinyurl/pzof7an

brit38 I have to hide any mail that has both our names on it, the question, why are you using my name! I handed him my wallet months back to look at my ID card, drivers licence etc, did not impress him one bit, wanted to know how I managed that. Just keep in mind we can never make them remember something that no longer exists in their mind, I don't even think about that part any more, I just go with the flow, really it's me & him against the disease, no one else really cares so it's much easier to get into his frame if mind. His daughter says, you ( me) should put more pictures of her around, mention her more so he doesn't forget, I replied if you'd come visit him I wouldn't have to do all that - he does not know her, so I don't force him to try! Carol thanks for the kind words, at least we all care about each other!

I can sympathize with you. My husband questions who I am just about every day. Sometimes he believes I am his wife but most of the time he doesn't. I feel so bad that he thinks there are other women coming in and out of our home. I have shown him my ID and our marriage certificate etc etc but while he may accept it as true for a short time he soon forgets and is suspicious again :(

Twopupsmom, I love that you have found a new way , to love him ! You are making some very sweet memories. My prayers are with you. Carol

Twopupsmom, I love that you have found a new way , to love him ! You are making some very sweet memories. My prayers are with you. Carol

To all of you, like wamnaneatz, my husband has to have me within his sight 24/7, he knows my name, but does not know that we are married & have been for 27 years, I gave up trying to change that thought as it's only hurtful to me and makes him angry ( I never married you, I have a family) but he is very thankful for whomever I am and tells me everyday. once he's asleep I put my cheek on his arm, hold his hands and talk to him, makes me feel so much better to erase the disease for a few minutes of self comfort. I have many pictures of him & I out, hoping that would spark him without using words, but he always thinks that it's me with his Father. I would say right now he's reliving his 30s although he's 83. We are doing OK right now ( knock on wood) take care everyone.

wamnaneatz, My heart goes out to you. I will keep you both in my prayers. So glad my sharing was helpful to you.

Oh thank you Lois, for those kind words. My Ron went to be with the Lord on September 22, 2012. He was bedridden only 10 days. I just want to share one other thought with you, Lois. A few hrs. before Ron died, I had been sitting, holding his hand. He had not opened his eyes or responded to me all day. I leaned over and kissed his lips and whispered " Ron, you are still the best kisser in the world ". Guess what -- that big smile came back on his face ! It just goes to show, no matter the age or the condition, somewhere deep inside, we are all still the person, we always were. Thanks for sharing , it sounds like your husband had a beautiful homegoing, too .

Oh, Carol, that is so sweet.. I wish I had read it a few months ago...

My husband passed away almost three weeks ago in a Hospice setting with his family nearby. Toward the end I had asked him if he still believed that I was not his wife - in a joking way - and he said, "No, You all have gotten me convinced", and gave us a big smile, but those months that we tried to convince him still stand out. He always treated me with the greatest respect as a friend, thanking me for mowing the lawn and taking time to play with his dog, etc.. and wondered why I was taking such good care of him. He was a sweet man.

He lingered in Hospice for 8 days and left us with a deep sigh as a farewell. Our children were all gathered around later in the day saying their farewells..

The best to you in your caregiving. It sounds like you have it all together. And may the Lord continue to look down on you two with love - it helps so much!

Hang in there, wamnanealz, we are all pulling for you! And the Lord will help - He truly cares...

Carol1948, I am in the same predicament, but he hasn't forgotten me yet. He wants me there 24/7. He hates going to Senior Medical Day Care because he is away from me. I know the time will come where he will forget me and I know I will be hurt. BUT, reading your letter was eye opening. I will be ready and accepting just as you asked the Lord to help you love him as Jesus loves him. I am already at that point as his personality has changed so much. But I know I am in for a lot worse! Yet to come………I dread it, but you have prepared me for it!

Lois, My Husband Ron had Parkinsons and ALZ . When he started to forget me, it really hurt. Then one day he looked over at me and said "Mom, where is Dad " ? My first impulse was to correct him and tell him, I am not your Mom honey. I am your wife. Well he would not have it. So I called his daughter, so she could explain and make him understand. She told him to look at the wedding photo on our dresser. I handed the pic to him , and she very lovingly explained, Carol is the lady in pic with you Dad. That was the day you two were married. Finally, he said ok and hung the phone up. I felt great -- ok now he won't think I am his Mom -- he will remember ! I said honey, did your daughter explain everything to you ? He turned around (still holding wedding photo ) with a big grin on his face , and said "yes she did, But she thinks I married My mother " ! I laughed til I cried ! It was just so sweet, and he looked so happy. That was the day, I stopped trying to bring him back to his old life and allowed him, to peacefully live in his new life. I noticed something, when he called me Mom and I just answered , as his Mom, he was happy . He would often say Mom , where is Dad , did he leave ? I would smile and say ," Yes son, he has already gone home ". And he was content, because those were the memories, he still had. I learned to love him, this sweet vulnerable man in another way. I prayed this prayer -- Lord , you know I love Ron dearly, as my husband, but Lord please, help me to love him, as you love him -- Amen Hope this helps you, God Bless

If you think of his brain as being a hard disc on a computer, bits of it have been permanently corrupted and he can't retrieve the data that's on them. So there is a gap - his wife being you now, rather than you twenty, thirty years ago - but meanwhile there are other remaining memories he can access: so he knows he is married, for example, he knows all sorts of other connected things, but the bit about your identity as his wife? Gone. It's horrible.

On the other hand, as on a hard drive, there is still some space to work with. You can't get things "back to normal" but with time and just carrying on regardless you will be the person he expects to see around the place and relies on, and knows from the pictures, and everyone tells him he's married to, and so on. You will become familiar. It will get better. I'm sorry, it's so heartbreaking I know.

Thank you, Happynonie, for your prayers and blessings. It really helps knowing that others care!

LoisCorrine90, I will definitely be thinking of you this weekend and praying for a good time for all of you. Our mama doesn't have fantasies about the "boys". She tolerates them at best. She doesn't like "all these people" in her house, as she puts it. And daddy has to wait until she is in bed to even get out the bills to pay them. Because she doesn't want any of these boys "tending to her business" especially anything about her money or any of her financial stuff. Daddy has actually had to have all mail dealing with banking, etc., forwarded to me and my sister so that she can't hide it. She even hides daddy's clothes, because she says these belong to her husband and she doesn't want the boys using his stuff. Which presents a real problem because daddy still works part time as a court bailiff and has to wear his suits and ties, but he is constantly trying to find where she has hidden them. And she does ask daily if any of us children have heard from "our real daddy" as she calls him. Yeah daddy has a very hard time with what he calls lying to mama; but as her neurologist and the Certified Dementia Practitioner that is helping us with this have pointed out, even if we tell her the truth, she will forget about in a little while, and at that time, it only upsets and angers her. Because she thinks this "boy" and us, her children, are trying to make her think she is crazy. And when this happens she can become very abusive. Then we have to try to calm her down from that. So the "therapeutic fibbing" as her doctors call it, is the best way to handle things with mama. That is the only way to keep her calm. It hurts us and daddy, for mama to think that daddy has left her, but she has basically accepted that as a fact, and this keeps a lot of the frustration at a minimum. I know everybody's situation is different and we all have to figure out what is best for us. I have the utmost respect for all caregivers for what they are doing and what they have to go through. I know the difficulties that my sister and I face with mama and daddy, but I also know that we have no idea just how challenging it really is for daddy, since he is the one that lives with mama day & night and has to deal with it 24/7.....we just do what we can to help as much as possible. And as I said earlier, I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers and I wish you all the best. God bless!!

Yes, Happynonie, it sounds so plausible to 'go along' but it just cannot work. My husband is constantly searching for his wife, asking twice today if she is ever coming back. Once he asked me if I had ever met his wife. Today I mentioned that I was the only living member of a sextet that I used to sing with. He calmly said "Lois used to sing with a sextet at our church". And yet just yesterday he pointed out each member of this group in a photo.

Early on I determined that I would not lie to him - is it worse for him to think that his wife left him or is dead - or worse she cannot locate him - that SHE is lost.

When I explain that I am his wife he says he believes me and that he must be crazy or he would know.. But your Dad is in a worse predicament with his wife substituting her 'boys'. That must be heartbreaking for him. At least your Mom has fantasies. In my case, he just sits and broods, won't watch TV and hates listening to the radio; never did enjoy reading. We used to play bridge and pinochle, but he will have nothing to do with joining in any game with the family. We love to play dominoes, laughing and joking and he just growls and gets angry about all the noise..

He seems to know each of our 4 kids but sometimes cannot remember their names and just feels awful when he has to ask.. We will be visiting our youngest this week-end - wish us luck - 2 hour drive. We take our dog along and our daughter has has adopted 3 puppies. It will be raucous and fun - I hope.........

Your husband sounds like he may be suffering not only from dementia but also from the same syndrome that my mama has. She has vascular dementia, but she also suffers from Capgras Syndrome. With this, a person thinks that there loved one (spouse, parent or child) has left or disappeared and has been replaced with an imposter. When mama looks at my daddy, she does not recognize him as her husband. She hasn't forgotten anything about my daddy or their life together. She remembers EVERYTHING about their life together. They have been married to each other twice. They were married the first time when she was 16 and he was 19....They are now 77 and 79. But even sadder is the fact that she has not only "replaced" daddy with one "imposter"...at any given time she sees 1 of 3 "imposters". She called these imposters "the boys". At Christmas she had to buy "the boys" Christmas gifts. And believe me that was heartbreaking. Because she can't drive anymore either myself or my sister took her shopping or my daddy had to...and he bought the gifts for "the boys" and since she can't even understand how to wrap gifts anymore, daddy wrapped all the gifts that she bought for "the boys". Daddy can walk out one door and come back in another 5 minutes later (with the same clothes on that he left in) and mama thinks he is another of the boys......I pray all the time that she will just forget who I am and suddenly recognize daddy again. It is so very sad to see what is happening to mama, but it is just as sad to see what it's doing to daddy. And he can't/won't accept that he can't convince her who he is. He even argues with her sometimes about who he is, rather than just "go along" with the idea that he is a friend or something. We have tried to convince him that it would be easier for both he and mama if he would give up trying to make her remember because that is not going to happen......sigh........

Many adult children and/or spouses are unable to accept the fact that the person "no longer knows them." It's all part of the disease process and there is nothing we can do to change things. I still recall when I used to visit my father in the nursing home, he would say "who are you?" I would say "I'm your daughter," to which he would say "is that good?" I warned my older brother that dad may not recognize him when he visited....and sure enough, he did not - which totally freaked out my brother.

Do you have a mostly recent photo of the two of you together? Before my father passed away my mother had episodes of forgetting who he was. My dad gently brought forward the last church portrait of them along with their wedding photo. Something clicked in her memory and this calmed her down

that was great Sherah, when my husband looks at photos of himself older than 50 he thinks it's his Dad he is looking at. Yesterday I came down to the family room & he had all the cash from his wallet sorted out, then quickly put it all into his hand and made the gesture to hand it to me for " taking such good care of him". yes I take that as an I love you too.

MilFace says her husband cannot recognize her in the wedding photo but he can recognize himself. Does he look the same? My husband cannot recognize himself in old photos. Sometimes he knows my name and sometimes he does not. He wanted to know if he needed to pay me for working. I don't push him to remember me and who I am. The other day he said my name was "beautiful" and when I asked who I was he said-- my beautiful person. So I said -- I will take that and all the women I told the story to said they would accept that too:-)

Stop trying to convince him you are his wife as you are wasting your breath. However, this issue may soon pass and he will forget who you are completely. Make sure you have high locks on the door so he cannot get out at night, give him some Melatonin 3 mg to sleep (non-addicting and safe) and take some yourself so you can sleep. There is no point in your health declining just because his is. Being a caregiver to someone who has dementia is VERY, VERY difficult even to those of us who are educated in medicine and have had many dementia patients. Just love him, show him old photos of your time together and be a friend to him if that is where he is mentally. Best wishes!

my husband (83) knows my name ( first name) always, but does not remember that we are married, it was very hurtful at first, now I just accept it, we sleep every night in the same bed together ( a king) he will kiss me goodnight, but stays totally on his side of the bed, I have shown him all the "proof" it goes right over his head, when he sees anything with my first & last name on it he asks who's that, or reading something from years ago naming Mr &Mrs, he completely skips over the part with my full name, I laugh to myself now, how can I get mad over the fact that he just cannot remember. I also do the photo book with labels under each picture of who is in the picture, he enjoys that so he can read the names aloud, pictures are limited to mainly his prior USN life & his family, Mom, Dad, Sisters, only family he remembers. Our wedding photo book I'll save for another time, for now it's safely tucked away in my closet and in my heart.

Mar126, My husband cannot tolerate any of the drugs for dementia, so far. they make him either violent or a big crybaby - so sad. He is really not on anything but a water pill and thyroid medication for low thyroid. He says he is cold all the time, and the addition of two drops of iosyl iodine a day really helps with the coldness, tho it does not totally disappear. Many of the heart meds he took caused terrific diarrhea and we had to take him off those a couple of years ago.

The warmer and sunnier the weather gets, the better he seems, though it comes and goes. Today he wants me to bring up all the financial/ownership papers from our files to go over. He will not be able to understand any of it, but I will make the attempt to satisfy his curiosity - again..

LoisCorrine, I went through this with my husband in Jan 2013. He also has vascular dementia. He would want me to leave in the middle of the night. The doctor prescribed several different types of medications which only made it worse. I changed his diet so now he only drinks water and eats plain unprocessed foods. If you read the fine print on his medications you might see something that will help, such as not eating acidic foods while taking Namenda. He has not had a problem with me being an imposter for over a year.

This lady is 90 years old. Her children need to step up and do what is necessary. If he is that bad she cannot stay up all night "watching over" him. She needs her rest too. He needs to be in a home or the kids can hire a full time nurse for him. This lady really needs to be commended for all she has done and she needs some time to herself!

My heart and my blessings to you! I found that trying to convince them of anything was futile. If they accepted for that moment, they lost it the next so save yourself in knowing that you are his wife and the dementia is the problem. I love it that at 90 you are online, seeking help and doing such a fantastic job of being your Husbands protector and loving Wife. You inspire me. Keep us updated and get the help you need to protect yourself.

Good idea, Kazina, I have the photos up but have not added the names. I have signs up in the house, saying, "Lois is here, always". sometimes he points at the sign and asks if that refers to me.. I just nod my head, and say "Yeah, that's me." But, you know, if he needs help in the bathroom (accident) he knows to call my name.. (Wouldn't you know??) 'Love him so...

HI,
This what i done for my husband. I have posted photo up in the room of all the kids and grand kids with name. and of my self. I feel for you cause my husband dont know me at times. He thinks he I am his Daughter and we don't have one. We have 3 boys. I feel it best not to fight it and just join it. He calls the nurse Tina my name and calls my name dally. So im still in there some how or some way. I have good days He know us and bad days he don't. Most days he's a zoobie :(. It is hard deal with but you do what you can.

Sorry...I was only on the first page and now notice that my suggestion has already been suggested a couple of times on this page.

How sad that would be....I feel so sad for you. Have you tried showing him a picture of you as he remembers you? Or a picture of the two of you together? Just an idea. I wish the best for you...