What can I say to convince my husband (70) that I'm the one that he married?

You need to petition the court for Guardianship ASAP.

Sadly, you likely won't be able to convince him because he remembers marrying a young woman who doesn't look like you. This sounds more like Alzheimer's behavior but I would imagine this could happen with nearly any type of dementia.

While this situation is quite common and emotionally heartbreaking for the significant number of people who must cope with it, it's more rare to see where there could be legal problems. I'd see an elder law attorney, bringing your documents and maybe your children along.

Ask if you can do something short of the long process of guardianship to protect yourself. I'm sure his doctor would say he can't make decisions but you may need more legal protection. As Pam says, you may need to go as far as going to court for guardianship, but an attorney can advise you.

Please let us know how you are doing as you progress. We're not new to these issues and will be thinking of you.
Carol

I strongly agree with Pam about the guardianship as you need legal protection. I am afraid you will not be able to convince him you're his wife and it may be that continuing to try will just upset him. I stopped telling my mother over and over that my father had died as it just made her horribly sad and scared each time. He does seem to accept your presence and help so you might just try to sweetly change the subject and tell him you'll be happy to do something for him. Then you spend more time receiving the support and love and encouragement of people who do know who you are and get them to do some regular babysitting so you can get some rest. You do not need to burnout or you won't be helpful to him or yourself.

How heartbreaking this must be for you. I can't imagine what it must be like to have to convince my husband with dementia that I am really his wife. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

I agree with Carol and pam. Check into obtaining guardianship. You have to protect yourself.

I know what you are going through - I have been there. My husband of 46 years didn't have a clue to who I was after his stroke. And when dementia began he did not know his daughter or his grandchildren. Depending who asked who I was he would tell the Drs. I was his nurse or when friends of family asked I was his friend, sometimes his best friend. You cannot argue about the reality with your husband. The dementia robbed his faculty to understand. Keep loving him, try to be patient. I too spent many nights awake watching over him. It hurts and it is exhausting. Keep remembering it is the illness and not your husband that is making your life difficult. As I did all the fincial matters he never asked about that.
I too agree - geht guardianship asap. My best wishes and hang in there.

Sometimes my husband forgets who I am . I don't forget who he is. It matters not to me if he remembers me or not, for I always remember who he is. I just go moment to moment.....

You will not be able to get him to understand you are his wife. So just try to keep him on other subjects. I would not engage him when he questions who you are.
You need to be in charge of all medical and financial decisions. See an elder law attorney to see what you need to do this.
Good luck. Sorry this has happened but it probably isn't reversible. Try to get sleep even if you need to have a home health aide certain nights to watch over him so you can climb into bed and really relax and sleep. I paid for aides to be with my father so I could get sleep on many nights. It is always worth it.

So sad for both of you. Sad that you have lost your hubby and he has effectively lost his wife because he does not remember. It is not going to change - that is the harsh reality of brain deterioration no matter what the diagnosis is - the behaviors are the same. I would not try and convince him otherwise, you are just wasting your time. Sometimes on the site we call this "wild goose chases" because you just keep running around and it does not really help. Sometime my Mom calls me "that lady who takes care of me." Yeah it hurts but not really her fault. Protect yourself legally, make sure all his medical personal are aware of his dementia and try and not respond to the craziness. Please try and get some respite for yourself - either a few hours a day or a couple of days away. It is so important. He is not going to fall apart if you are gone for a little while to recharge. His behavior will continue the same because of the disease but at least you will get a little break.

same problem here, hubby keeps saying all these people are claiming to be his wife ;) It does make me abit mad sometimes because I can tell he doesn't believe me but other times he does. Btw I got POA when this all started happening. He is suspicious sometimes about money matters because now I am in charge of them and sometimes he thinks I am someone else sitting here on the computer or writing checks. Thank God that at least for now he is not too bad and seems "normal" most of the time.

Have a long in-depth conversation with an elder affairs attorney before jumping into guardianship. Life can become hell for you.IMCO

There are two Dave's here, Dave Me and Dave her husband. Remember you're going to have to "absorb" a lot worse behavior.

As long as you expect your loved one to react to situations the way you do, you'll be frustrated, angry, and miserable. If, however, you can learn to get inside their minds, to comprehend their world, then it is not against human nature to respond with smiles and hugs and tons and tons of love ... and private tears that we can't do more for them.
It is difficult to accept their mind is damaged by Alzheimer's Disease

Maybe pictures from way back and a progression of them to how you look now would work. But this does sound like a mixed dementia; my understaning is that with Alzheimer type dementia, they have lost the most recent memories first so think things should be as they were many years ago. It may have to do that he recognizes that whoever you are, you love and care for him, and his wife could not do it any more and sent you, because you can help with sorting out the finances too. Sorry you are going through this, it is a heartbreak!

You know, I have not been worried about the financial part. Perhaps I should be. We do have a Living trust which includes a living will and your advice has caused me to examine the details more closely.

We set this up in 1996 with two of our four children as Trustees along with each or us as trustee for each other. My note above lists my husband as (70). That is in error. We have been married 70 years, each of being 90 years old. I do not know how that error happened. When you get to be 90 - all kinds of mistakes happen all around you - so I will take the blame. LOL

Our trust states that disability begins upon receiving letters from two physicians who "deem him disabled because of illness, age, or any other cause which relates in my inability to manage my property or financial matters." I am not sure if I need to do more than that - perhaps present that to the 'court'. I will endeavor to determine that soon... The wording of the 'law' is quite confusing most of the time.

Thanks for your responses - I will try your suggestions of not being contentious.

The problem is that I am never sure when these in-consistencies will strike. He can seem perfectly normal, friendly and out-going to neighbors, etc. and they seem incredulous that there is anything wrong at all.. sigh... No, it's not just me! Our kids agree... and want me to get outside help - tho they are as helpful as they can be. I do not call on them very often - they have their lives to live, also.

I have recently found out about a Senior Day Care center that is supposed to be great and we are going to go there with our Parish nurse to have a looksee..

It sounds like you don't need a guardianship then, you are effectively in charge, but do make sure you have the two letters handy! Hugs and best wishes to you both. 70 years of marriage is an awesome accomplishment and hopefully there will still be some sweet moments and memories to be made. Glad you are on here!

My husband of 60 yrs asked me yesterday am I his daughter? mother? sister? wife? He will look at our wedding pic & say who is that standing by me. Simple one word answer me w nothing more. It doesn't bother me as I know the wire in his brain has become severed to understand what the word wife, daughter, granddaughter mean. He sometimes knows my name. He knows I am his security & taking good care of him. Just. keep that love & tell him often. I don't feel bad but know it will get different moment by moment. I know I could have it a lot worse & thank God for His help. We have an irrevocable trust & at the same time drew up DPOA. I would go to same attorney you had to see if he drew that up at same time. We have 4 children all trustees w a 3 to one vote to pass anything. They know all we have which will God willing become theirs.

Sorry didn't tell you he has Dementia.

How sad that would be....I feel so sad for you. Have you tried showing him a picture of you as he remembers you? Or a picture of the two of you together? Just an idea. I wish the best for you...

Sorry...I was only on the first page and now notice that my suggestion has already been suggested a couple of times on this page.

HI,
This what i done for my husband. I have posted photo up in the room of all the kids and grand kids with name. and of my self. I feel for you cause my husband dont know me at times. He thinks he I am his Daughter and we don't have one. We have 3 boys. I feel it best not to fight it and just join it. He calls the nurse Tina my name and calls my name dally. So im still in there some how or some way. I have good days He know us and bad days he don't. Most days he's a zoobie :(. It is hard deal with but you do what you can.

Good idea, Kazina, I have the photos up but have not added the names. I have signs up in the house, saying, "Lois is here, always". sometimes he points at the sign and asks if that refers to me.. I just nod my head, and say "Yeah, that's me." But, you know, if he needs help in the bathroom (accident) he knows to call my name.. (Wouldn't you know??) 'Love him so...

My heart and my blessings to you! I found that trying to convince them of anything was futile. If they accepted for that moment, they lost it the next so save yourself in knowing that you are his wife and the dementia is the problem. I love it that at 90 you are online, seeking help and doing such a fantastic job of being your Husbands protector and loving Wife. You inspire me. Keep us updated and get the help you need to protect yourself.

This lady is 90 years old. Her children need to step up and do what is necessary. If he is that bad she cannot stay up all night "watching over" him. She needs her rest too. He needs to be in a home or the kids can hire a full time nurse for him. This lady really needs to be commended for all she has done and she needs some time to herself!

LoisCorrine, I went through this with my husband in Jan 2013. He also has vascular dementia. He would want me to leave in the middle of the night. The doctor prescribed several different types of medications which only made it worse. I changed his diet so now he only drinks water and eats plain unprocessed foods. If you read the fine print on his medications you might see something that will help, such as not eating acidic foods while taking Namenda. He has not had a problem with me being an imposter for over a year.

Mar126, My husband cannot tolerate any of the drugs for dementia, so far. they make him either violent or a big crybaby - so sad. He is really not on anything but a water pill and thyroid medication for low thyroid. He says he is cold all the time, and the addition of two drops of iosyl iodine a day really helps with the coldness, tho it does not totally disappear. Many of the heart meds he took caused terrific diarrhea and we had to take him off those a couple of years ago.

The warmer and sunnier the weather gets, the better he seems, though it comes and goes. Today he wants me to bring up all the financial/ownership papers from our files to go over. He will not be able to understand any of it, but I will make the attempt to satisfy his curiosity - again..

my husband (83) knows my name ( first name) always, but does not remember that we are married, it was very hurtful at first, now I just accept it, we sleep every night in the same bed together ( a king) he will kiss me goodnight, but stays totally on his side of the bed, I have shown him all the "proof" it goes right over his head, when he sees anything with my first & last name on it he asks who's that, or reading something from years ago naming Mr &Mrs, he completely skips over the part with my full name, I laugh to myself now, how can I get mad over the fact that he just cannot remember. I also do the photo book with labels under each picture of who is in the picture, he enjoys that so he can read the names aloud, pictures are limited to mainly his prior USN life & his family, Mom, Dad, Sisters, only family he remembers. Our wedding photo book I'll save for another time, for now it's safely tucked away in my closet and in my heart.

Stop trying to convince him you are his wife as you are wasting your breath. However, this issue may soon pass and he will forget who you are completely. Make sure you have high locks on the door so he cannot get out at night, give him some Melatonin 3 mg to sleep (non-addicting and safe) and take some yourself so you can sleep. There is no point in your health declining just because his is. Being a caregiver to someone who has dementia is VERY, VERY difficult even to those of us who are educated in medicine and have had many dementia patients. Just love him, show him old photos of your time together and be a friend to him if that is where he is mentally. Best wishes!

MilFace says her husband cannot recognize her in the wedding photo but he can recognize himself. Does he look the same? My husband cannot recognize himself in old photos. Sometimes he knows my name and sometimes he does not. He wanted to know if he needed to pay me for working. I don't push him to remember me and who I am. The other day he said my name was "beautiful" and when I asked who I was he said-- my beautiful person. So I said -- I will take that and all the women I told the story to said they would accept that too:-)

that was great Sherah, when my husband looks at photos of himself older than 50 he thinks it's his Dad he is looking at. Yesterday I came down to the family room & he had all the cash from his wallet sorted out, then quickly put it all into his hand and made the gesture to hand it to me for " taking such good care of him". yes I take that as an I love you too.

Do you have a mostly recent photo of the two of you together? Before my father passed away my mother had episodes of forgetting who he was. My dad gently brought forward the last church portrait of them along with their wedding photo. Something clicked in her memory and this calmed her down

Many adult children and/or spouses are unable to accept the fact that the person "no longer knows them." It's all part of the disease process and there is nothing we can do to change things. I still recall when I used to visit my father in the nursing home, he would say "who are you?" I would say "I'm your daughter," to which he would say "is that good?" I warned my older brother that dad may not recognize him when he visited....and sure enough, he did not - which totally freaked out my brother.

Your husband sounds like he may be suffering not only from dementia but also from the same syndrome that my mama has. She has vascular dementia, but she also suffers from Capgras Syndrome. With this, a person thinks that there loved one (spouse, parent or child) has left or disappeared and has been replaced with an imposter. When mama looks at my daddy, she does not recognize him as her husband. She hasn't forgotten anything about my daddy or their life together. She remembers EVERYTHING about their life together. They have been married to each other twice. They were married the first time when she was 16 and he was 19....They are now 77 and 79. But even sadder is the fact that she has not only "replaced" daddy with one "imposter"...at any given time she sees 1 of 3 "imposters". She called these imposters "the boys". At Christmas she had to buy "the boys" Christmas gifts. And believe me that was heartbreaking. Because she can't drive anymore either myself or my sister took her shopping or my daddy had to...and he bought the gifts for "the boys" and since she can't even understand how to wrap gifts anymore, daddy wrapped all the gifts that she bought for "the boys". Daddy can walk out one door and come back in another 5 minutes later (with the same clothes on that he left in) and mama thinks he is another of the boys......I pray all the time that she will just forget who I am and suddenly recognize daddy again. It is so very sad to see what is happening to mama, but it is just as sad to see what it's doing to daddy. And he can't/won't accept that he can't convince her who he is. He even argues with her sometimes about who he is, rather than just "go along" with the idea that he is a friend or something. We have tried to convince him that it would be easier for both he and mama if he would give up trying to make her remember because that is not going to happen......sigh........