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Dad is 91 and the main caregiver. He cannot do this 24/7 anymore and mom is declining. All three kids work full time. She still has mental functions but cannot cook, clean, or remember to take meds. Dad forgets to feed her at lunch so she won't eat. she declining and needs help but will not accept an outsider. Dad is finally on board. how do we approach mom? how do we "convince" her this is a good thing? She won't go outside or leave the house. she has latched onto Dad so much that he can't even go get the mail. We need advice. And he needs help.

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Oh, I might tell mom that the helpers are for dad and the doctor ordered it. They are required and that you will ensure they are good and kind.
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Why does your dad forget to feed her lunch? Is he having memory issues? It sounds like your mom has quite a few deficits. When this happens, the person is not able to process their condition nor their needs for help. So, I'm not sure convincing her or getting her on board is feasible.

Sometimes the person with dementia is not able to have things the way they want them. She may not be able to process why it's needed or why it makes sense. Due to this condition, she can't be the one running the show. You have to make the necessary adjustments and guide her through it.

If she is overly anxious, fearful, and distressed, then I would discuss medication options with her doctor. That might help her feel more content and less agitated about the prospect of helpers.

Keep in mind that caring for a dementia patient in the home is a very stressful and challenging job. Your dad must be in desperate need for respite time. I'd get that ASAP. You can work with your mom to get her the attention she needs while dad gets a rest, but the stress on your dad would need attention, regardless of mom's protest. I'd make sure dad knows this. He probably doesn't know what to do at this point.
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I'm in a similar situation. Mom with mobility issues, dad with dementia. Moms mind is ok but stubborn I DONT WANT THOSE PEOPLE IN MY HOUSE THEY STEAL BLAH BLAH!

I've explained to her that i understand and agree to help them stay in their home for as long as possible but at some point (right now actually) they are going to need help.

I've given her three choices to think about:

-Let me help them get in home assistance

-End up in AL or nursing home pretty soon

-If she won't cooperate with me and things get bad, the state could take over and do as they please in terms of care, assets etc.

That last option really got her attention.

I approach this as discussion, not threats, and I don't harp at her all the time about it. It will probably take a crisis to force the issue. I have a home care company on standby and have looked into local care facilities.

My folks are like many elders of this generation. Very little, if any, thought or planning for old age. Now the reasoning is just not there, they think they are fine, don't want to spend money on care and don't seem to understand in the least where this is going.
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Explain to your mom that the family would like to see your mom and dad remain in their home but in order to accomplish that the family feels that your parents need some assistance on occasion. In order to remain at home some compromises will have to be made and isn't someone coming in to help better than having to move to a facility?

Get the whole family on board with this, allow your mom to believe that she's accepting outside help in order to please her family.
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