She 'appears' to have it altogether, she drives, handles bills (but not too good and she's late paying), sweet but you can't discuss changing her way of life then she gets aggressive, cries, fights and later forgets any of it happened! Watching her decline has taken a toll on me. I love her so much but do not know how to handle this. I can't force her to move or can I? She is 86 years old, lives alone (and loves it that way), and is in a state of denial because she 'thinks' she is handling things and doesn't need anyone, especially me, telling her what to do. She thinks I'm 'fussing' at her all the time but I'm not. When I visit her, I see signs of hoarding, she doesn't keep her self up, she buys too much food and forgets she did. She thinks she is handling her business but she is not..totally. I mean she handles some of it but gets behind, gets tired and things go lacking. Other people have taken advantage of her too but she does not think so. As she states, I do these things because I want to. I believe she has early signs of dementia and I need help. Thank you.
Good luck,
Carol
If she has dementia, she probably is not really safe to drive. That is the first battle I'd fight, I think. It will be extremely hard. Maybe harder than getting her to consider moving. But the risks are not only to herself. This is an issue worth dealing with. There are articles on this site about elders driving and when/how to stop that activity.
She buys food she forgets about? Maybe has a fridge full of things you hope she never eats? Perhaps she isn't as careful around the stove as you wish she was? Maybe after all the meals she has cooked in her life she deserves to retire a little, and have meals on wheels or a similar program deliver a hot meal once a day. My 91-year-old mother can still microwave a frozen dinner but she does not use the stove. She loves meals on wheels. Without a car, your mother is not going to be able to stock up on food on a whim. You can help ensure that she has a reasonable amount of fresh food on hand.
You can help her set up as many payments as possible to be made automatically from her checking account. Then they are never late. Help her balance her check book or review the bank statements to see what has been paid. It may be possible to gradually take over the financial chores for her.
We got my mother to accept a once-a-week cleaning service.
Depending on how the dementia progresses the day may come when your mother absolutely cannot live on her own no matter how much support you give her. (My husband with dementia could not live on his own without 24/7 caregivers). But maybe for the immediate future you can arrange support services for her that will extend her period of "independence" a little (or a lot) longer. My mother seems to be doing OK in her familiar little apartment, but without a lot of support (and visits a couple times a week from her kids) it would be impossible.
Carol is right. You are in a tough position. Hugs to you, and best wishes for working things out without alienating your dear mother.
And, first things first: deal with the driving!
You are obviously not selfish, don1. You need not feel guilty about this solution. Pitch in and lend your help and support.
For my mom I had all her bills put online on auto-pay. So all we had was the visa card, that I could also check on-line the day I did my bills.
moved my mom across the street from me at this stage in a rental house. The location is the key; this really will not last more than a year or two so don't be too afraid of the cost of the rent. I gave her a rolly suitcase to walk to the store and had her in for dinner each night. My kids and neighbors buffed some of the watchful eye stuff.
That ended the day she went for a wander in the middle of the night.
This disease is progressive, no stage lasts forever. The most important thing for me is to keep the rest of my family sane as we all go through this together. If she is combative and does not want to come you will all be miserable.