My 83 year old mother has dementia. Her doctors say that she can no longer live alone, how do we convince her to go to assisted living?

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She was in the hospital with UTI, dehydration, and pneumonia. She has always been tiny, but now barely weighs 90 lbs. She is now in a nursing care/rehab. center. She is not eating much, very weak and now has to wear adult diapers. All her medical advisers feel that she should not live in her home. She has late stage early onset dementia. My father died a year ago. She is a extremely strong-willed person. She wants to return to her home and says that she can take care of herself. She has shown that she does not take care of her health. When she has problems, such as with her dentures, she will not call to make an appt. She hurt her back and was in so much pain, she just stayed in bed, and ate very little. She never called a doctor. When she finally went to the doctor, that was when all the other above-mentioned medical issues were discovered. She was admitted to the hospital. She was overwhelmed with taking care of my father. Every time we tried to get in-home nursing for him, she would get rid of them after 2-3 days. She does not like someone being in her house. Quite honestly, she is very difficult... sometimes extremely nasty. She kicked her PT just because she didn't like her attitude. We need suggestions on how we can convince her to go to assisted living. She is putting up quite a fight when the subject is brought up. What can we do to get her to understand that this is what is best? None of us can take her in .. the doctors feel that with her health issues, she is best off in assist. living. She is a fall risk and the fact that she is so frail and weak, none of us want to put her at risk by bringing her home. Please give us ideas to convince her.

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JACKSON:

This is one of those frustrating situations when you want to throw in the towel and say "To Hell with everything. ... Let her do whatever she wants." Frankly, I don't know what to tell you. It seems you've explored every option and right now are searching for a silver bullet that will allow you to live with your conscience after all is said and done. There isn't any.

The Heart has reasons even Reason doesn't understand. Trust your instincts, as this is a decision only you can make.

Good luck my friend.

-- ED
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You know, my mother-in-law was living alone after her husband died and was really in no shape to live alone either. She has macular degeneration and the beginning of alz so her memory is awful. We wanted to move her out but she was adamant to stay. Finally she fell and broke her hip and we took that opportunity to start looking for asst living places while she was in rehab. While in the nursing home for that rehab, she was checked out by their staff of 3 or 4 different doctors, and they all agreed she could no long live alone. She took the news really hard that she could never go home again. I personally felt terribly guilty and awful, but facts are facts and she just couldn't live alone anymore. What I'm saying is, have the family get together with a united front and tell her that the DOCTORS are telling you she can no longer live alone. Blame it on the doctor, who cares? As long as she doesn't live alone. Don't let her go home to pack her clothes cause believe me she'll not leave then you've got a real problem.
Turned out my mother-in-law didn't want to move out of her house cause she felt like she was abandoning my father-in-law's memories, not because she loved the house so much. Gotta do what you gotta do for her safety and well-being. I know it stinks, but it what it is....
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