How to convince mom with Alzheimer's to go to ALF where dad is?

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Dad had heart attack, quadruple bypass, stroke in 12/2015. I've been living with mom for three months. Went home for ten days while she was in hospital with flu. My husband is disabled. His adult mentally challenged son lives with us. I am beyond exhaustion and have fibromyalgia and chronic neck and back pain.

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Most ALFs are not appropriate for Alzheimer's patients. Mom certainly needs care, but she needs a Memory Care facility that specializes in dementias. It is unfortunate that both parents cannot have their needs met at the same facility. But that's often how it goes.
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Consult an elder care attorney and see if he/she can help you get past the red tape and get her admitted. If you can, then you go to a dr and get something for your nerves. If I had to find a private investigator, I'd find that sibling one way or the other and demand she come back and help out; if not with her hands, at least with money. What is it about parents that sometimes make kids scatter for the hills to avoid taking care of them like they were taken care of when they were little? People, take a lesson....prepare for this day by saving your own money or getting private caretakers to come in and care for you in your home. You may need set up a trust fund to pay for it but anything is better than dumping this off on a kid that doesn't care if you live or die on the street. I don't understand these types of kids..I cared for my parents, my dad more than my mother because dad cared for her while she was alive and then I brought him to live with me when he could no longer live by himself. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't take care of them or do what I could. What's wrong with these people??? Once you're in the position of caretaker, don't give over the reins to them to make the decisions either. You need to make all the decisions of what type and kind of care, when and where, etc. It will be much easier on you to make all the decisions. If there are siblings, all decide. I hope all goes well tomorrow and she is admitted so things will settle down for you.
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Why wasn't mom admitted? I'm curious who told you she'd be taken to a homeless shelter.

Unfortunately, in some jurisdictions, you have to walk away in order for your elder to get help. I think I'd consider taking mom to the ER tomorrow and leaving her. I know that sounds awful. But sometimes your have to save yourself first.
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Lourie, are you under a doctor's care?
I am, I take meds for the anxiety and depression I have had since my husband had quintuple bypass, 35 days in ICU because of "boop". That was in 2010. In 2011 my 85 yr . old mom came to live with us . I'm the daughter that cares. My only sibling disappeared from the picture in 2010. We have no idea what ever happened to her. Zero. I am taking care of mom now 90.5 and husband now 72. I am 54. I am in need of medical care, and now, the 2 persons I have looked up to for decades are under MY care. You need help with your own health so that you won't break down. What do you think?
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The system is a failure. Mom still not admitted. I asked: what would happen if I dropped dead in five minutes? The idiotic answer: She would go to a homless shelter! What????????? I can't take much more. I have cried all day. I am in so much physical pain. It is a blended family and step siblings have faded away. I have a brother over 1500 miles away. Another brother who won't answer his phone. I don't know what to do. Dad is expected to be in rehab two more weeks. I know it is not that long, but I'm at breaking point.
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As everyone has pointed out, you need to take care of YOU first, husband next. Mom will be fine; "the system" has been alerted and will pick up the slack. That's what it's there for. Take care of yourself, dear, or you won't be able to take care of anyone else...
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As of this minute, she should be going to ALF tomorrow. She is still refusing meds, fluids, a few bites of food. has no clue who I am. She thinks dad is at work. I know it will be difficult tomorrow. I am prepared for that..I think. Spoke with a neighbor who had family at this ALF and she liked it. A new company recently took over . It is sad and frustrating. I know this is for the best but sheesh I wish there was a miracle breakthrough cure all pill!! The bureaucratic run around and red tape is absurd. Her case worker and the supervisor at Adult Protective Services were both off work today. Must get some rest. Thanks fur the support and practical help.
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Lourie, sounds awful. Your doing the right thing to go home to your own family. Advise Mom you are needed elsewhere. FAX her doctor that you are no longer available to care for Mom and that you have safety concerns for her. Faxes generate a written record that makes doctors pay attention better. You probably will just need to leave the situation alone and let her be until some 'event' causes a hospital social worker to get involved. The doctor can also call Adult Protective Services.
You need to take care of yourself *first*. Get medical care for yourself and then you can go about helping your husband and other family out.
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Will it has gone from bad to worse...the bed that was available lay night no longer is. Admissions said they are not accepting insurance or Medicaid. ??????? Called mom's doctor to raise hell. I need to go home, hubby is hurt. May have to call Adult Protective Services.
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I had a friend to told her Mom (who has altzheimers) that her home needed some serious work on the heating system and she'd have to be out of the house for a few months. By the third week, Mom has happily in the swing of things in the facility and forgot that she had a house.
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