How do I have the conversation with my mom about her going into assisted living?

Angel, Wow, that is wonderful news, especially if it puts ease to your stress. Good for you! And maybe you will have a little taste, as you get relief from your sister.

Things are progressing here for our trip in June. My brother in law picked up a hospital bed from my son, and also a rocker recliner of my Mom's, so those are in place at my sister's home. My plans are to have my Mom's things packed, deliver her to my sister and then go to my granddaughter's or my son's home for the night and be ready for the Bridal shopping day. The next day return home, get my husband's and my packed bags and hit the road for the next three weeks! Plans, if all goes as planned, LOL.

My husband and I just returned from a wonderful night at a Beautiful Hotel, and Restaurant; awesome dinner with champagne , provided as a Mother's Day gift from my daughter-in law and son. Also included breakfast. They spent the night and took care of Mom. It was so wonderful to have such a special break.
Expecting my son and his wife and daughter today and my daughter and her husband we are going to grill, fish fry and relax. I am looking forward to this. Thanks for keeping in touch, so nice to get your updates. Have a Good ONE.

Getting away will be so good for you. Staying to help pick out your granddaughters wedding gown is worth it!

Things have calmed down the past few days. Mom seems to have accepted the situation even if she is a bit concerned. She's always been a worrier and the dementia just makes it worse. I keep telling her that I'm not the only one who loves her and can take care of her. She's like a little kid.

I also put a small deposit down to hold a space at the facility I went to last week for their new building which won't be ready till late fall. It is refundable should we not be ready for the room and her name goes back on the list. I met with the administrator of the place and I really liked her. I also met some of the residents who are at very similar stages of dementia as my mom. Just having a backup plan eases my stress. The break will help me get back to myself and think clearly so I can plan for when I get back.

Hope your Memorial Day weekend is fun. Appreciate your communications.

Angel, enjoy your updates. Sounds like things have began to move in position for you to begin to have some help and hopefully make the needed changes for your sanity and health. And maybe perfect timing to see your regular therapist.

Our time on the road has been cut down, my sister can't take my Mom until after the 4th of June, and I my granddaughter will be shopping for her Wedding gown on June 5th and I am not going to miss that appointment with her. My husband is a little disappointed, but things happen. It will be good, just to get away.

I don't get a solid night's sleep either. I get up with my Mom at least once to assist her in the bathroom and sometimes she just calls out for me, due to a crazy dream she may have had and I just have to reassure her everything is okay. I confess, I use my TV to go back to sleep. I also enjoy a glass or two of red wine some nights. Depends if I am in the mood for it or not, also have a hot tub and it is helpful in relaxing before bedtime. Never, a full night's sleep.

Enjoy your Memorial Day weekend. Good to hear, your family is stepping in.

So great you are getting away! I too am going to make some changes when I get back. It's not going to be a month, just 16 days. Family is helping out to alleviate the caregiver costs, flying one of my sisters in from AZ who has helped out before and has a lot of experience with caregiving.

After being okay with it, my mother has been difficult and is driving me crazy. She is so paranoid and is making it all about her....turning into her mother. First she thought I was leaving forever and couldn't grasp the idea of a break. Thinks I don't love her and all kinds of craziness. Fortunately, we celebrated her birthday, the 19th, with some of her old friends which made her very happy but the day started terribly because she was distraught at the possibility of going to stay with my brother and sister-n-law for a week. They said it would be better to come here, which helped, but then my sister offered to come which is even better. Mom feels better with her. My patience is really gone and it's showing. I got away today and this evening which helps. We have a family gathering on Sunday which will be nice. I'm getting away Memorial Day weekend too and seeing my regular therapist, thank God she was able to see me on a Sat. I'm really glad family is stepping up and knowing I'm getting away soon is helping.

I am concerned about my sleep issues which continue to plague me. My dr. gave me a prescription antihistamine which should've knocked me out but it did nothing. Ambian can have serious side effects so I really don't want to take it all the time but right now it's the only thing that works and there have been times that it doesn't work if I take it too many nights in a row. I don't ever feel rested even if I sleep when I take it. I will continue to work with my dr. but am going to try a natural remedy that worked before, Kavinace. It's expensive but if it works again it will be worth it. I gave it to mom for many months and it worked well but now she doesn't need as much to sleep. I prefer using natural remedies. I've been to the dr. and taken more prescription drugs in the last year than the totality of my life!
Thanks for your support! Enjoy your time away!

Angel , great. Hope all goes well. I didn't think your Mom would fit in Memory Care, she is too with it. I do hope you do as planned. My sister is also taking my Mom for the month of June, so we can finally take off. I have had her on my own BUT I have the support of my husband and just the past 2 weeks, someone coming in for the 2/ 5 hours breaks for me to get out of the house. ( My husband did also help, but can not do the bathroom thing) I have made the decision, that when we get back, I can't just sit around with my Mom, if I want to go some where, like rent a home in N.C. in October to observe the changing of the leaves, well I am renting a home and Mom is going with us. My sister is also trying to change her working schedule to have Mom more often and we are going to try to work something to meet each other half way, she lives 6 hours away. My Mom was very sick when she came to my house and has gotten so much better, so now that she is doing so well, after almost a year now, I have got to make a change. We ca not put ours lives on hold, we don't know how many days we have left either and it is not fair for us to get sick and depressed. So please keep in touch and let us know how things go.

You gals are great! It was very good that I went to the ALF because it helped me see that my mom is no way near ready for a facility. After talking with my sister and her offering more help and talking with mom tonight, I'm considering taking a month off and going away and having my sister and caregivers take care of mom. The talk with mom was hard and it took a bit for her to understand it was only temporary, that I wasn't going away permanently, but she understands and wants me to do what I need to do. It scares her but she said she will be okay. Just knowing this is a real possibility and having the talk with my mom is already helping. I will keep you posted. Thank you so much for your support. It helps so much!

Angel, It is good that you know you have to have a month. Please stick to it and do it. A month is not a life time. Please do not feel guilty or allow her to those feelings to overcome you. You have done a tremendous caring time for your Mom and if you still want to be sane and around, you have to do this. Sometimes when we take that step we are amazed what is behind the door. And yes, please keep us updated, we are cheering you on.

angel, let us know how it goes tomorrow. Checking out this ALF is just one more step. A month is there will do you both good!! God Bless you on this journey. I know it is not easy!

Thanks Roxy, I do have regular breaks, 5 hours twice a week and I am already increasing that and looking at other options for myself. I am considering having mom stay in an ALF for a month so I can reset. I go to a facility tomorrow to see about that and maybe permanent. Not sure if I'm ready for that but something has to change and soon.

Angel: I so understand your Mom being introverted and not social except family, that is how my Mom is. But, we have been a Mom to our Mom since she was in her mid 40's (a mental breakdown). And my Dad died at 56. But, back to YOU. Your Mom has anxiety when you are gone, ? does she take or would she take any medication for anxiety? Great, that your sister is coming, but you need regular scheduled respite breaks, if you don't get your Mom in an ALF. So you have to get honest with yourself. Are you going to follow through and put her in the ALF? If not, then it is time to work on a new Life style of having help come in and give you SCHEDULED breaks, so you can change your life style and start having a life outside of this home. You can't keep doing the same thing over and over, knowing that things have got to change. Keep Rambling On.

Thanks Vicki64!
Roxy177, I know, this is the dilemma, she can have these moments of clarity, especially when it comes to her kids wellbeing, (I am the 7th of 8 children, all still living) but then tonight while I was out, the caregiver said she was so upset, anxious, and confused about me being gone an extra 2 hours. She has always been highly intuitive with a strong emotional intelligence which is the one area of the brain not greatly affected by dementia.
She has been very sad and weepy since Mother's Day and when I ask her why sha says she doesn't know. I stayed away longer so she would be in bed by the time I came home but she was too upset and we ended up having another discussion in which I told her that things have to change because my health is declining. It's hard to describe how she is but I told her I'm trying to keep her in her home and things are going to change, more people coming in and I just need her to cooperate and trust that I won't leave her alone. It finally sunk in, for now. She gets so scared. She said she knew something wasn't right with me. I guess telling her made her feel better somehow. Maybe because she wants to help me and now she knows how, and will do anything to support me. She is always thinking of me. I'm not a mom, but I guess that's what mom's do. She's so focused on me, to the point of it being annoying, notices every little thing. I'm too tired to be her cheerleader anymore. She is naturally introverted and not social except with family, who don't come around much, except my oldest sister, who lives 3 hours away. She is coming Memorial Day weekend so I can take a couple nights respite.
I've rambled on a bit....had such a nice relaxing evening, then came home to stressville and got all amped up again. "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming , just keep swimming,..... " as Dori sings.😀 Thanks! Love this group!

Angel, I hope your visit to the AL goes well. Please don't wait for the moment - as your mother suggests - for when her mind is totally gone, because that would make your visits meaningless to her. You need to take her to a home where you settle her in with flowers, magazines, books, easy TV remote and window with a view and encourage her to make friends. Yes, people with memory problems can and do make new friends and they do benefit from increased socialisation of having people all around them for communal activities like eating meals.

Angel, again, if your Mom is that with it that she would say that would be when her mind is totally gone? Angel, let's take another step. We have no idea when any of us are going, you could go before her. Also, if she was at the point of not being in her mind, maybe she should then be with you at home on hospice? Yes, it is hard to take that step, but after you take one, the other's follow. Dr. Phil had a Hugh measuring tape across his stage, it was representing 85 inches? BUT, when he sent his guest to the tape he said "Stand on the inches that represent your age" happened to be late 50's and mid 60's. He said turn around look how much of you life has gone by, now look forward and if your fortunate to live life expectancy, how much time you have. BIG DIFFERENCE.
I sincerely hope you take the step. With conversation that you and your Mom has, I did want to ask if your Mom is ready for Memory Care???? Thanks

Angel, this sounds good. One Step At A time. Just keep doing that. Yes, you can do it! One Step at a Time. My prayers are with you!

Roxy177, thank you for sharing this. It all seems so black and white and final but it really isn't.
I had a little talk with my mom yesterday, planting some seeds, told her I was tired, worn out. She says she doesn't want to hurt me in any way, but didn't know what to do about it excepting dying so I could get on with my life. Always so nice when she makes comments like that, geez. She doesn't realize how painful that is to hear. She brought up going into a place and I could visit her but she said that would be when her mind is totally gone. It was a difficult conversation. At one point I realized that a big part of me feels like a failure, again, not being able to stick with something til the end. This is a pattern in my life. I have stayed with her for over 6 years but I thought I would be with her until her death but I just don't see how I can physically do that. The advice from everyone here is helping me look at the situation more objectively and be more self-honest. Last night when I couldn't sleep, again (I can only go to sleep with Ambian and refuse to take it every night) I tried to imagine my life with her in an assisted living facility and this helped. The not sleeping normally is so hard and I think I would be able to get back to sleeping normally because the hyper-vigilance would fade away. I feel so strange anymore, so out of it.
On Monday I am visiting an AL for memory care......one step at a time.

WOW, you are amazing. I don't know how you did it, but I think I do. I understand about how you feel about your Mom. My Mom had a ruff life, my father drank, we barely survived at times, and when things turned around for the good she had a Mental Breakdown in her 40's,, the youngest was a senior in hight school, out of 5 children. And a few years later my Dad diagnosed with lung cancer, after he had just built their dream home. In her 60's we had to move her into a group home because she had to have 24 hr. supervision. Praise God, it was the PERFECT place and the people loved and took wonderful care of her. We had a 10 year break, in the time of life we truly needed. They closed down, then my Mom was in an Assisted Living near me, great place, but she got sick and is now with me. I thought she was nearing the end, but is doing GREAT. So the point here is timing. It is time for your break. It is said that the care taker ends up being in worse condition than the parent. You have to take care of yourself, and trust God. Your responsibility is not to keep her happy and ignore your happiness, God forbid. You are to make sure she is safe, and taken care of. I believe in honesty. Tell Mom, you need a break, you love her more than life itself, but you feel like you are losing your's. You are or your going to take her to check out some places. Does not mean you will not visit, or she can't visit. Just fact, I need a break for awhile. Please do something you won't feel guilty once you take that step.TRUST.

One thing that might help in your decision would be if you took a step back and saw your mother as she actually is today, not as she was nor as you remmeber her. Then work out what she really needs - feeding, washing, help with dressing etc and see how much of this could be done by someone else (probably cheaper in a care home, paid home help can be expensive) while you could still give her companionship and love. This dreadful illness is an illness and it changes its sufferers, but don't let it change you or cut you off from your own world.
Now you have dared to contemplate all this, step back into your world with a new attitude fo "can deal, can do" - delegate as much as you can, ask others to help, and take time off (if others can sit with your mother); With a quieter mind and less guilt you will find the words. It will be less painful than you think. At the moment, there are too many black clouds in your own mental sky - time you chased them away. This is not being selfish, it is just taking care of the carer.

First, you take a respite from her to recharge your batteries! Most of us caring for a loved one with dementia get the "burnout" syndrome, so you are not alone. Join a support group, talk to a therapist, but get help for you so you can help your mother. You will not have her forever, so help her as much as you can, and if you can no longer care for her, then put her with professionals.

Hi there and happiness and joy to you today! Right this minute give yourself a hug for me and say out loud, "I AM a wondrous and beautiful being and I have a life too!" I know just what you are saying and feeling as it is the same way here at my house and I just signed my Mom up for an asist. living place that is wonderful. I have made up my mind that when I reach a certain age I am going to find myself one of these places and move into it myself. Gosh, what more can one ask for and if Mom don't like it...well maybe I will move into it early and she can stay home and hire her own help! HA just trying to get you to laugh a bit. It is true tho, if you can find the right place. I had to put her on a waiting list and while she is waiting for that I also hired a person for 4 hours one day a week to just come and talk to her and prepare her for the assisted living place. She also goes to an adult day care 2 times a week while I take care of things and run errands. It has been hard for me also as she is Miss Negative of all our family but when I caught myself getting just as negative as her I have to do something else. I don't like that feeling and never have or the feeling of being manipulated which has happened all my life with her. She is an only child and very spoiled even tho the family was poor and she had an drunk for a Dad also. She has always blamed everyone else for everything too so I know!!! :)

As someone who has worked in many facilities and also has family who has been placed in facilities, I would suggest that you find a facility who has a resident who was willing to have your mom over for tea or coffee in her assisted living apartment. Let the resident who is already living there give your mom a tour of the apartment and the facility and show her that it's not so scary. The resident could also show your mom some fun activities going on that she might enjoy. Your mom may feel a lot more "normal" if she is with some other residents who are dealing with the same memory issues that she is. Your mom might surprise you by wanting to make some friends her own age within the facility. Above all please take care of yourself and don't feel guilty about asking for help.

Thank you, Gloriacoco. We had a nice day.

Hi AngelsIwel, hope you had a Wonderful Mother's day. Our day was very nice and thankful for the time we spent with mom. Have a great week and stay in touch.
Will keep you in my prayers.

Thank you all for sharing your ideas and experiences. I appreciate this community and it's wealth of information and experience. I will keep these ideas in mind as I make my way towards my own self-care and my mom's care. I am grateful to be with her especially on Mother's Day. When I hugged and wished her a happy Mother's Day she said everyday was like Mother's Day for her because I am with her and she is very fortunate to have me here. So sweet. I feel fortunate too.

Lassie - I appreciate your sentiments, but (I hope) it's too soon to say how you'd feel as an elderly person who needs to be cared for. I'm sure my Mother felt that way too when she was 30 years younger. Aging & dementia turned her into a fearful woman who didn't want any stranger near her and couldn't understand what was happening to her - thus she refused any outside assistance and trusted only my father or her daughters (to a very limited degree) to care for her. I know for sure she didn't marry Dad 65 years ago with the thought in mind that he'd be great servant when she was infirm. She didn't have children to be her indentured servants anymore than she was an indentured servant to us when we didn't know how to hold a spoon.

We don't always get to choose who we're gonna be or how we're gonna act when we get to that phase of life.

I wouldn't want my daughter changing my diaper or any of the thousand other things. I would be absolutely FINE with a paid 'stranger' coming in to wipe my butt, make me jello, do my laundry, grocery shop, ferry me to doctors. Etc. etc. etc. I didn't have a child to make them my indentured servant in my old age. And the more senile I was, I am certain the less I would fret about a 'stranger' coming in, I would welcome them and they would become my 'friends' just as my mothers caregivers ended up being as close and dear as any family could be.

I understand the challenges you face caring for your mother. My hat goes off to you. The stress that comes along with caring for loved ones can get to the point where you might want to pull your hair out or run. Its a lot for one person to take on by them selves. Speaking from experience if there is any way that someone can relieve you on a set schedule every week that helps a great deal. You need time to rejuvenate yourself. Time for your self do you don't start building resentment for the kind act you've been doing. Its OK to have those feelings but if there's any way you can hang in there a little longer for your mother it sounds like is up in her years. Our parents don't ask to be in the state they become when their independence is no longer with them. We owe that to them . And someday we might be in the same position. I know I sure wouldn't want strangers to bath me , or change my soiled undergarments or feed me or anything else that would require someone to touch me I didn't know. We still have years ahead of us and there's are coming to an end. I hope you understand your a very strong person to have been committed this long . I think maybe you might need a regular break. I sure hope you'll give it some thought before moving her. Sincerely just lost mom

I'm not sure why you think that Assisted Living is akin to abandonment; you're still going to visit, yes?

Either your mom has sold you a bill of goods, making you feel responsible for her happiness, or you've come up with this idea of making it all up to her on your own. Either way, it's not a clear-headed way to think.

You are not responsible for fixing your mom's past.

After a week of my mom having daily "emergencies" that caused me to have to leave work while she was living "independently" at home I said "Mom, I can't do this anymore". That was the conversation. And yes, my mother had a terrible childhood.

I like what pfontes16 has to say. If your mom is 91, you could be in your 60's. Think of your future too. My ex moved into an assisted living against his wishes. The way my daughter describes it, the home sounds great. Maybe you could get a two bedroom apt. and the staff can help you with your mother.

Angel....Here's a totally CRAZY idea....but when we moved my folks to independent living...it was so nice and so beautiful I wanted to move in, too. Activities, housekeeping, free laundry rooms, big-print libraries and exercise areas on each floor, a kitchenette in each apartment..but a cafeteria/dining hall as well, a beauty & barber shop, plenty of really nice staff members all over the place....looked like livin' on a cruise ship to me! You had to be at least 60 to live in the facility. If I hadn't been living out of state and been 5 years older, I might have signed up.

At 86 (Dad) and 89 (Mom)...Dad was in terrific shape, but Mom had ambulatory issues and the beginning stages of dementia. Without him, Mom would have gone straight to assisted living. Mom was eligible for in-home aides to come in a couple times of week to bathe her, check her vitals and help with PT. She could have received more services if she wanted them.

Maybe instead of sending mom somewhere, you both might look at a situation like my folks'. Move into something like that with her. You would be freed from a lot of house work and maintenance stuff,,,,Mom could get aides in to take over some of the hands-on you currently provide,,,,and either or both of you would be exposed to more social interaction. You could get some respite and still feel like you didn't let mom down.

My husband and I have been sharing duties helping with Dad since Mom passed almost 10 years ago. We were both working full time positions - days vs. nights so that one of us was always available. We have both retired within the last 3 years and find that although Dad is still relatively healthy for 90 y/o, he is now needing more and more time and attention from both of us. While assisted living for Dad would be wonderful as far as we are concerned, we realize that it is absolutely not an affordable option in his case. When we consulted an elder care attorney a while back about DPOA/Medical DPOA, the advice we got was that the next time a fall or injury took place, call for EMS, have Dad transported, insist on having him admitted for observation and appeal for Medicaid to cover NH care from that time forward. Otherwise we will just have to continue as we have been doing for the last number of years and wonder if Dad might outlive us!