How can I control my temper when I am so fatigue and tired?

I think it is totally okay for a male to bathe a female. God would not punish a good thing. God is loving.

Thanks JessieBelle but I am asking about he will bath her. he is a male even he is her son. do you think this is proper? I do not want to put mom in a situation God will punish me or make me feel embarrassed.

Yes, let him care for her. If it makes you more comfortable, you can spend a day coaching him. Then realize that you are important. You are more than a tool that keeps your mother alive. And your brother may not be perfect, but he knows how to dial 911 if there is an emergency. Now GO! Don't talk yourself out of it. We often think that no one can provide as good of care as we can, but that keeps us caught in a trap, not getting respite. You are as important as your mother, Hope, so take that time for yourself and don't even think about worrying yourself into cutting it short.

Thank you all for your support. I working now on myself. I talked with my brother and told him I need to have some sleep. My brother knows about my health issues (chronic fatigue, prediabetic and suspect of having leukemia ) and he agreed to take mom for few days. but I am concerned about moms dignity and privacy. I am not feeling good about that how my brother will take care of her hygiene. should I agree or not. Am I going to my mother in embarrassing situation. Is this wrong? Please any advice ASAP.

It's hard, i am also going through the same situation, i been tried mentally, physically for a long time and my finances are bad also. I hear good praises from peoples all the time about what i'm doing but no one wants to give me a break. I pray all the time for help. God haven't forsaken you or me. Call your state agency concerning long term care for your family member for maybe daycare -the family member will stay there for a few hours a day through the week, direct service worker (home sitter) who stays there for maybe up to 36 hours a week depending on there needs. Stay strong and don't stop praying God loves you

1st of all...you are not going to be punished! We all get tired (even getting ourselves ready). Realize she most likely doesn't know what she' doing & doesn't have the mental capacity to understand. She's not consciously doing this. Relax a little. Once the task is done, thank her for helping you. It might also help to find someone to spell you for even time to get a cup of coffee. You are going to burn out & won't be able to help her let alone.

Check our care site to get some help. There are caregivers here that are inexpensive.. Also check to see if your mother or father or if she was married again her husband were in the armed services. VA will pay for Aid in Attendance to the tune of about $1100 per month for a veteran's widow.

Understand totally.... every caregiver, if they are honest, goes through these feelings at times. Am a caregiver for mom for the last 13 years until 2 weeks ago - plenty of siblings - just NO help at all, it was all left to my husband and I because we were the "youngest" in the family. Mom had BM issues also, people just don't realize how horrible that is on top of dealing with dementia, depression, and anxiety. Finally we called our counties mental health dept for seniors, had a 7-10 day inpatient evaluation done for her that Medicare covers and they were able to help me place her in a personal care home that was affordable where she is absolutely having a great time. She is not the same person that my husband and I took care of, she is with others her age and it makes her extremely happy, of course the new drugs that she is taking are helping her adjust. Find the help you need - call every organization you can, if they cannot help you, ask for their suggestions... Keep looking - help is out there - don't give up!! Also, vent - this is a good board to do it on - we all go through some crazy things with our loved ones, it is nice to know we are not alone.

please do not beat yourself up because you lost your temper and said something unkind to your mother. God has already forgiven all your sins if you believe in Jesus Christ and have asked him to be your savior. We do lose her temper we lose our self control and we say things that we don't mean even after we become believers in Jesus. You are a loving, wonderful daughter who has been caring for her mother for a long time. I just want you to know that the Lord loves you and he is not condemning you because you said something unkind to your mother 2 times in 8 years. Trust Jesus, do not let the devil condemn you because the Bible says that Jesus did not come to condemn us, but to seek and to save us , to seek and save the lost. The other comments are excellent if you can find some help even if its for an hour or two a week and keep your faith.

You are causing yourself too much pain. I agree with Babalou. Check into nursing home care. You will be dead soon if this continues, she will die alone because you died first. You can get a good night's sleep then, and when refreshed, go into see her for a long period during the day, or go in to sleep in a cot or chair that will recline like a bed. They have these in hospitals. That way, you can sleep in her room at might and go home during the day.

Keeping it together is hard. I have been doing it for over a year for my husband after his stroke. I get outside for 10 15 minutes while he naps. Talk on the phone with a friend and take a vitamin B complex to help with energy. They are like taking care of our children but will never grow up. When I wish I was at the game or out on friday night with friends. I remind myself that this is all the time I will get for as long as it is. We get out and drive a leaf tour (looking at the changing colors). We are who we are, so during the week while school and work carry on, we get out anywhere, it helps both of us. Trapped is how you feel, if you dont enjoy the moments. He doesn't get as mad anymore, because he knows I am stepping outside or out of the room. He's been told I am human too. I have a heart. Walking away is easy, working together to enjoy life is harder.

I haven't been looking after my mom long but I do get frustrated. I pray every morning and night for the grace (God's empowerment ) to make it through the day. I am learning how to deal with the dementia which seems to be a daily mountain. I am doing my best and refuse to feel guilty, but I am repenting when I say the wrong. My mom is going to Adult day care 2 times a week and she socializing now. I am grateful to God for a little light at the end of the tunnel. Love to all.

We are only human, not perfect! It is quite a strain to be the sole caregiver ... Is it any wonder you get upset. But don't beat yourself up! You have enough on your plate without feeling guilty. Just think of all of the good things you are doing. Sometimes this can even be difficult because it seems so unappreciated.

What wonderful people out there who are coping with far worse problems than I can imagine. Dementia must be the worst scenario and yet you are battling on! I too am not a natural caregiver and not very domesticated either it seems! Which my husband reminds me of all the time as I try to keep on top of things. Last week I really lost it and cracked up in floods of tears. A friend was here and tried explaining how I feel to my husband . I think it sort of sank in a little as he said last night " you are my guardian angel"! . The guardian angel with thoughts sometimes of murder or suicide or just running away! I know he loves me and vice versa but he just lashes out from feeling so ill. Must get help soon. Have joined a carers local group which may be helpful - I hope. The NHS cant do much - its overwhelmed . Will have to get some private care while
we still have some money . Good luck and bless all of you brave people.

God has already forgiven you for all past, present and future sins, His son Jesus Christ shed his blood for the remission of all of our sins, but It does not give us a license to continue sinning, we must change, but bear in mind that we are sinners since birth because of old Adam and it is natural to keep sinning but try to change, it seems you are a great daughter for taking care of your old mother who gave many years of her life since you were a baby for you, carried you in her womb, fed you, taught you how to walk and many more, so it is your duty from your heart as a compassionate human and loving person that you are to help your mom now that she needs you by her side, at the end if she goes on to the next life before you, because you are not certain if we are going to get up tomorrow, at least you going to look back and your conscience will feel and be at peace that you did your best you could and did not abandon her when she needed you the most, as for calling your mother names, just be strong and ask God for serenity and peace so that you do not utter names to your mom, the main thing though is to keep in mind and mostly in your heart to keep strong is your FAITH in God, just keep in mind that without FAITH it is impossible to please God. God Bless.

I have only been a caregiver for 2 years and I know all to well what you mean. My husband has moderate( whatever that means) dementia and on the whole is pretty laid back, but he has agitated days and if I'm tired or stressed I can be short with him and start a row. I know that I shouldn't and I feel guilty after. I know it is the disease and not him, but at the moment I don't care. I'm not a natural caregiver, it's a stretch for me, but I can only keep trying.

I am in your shoes no family at all. I called my mom a bitch other day. I have not had a good night sleep forever and I take mom to daycare. Don't beat yourself up. I have done same thing and good news is they don't remember it. If your and my mom were in their right mind, they would not want this for us. I have been doing this for four yrs , but soon will have to place in nh. I don't know how you have managed 8 yrs. I am 64 with heart stent and back trouble and made that worse by pulling mom out of floor few nights ago. I have also told god to get f.... Ked. I look tired.Have been on antidepressants and was better but had to come off due to stomach problems maybe they would help you. Daycare has been my only saving grace. I hate hate idea of NH but feel no choice now.This is going to kill me or I'm going to kill me if I don't do something.i feel your pain and hope you'll make one of these decisions . I don't like hollering at my mom so hopefully thus will be better for her also. I know about all night up and down and listening out unable to relax. I can't keep mom dry pees all night. Have tried all the pull-ups cause shell still get on Bsc but too Kate any suggestions?

dear caretakers....we all get it! I was at a breaking point at a time when caring for my parents because i was so hard on myself to get things done! i luckily found a way thru this anger, but I remember having thoughts of suicide too!! I felt soooo trapped, I just couldn't see through to the other side!! The more tired you are...and not setting bounderies with your loved ones...the less hope you have! Luckily, I broke and found a way out of this when I was at my lowest. Good answers here....keep posting that helps relieve stress too. How about caretakers meetings in your area? That would be great and you might find the resources you need there also!!

I don't know way your mom's medical coverage is. . .
I desperately needed a break ( dad has only been with me one year but his medical needs have been overwhelming).

When dad fell I used it to my advantage and told the doctor that dad could not come home because he needed additional supervision while he regained his strength and I was unable to provide it. The doctor referred a case manager to us and they arranged to him to go to a nursing home for two weeks.

My advise, if you have this care available to you, take full advantage of it. REALLY build up that mom needs assistance walking becauae of the pain associated with walking with the diverticulitis, that thou are unable to have her art home until she can manage a little better on her own. I'd leave the diaper diaperissue out of the equation - isn't she having this problem BECAUSE of the divertriculitis? In my dad's case the stay itself was covered but they mandated medical transport that wasn't covered. I told them that he didn't have the money to pay and I wasn't in a position to cover his medical expenses; they ended up waiving the transport fees.

I had the best 2 weeks that he was there. - they changed my life. With the advise from people on this site giving me the emotional strength I needed, I took my home and my life back and things have been much better since dad has returned home.

Good luck. Ive lifted a prayer of strength for you and one of thanks fur the wonderful job you're doing.

I can't add more than others have added. But God bless you for taking care of your mom all on your own for eight years. Your mom knows that you love her and there are many children that would not have taken that on. Even though there's not much money, can you afford $10-$15 and check Home Hero or Care? Even if you could do only a few hours a month, perhaps even talking to these people would lead you to more resources. You know, one thing leads to another. FYI. You're not the only one who has gotten mad at their mom:)

When I feel close to losing it with Mom (97 with dementia), I sing my favorite hymn, out loud but quietly.

I shift my focus inward and don't look her in the face until I feel calm again. Above all, I do not speak.

Sometimes it's difficult to remember that Mom's difficult behavior isn't a personal attack on me. She can't help it. I try and approach the task at hand as just another item on my to-do.

Blessings for a peaceful existence for both of you.

We can be so hard on ourselves. A bad thing I do is that I'm always convicting myself. Anger and resentment are supposed to be sinful feelings, so when I'm poked and prodded to anger, I feel bad about myself. If I were the person I should be, then I wouldn't feel those things. If I stand back and look, though, I realize that what I'm going through is beyond the point that most people could tolerate without feeling something. I think it is understandable that we feel anger and resentment, so we need not to convict ourselves for feeling them. We do need help, but that is easier said than done in many states of the country. Sometimes the choices can be like the rock or the hard place. If family is involved or if there is plenty of money (or none at all), the options can be softer.

I cared for my mother for many years and now care for husband who has asbestosis heart and liver cirrhosis! I do have a cleaner once a week thank goodness and a friend whom I pay to help fro 3 hours a week but I am close to melt down now! I am so tired and get very angry when husband criticizes me. Its inevitable - no guilt complex I now realize. It just goes with the territory as another member commented we are only human - not robots! But we do need a break and more care from somewhere. There is advice and help out there.

you are a wonderful person. You are exhausted and that is just being a human. be nicer to yourself.

I am at the end of caring for my husband of 63 years. It has been hell. I found that I "name" his different personalities since he isn't himself, which warns those who DO help that "Joe" is around and be careful. When I have a free moment such as now, I write and write and write. I have over 100 pages of journal. I cry. I call out to God as I thought He forgot me, but He doesn't. I searched for a person that needed some extra money that I knew and have her come and "babysit". Fortunately, she cared for her mother as you are, through Alzheimer's and knows the problems. Is she on hospice? All states have some kind of elder department that can give you some aid. But this doesn't mean that she will be nice to you. She will be the same ornery person that you have been seeing. Mine is a stroke patient and I keep reminding myself that I cannot argue with a stroke. You cannot argue with dementia. All you can do is put one foot in front of the other and see if you can find some help from church members, friends or a state agency. I have found that places that advertise help, charge $25 an hour and are not that great...so far. The best help is someone who has been in "your shoes" and if you pay them something, they may be the answer. It is only a few hours a week, but it is something. My husband just came back from respite...five days for me. He probably will not last long. He does not eat nor drink. I still love him, but he is a body for which I am caring. God bless you. Lots of hugs.

This happened to me yesterday (again). I always feel the same guilt as you and today is Sunday so I take her to church. It really does play havoc on your mind, body and soul but hearing others here confirm that we are human and "how many others in the family help?" Helps me gain ground again. Like you and many of us here, I love my mother dearly... That's why I (we) try to do our best to take care of them. Is it 'fair' or 'just' if we are 'punished' because we are overextended/overworked... I don't think so. There are too many pressures placed us us and this 'stage' of life is a rough road for all of us (that's why the majority step back and don't help). I've had my mom with me for 11 years now... It's a roller coaster ride, but the love is always the same. Your mom knows how much you love her. Push yourself to get rest, be kind to yourself so you don't get ill.

This is a difficult situation and you are working beyond your physical and emotional limits…anyone would snap. I suspect that you are telling yourself "I'm tough and I can do this" and you are pushing well beyond what is healthy for you and your mom. Caregivers have the gene you know…."we can do this". Well…you cannot and what you are seeing is your own emotional and physical health failing and you should strongly consider the fact that you are not a bad person and God is not going to get you. You are exhausted and if anything, I believe the God I know sees this and understands. I recommend that you find an excellent nursing home in your area and present them with your mom's financial situation. They are well versed in seeing this and knowing what can and cannot be done. The administration can direct you and tell you what needs to be done to get her into the proper care facility. Then, you can go and see her and check on her as appropriate as a rested daughter who is taking back the control of her life. Good luck!

I am connected to several churches and one has a volunteer who comes to give sitters a break- no charge. Call Area Agencies on Aging and ask if there are any Senior Volunteers who will come on a regular basis no charge to sit with your Mom and give you a break.

We found a convent - Sister Servants of Mary - their sole ministry is to sit at night with the sick and the dying to give the family a break. When my 90 year old father was dying. He is gone now.

Sometimes when I get angry and say harsh things they are things that need to be said and that my 91 year old Mom needs to hear.

I am the sole caregiver for my Mom but I have several people - my son is one -who watch her no charge on a regular basis so I can get out and live a normal life for a few hours a week. Also a cousin of hers picks her up and takes her to church.

Found a home schooling network and paid a teenager $8 an hour to come sit do her homework while I went out. I do however prefer volunteer sitters.

Ask your Higher Power of God as you understand Him for help.

Keep the faith - this too shall pass.

This was me last year prior to my mom passing away. So many bad days because of being worn out with minimal help. I look back with so many regrets and ask the same thing about God's forgiveness. I did though check with the Division of Aging for the county I live in. Through the Caregiver Act they are able to provide a certain number of hours of free care. Just sitting with my mom but that was what I needed. They came 4 hours a week but that amount varies based on their determination of income etc. I hope you can contact your Division of Aging and obtain this same service. Bless you - you are not a horrible daughter!! You will think that forever but you're not. Your mom isn't your mom right now and you aren't you. Taking care of someone with dementia changes things so much and you just have to find what works for you. Best of luck and hugs to you!

I am not sure what exactly your situation is but it sounds, when you say 'we' don't have much money that you may be living on her social security or whatever her resources are alone. You may have painted yourself into a financial corner, meaning that if all she has is her limited income, while that would be enough for her to exist on Medicaid, it would leave you without resources. So you and your mother, whose mind isn't all there, are left in this 'bag' like a couple of cats, together. This is not criticism but an assessment of your situation, which would explain why you feel so powerless and angry all the time. I would be too! Since you do not list your age or your work experience, I don't know what your options would be if your mother were to be placed in a Medicaid covered ltc facility and you were to be 'free' to pursue your own income and life. On the face of it, if that is at all a possibility, I would look into doing that. I have a very close friend who recently lost her husband at 59. She had not worked in over 25 years and he had brain cancer for four, during which they went through financial ruin and lost their home. Her credit was completely wrecked. She had to get a job for the first time and enter the working world at 57. I say this because she thought she couldn't do it but it's been 18 months and she surprisingly is doing much better than she ever would have thought. Don't know, but perhaps you are kind of 'hiding' from the inevitable by staying stuck in this situation, which sounds as if emotionally it is killing you. I heard a lot of comments above about how much you have on your plate and how you are not a bad person. I would think both of those things are true. You have guilt about what you are saying and doing. But if this were a child and you were doing the same thing, no one would tell you it is ok to do, that you just have a lot on your plate. I think you know this is not right and it is not going in a good direction. If you call 211 you can access a number of community services to help you and your mother in this situation. It may take a while to get things worked out. The way this sounds, you would be better off and so would she, if she were in a place where she was kept warm, safe and healthy and you visited her while you got a life of your own. Your self esteem sounds leveled. You internal 'voice' is screaming at you. That is called instinct. Listen to it. Something needs to change asap.