How can I control my temper when I am so fatigue and tired?

Hope14...I have been there many times and the guilt is still there though we all know that we are doing the best we can. My husband is not eating nor drinking so the end is near. All of a sudden, he awakens and wants water...constantly....I have sciatica and it kills me bending over the bed. I yelled this morning because I just wanted to take my pills and eat breakfast to get the day started and he was calling and calling. I finally yelled...leave me alone...and felt so bad. I feel as though I am depriving a person of water when they are in a desert but I am getting some in him anyway possible...syringes, finger on the end of a straw, whatever. Yes, you yelled at Mom...yes, I yelled at the one I love...but we are not yelling at them, we are yelling at the situation....be it stroke, Alzheimer's, dementia...whatever. You are doing a good job. Take care of YOU!!!! Bless you and many hugs....and thank you Llamalover 47... I am feeling your prayers also.

thank you all for the relief I recieve from reading these answers.my name is jim and im 84 ,my wife of 63 yrs.is 81.She has alz.she is with me about 25% of the time.Then some one else shows up.you all know what hits the fan.My problem is i know there is help,but getting it is next to nill.I do the cooking,laundering,shopping[amazon]etc.I lose it once in a while and she forgets in 5 min.My biggest problem is I use a walker in the house and power chair outdoors.I was a sailor ,firefighter,worked my life outdoors.raised 3 great kids.[they live very far away]and I go bannanas at least 5 times aday.I get along Ok But do have one help.I have lawrence welk on hopper and she becomes my honey again.I also got her some chicks {now very big @layng eggs .]She has made them so tame and they have tamed her . God knows our limits and forgives.

Join the team as we all reach a boiling point as these dementia diseases especially AD is terminal. Enjoy the moment with your loved ones, wash your face, stop and have a cup of tea, refresh your makeup go back to mom and kiss her and cry inside. Every moment is precious.

Cactusjim....hi, I am Nancy and my husband of 63 years is dying...slowly from the effects of stroke. He has been many different people. He has not been the man I married since February. I name the "people" who show up as I have hospice and it helps for them to know what he is going to be. Larry is amusing, Joe is mean and Raymond just stares. Lawrence Welk and the Gaithers on PBS is the only thing he sees on TV. I get very angry at times but I also know that God forgives. I will add you to my prayer list. I am certain that your memories of that 63 years is as good as mine is of ours.

"Fatigue makes a coward of us all" an old quote with plenty of wisdom. Pilots cannot fly without required sleep...truck drivers are not allowed to drive without sleep,a break Fatigue clouds our ability to make informed intelligent decisions.

You can pray all you want.....but somewhere, sometime you need to help your higher power help you by making decisions that will move things forward. Anger depression and fatigue are roommates. Get outside help call the Agency on Aging take act, check out local nursing homes for possible one day at a time care.

You are not going to be canonized for sainthood by sacrificing you health. Guess what if you don't take action you will be lying next to your care receiver...........Get moving

Staying on the question the current slate of Presidential candidates have completely ignored the dementia diseases and the necessity to mount a war that kills without bullets. Wake up America and let your voices be heard, The issues, tax relief for caregivers, regulated cost of medicines, change Medicare to enlarge services to patients, NIH patient study innovations. I seem to be the only one to my knowledge that keeps grinding at Government to do something. AA and AARP seem silent let us sound the siren before we are all victims.

When my grandmother was nearing the end of her time, she was VERY demanding with my mom. Mom wouldn't hear of either of us helping her. She felt it was her duty only. We did the next best thing & hired a caregiver to come to the house twice a week & sit with grandma so mom could get away. Mom fussed at first then decided it was a pretty good deal. She would go to a local fast food place & take her lunch to a park close by. Sometimes she would get her hair done. It was only for an hour or so, but it was time just for herself. When she got back, if grandma had fallen asleep, the caregiver would be doing dishes, sweeping the floor, etc. It really saved Mom's sanity and gave them both a little break from each other.

cactusjim here;thankyou for your heart. alz has meetings every other week and am going to take my sugar to the hairdresser for the works.this will give me the chance to make it.I felt a uplifting bond reading your suggestions.Im with you normandy.We live in the greatest country ,run by lawyers ,who sold the farm. thank you nancy for your prayers .I pray for all of you.

Thank you Normandy, I am going to write and call my Senators. You are absolutely right. Medicare should cover caregivers. Good points well made, well taken.

It is impossible to care for a very sick person without severe stress and the inevitable fatigue causes anger. Respite is a MUST. Otherwise you get ill and then the person will have to be moved in to a nursing home! I am at this stage with my husband of 50 years who has several severe illnesses. Decided a home is the last resort as I cared for my mother for 15 years and she still had to go in to a nursing home in the end. They cost the earth and are usually understaffed so one feels even more guilty! ( She hated it!) I am paying a friend to cover one day a week with my husband just for a break. Home care if affordable may be the answer.

Home without Dad thank you for responding as you seem to be the only one to date that has taken the time to do so. Many of our correspondence from the UK some from Australia and few from Canada. This is such a vital program to listen and learn and I wish the management of this service would grind out some publicity to attract more participants.

I enjoy being a contrarian once in awhile to expand the discussion and liven things up.

Question: Why is it always the governments responsibility to finance and solve problems? It reminds me of fathers not paying child support...its their child. Don't we have some individual responsibility to step up; buy long term and supplemental insurance, Medicare insurance, dental insurance. Forget the new car, things. prepare for the future. OOOOOps! Did I star a fire?

I suggest you review the cost of nursing home care and the extended life of many who are placed in those facilities at an average cost 8 thousand monthly. This comes to nearly 100 thousand a year. The older people most never bought long term insurance but the new breed are all scrambling for coverage. Why the Government? Until this plague is controlled those who must be housed away from home where to?

You're NOT a bad person - we've all lost our temper at least once. My goodness, the stress we're all under...we can't be Mary Poppins everyday!! In the ten years I've cared for my mother so far, I've snapped a few times. A few months ago, I told her to shut-up - and it's because I didn't sleep well the night before and I was just so, so tired that day. I immediately walked out of the room, let myself cry because I felt so horrible telling her to shut-up, took a few deep breaths, and then returned to what I was doing and I after was done with that task, I spent an hour away from her as I was in the kitchen doing what I needed to do. After that hour was up, I felt more at ease and could return to my mother's room without getting tense. You need to look into getting respite care, like it's for only once a week. I have a respite caregiver come in once a week, and some weeks I'll just take a long nap in my bedroom while she's caring for my mother down the hall. You stated your Mother deserves the best - well, yes, I think most of us want this for our parents BUT YOU deserve the best because you're sacrificing so much and not asking for anything in return. It's time for you to get some help; this will be good for the both of you.

The point is the government is paying billions and a lot of it is misdirected. If they would pay caregivers like us who care for our parents iin our homes or theirs, it would save billions and take care of more people. I am totally for government responsibility, I have been hard working all my life and still am but I thank God the Government started Medicare. The government money is going to flow somewhere - let's direct it to those who would help save lives and money. we save money by keeping people out of nursing himes in some situations.

Hope, your situation needs more than a band-aid of your brother giving you a break which is good.

You two need to have a heart to heart talk about a new plan and what is realistically possible given the care needs of your mother. You may be looking at a situation where medicaid is needed and for her to get 24/7 care from people who work 8 hour shifts. Then, you'll need to inform your mother that you are very concerned about her safety and care which you are no longer able to do 24/7 like you have for the last 8 years for her dementia and other health problems are more than realistically one human being can do alone.

just to let you know you all. You all great. you gave me a lot of support that I need. my mom with my brother now for 4 days. I still fee I am so tired and exhausted. I am trying to get rest as much as I can so I can take care of mom.
cmagnum, yes you are right. I and my brother should have realistic plan. I really need to have a plan to save myself, I feel I am going down to hell. if I can not recharge myself I can not help mom and myself.

I have suggested an Alzheimer's Village at the National Institute of Health here in the Wash DC area but I must be talking to a blank wall unable to respond proving they are not human. I had an elaborate plan which involved a floor for each stage of AD with constant medical teams studying patients collaborating with any semblance of medical treatment development possible to establish a direction for the world. It is frustrating that an innovative idea is not even acknowledged. Maybe it is far fetched but when we are fighting a black plague surely a barrel of ideas should be useful.

Normandy, I believe there is a Beacon HIll Village in Boston, a C apital Hill Village in D.C. and a start-up Cheverly Village in Cheverly, Maryland. They are 501(c)(3) organizations where caregivers are vetted, bonded, etc. Run like a co-op, the purpose is to help elderly stay in their homes. You might connect with them, especially the one in D.C. Neighbors help neighbors.

I believe the main help we need from the government is help containing the cost of healthcare. The various facilities and medications cost more than a human can pay. Only insurance and government has that type of money. At the present time our copays are often as much as the total cost was about 20 years ago. Some people have repeatedly tried to address cost containment in the past 30 years, but it has been fought tooth and nail in Washington. I've wondered if it is because the healthcare lobbies throw a lot of money around in Washington.

Cost containment would have a strong, but temporary effect on the stock market. Seriously, though, I don't know how the US can continue on the path it is on when it comes to healthcare costs. Who could afford it? Not even the government.

I will refresh my point about the NIH. I am not advocating what has been suggested but patient research. Each stage of AD has a forward movement as the brain function deteriorates. My proposal is that medical teams monitor patients to determine if there is some way to treat the patients to determine if any steps can be taken to contain the stage 3 development. Nothing to do with nursing homes but a Government sponsored research program under one roof. This has not been done and is urgent to try to get a handle on stopping the final process. An innovation anyone else have a better idea.

You, like all of us here, are doing the best we can. God knows this too...more than you do! So don't judge yourself and talk badly to yourself you are not worthy of such self talk. You're a great, loving daughter at her wits end. I used to think I was very patient, but boy have I eaten humble pie and a lot of it.

My mom can sometimes get to me in such a way where I just want to run away for good. She can get into calling multiple times within a short period of time which over top of everything else can make me super stressed and upset. My temper and patience gets short and sometimes I do say something and then apologize. It happens when I've talked to her 5-10 times in a hour. A few times I've gone into the bathroom, turned on the fan and screamed as loud and long as my poor lungs could handle it!

We're not perfect and can't make a perfect life for our parents. We carry so much and can only do as much as we can. We have to relieve the constant stress and and pressure because our mind, body and spirit cannot live in this fashion. We have to recognize when we need help and get it. I did finally get in home care and thank God I did. It has saved my sanity. And it has helped my parents get care from an untired, unstressed and patient friend to enrich their lives. I fear if you don't, you'll just burn right out or worse.

To contain cost throw out the lobbyists and the current Congress. Hard battle to beat that big business bunch who only care for profit not people. This is an unfortunate situation when we look at the profit margins of nursing homes and the flagrant charges to Medicare (while staff is underpaid). CNA training is inadequate and their syllabus needs upgrading to allow this group to achieve more knowledge and responsibility to warrant a better hourly wage.

Continuing with my NIH suggestion. What we need at this stage of the battle are interdisciplinary medical specialists to work with patients testing every conceivable protocol to actually offer some productive conclusions. X-ray, scans, MRI , medical history, medication history etc to achieve a complete physical examination of the patient who is now a book to be read and treated.

You are not a bad person. I too have said mean things to my Mother which I later regretted. Mother was always the leader in our household, the strong one, and to see her in her deteriorated state is just more than I can bear at times. I'm an only child, work a full time job, and do the laundry, house cleaning, grocery shopping, ect. I've had to bring Mom home after we've gone out to eat somewhere and put her right into the shower because she s--- herself. So don't be hard on yourself. There are definitely others who are having the same feelings as you. Hugs.

Your situation sounds identical to mine. (9years).
Of course God will forgive you. That isn't part of the equation. I too truly believe that "what goes around, comes around" and I think I will be in for some rough days in my senior years but I am hoping I also get good compassionate care just as I also have given on the "not so bad" days. When I wasn't too tired, I was able to ask members of my Church for extra prayer on my behalf because I was too tired to pray. Those that understood, stepped up as a Church family should, and carried me through the rough stuff. Sometimes God just wants us to stop trying to do it all alone. It's hard to ask for help in any manner because that guilt voice tries to convince you that you are failing if you have to ask. But, that is when God is able to do His best. Bed days and bad circumstances don't mean you have become a bad person. It just means you are tired. Time to acknowledge that. Just let go and let God bring strength and assistance, comfort and confidence.

I am a practical sort of person. So I hope you won't feel that I am being insensitive to your situation. I have been there and it was ugly and I felt ugly. It is hard not to be disappointed in one's self.
Taking care of yourself is extremely important. If you reach burnout, then you will not be able to care for your loved one.
Here are my suggestions:
1. find a source of regular respite care. Pay someone or ask for help @ your church or your friends.
2. Do simple exercises during the day. Exercise will lift your spirits.
3, Cut back on the amount of caffiene, sugar and processed foods. These affect your energy and your mood. Drink more water.
4. Find a few minutes almost everyday to do something you love, whether it is knitting for 10 minutes or reading a book or emailing someone important.
5. Identify three ways to simplify your life. Wear the same clothes every other day. Serve the same meal every other day, with memory loss, it does not matter. Spending 15 minutes every day reducing the amount of clutter in the room(s) where you spend the most time. Just throw out stuff you don't use.
6. Find out if you can pay your bills on line. Then you won't worry if the payments are received on time.
7. Go through your checkbook to see if you can eliminate unnecessary expenses. If you can, then paying for respite care might be easier.
8. Get enough sleep, but not too much.
I hope these simplifying your life steps will help you. I suggested them because they free up your time and attention and brain power. They will give you a little more control over your life.
Do your best. Somedays that is all we can do.

This is an article, linked below, that helped me see this much clearer.... that not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver.... whew.

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/not-everyone-cut-out-to-be-a-caregiver-162192.htm

Actually, seems like I'm the most horrible daughter out there so it can't be you. My gut and heart are so wrenched with guilt, doing everything wrong or doing not enough after devoting
the last 11 years to helping her. The more I try, the worse it is for me... I can't even remember who I am anymore... Or remember the beautiful person I used to be... Life is so unfair at times... While it is so short... I guess there's a lot of beautiful good-hearted daughters, sons... that get under-appreciated and it sure plays havoc on us. I guess the question is how do we come out of it?...

Lack of sleep can really do terrible things to your mind and body. Long term lack of sleep is especially harmful. I would explore what services are available to either have some outside help come to be with mom overnight, so you can sleep uninterrupted or explore resources for placement. You would be much better equipped to be there for mom if you are rested and in good health. Your temper will be even and you won't be overwhelmed. And you will be happier. Don't you think your mom wanted you to be happy? Don't beat yourself up for making one rude comment. You are sleep deprived. That's how they torture prisoners of war, you know.

I would research what she can afford, if she qualifies for Medicaid, etc. and any other resources. If you don't get support, you may not be able to care for her very long due to your own health failing.