How can I control my temper when I am so fatigue and tired?

Isn't that the truth Jess!

Ignore, ignore, ignore followed by breath, breath, breath..

What may be even more remarkable is that we don't lose our tempers even more. Many of the things we go through each day would drive most people over the edge. For example, today's activities have included the morning health report, repeating everything I say in triplicate, Mom screaming my name to get the phone because the warranty on my vehicle is expiring (telemarketer). The Game Show Network is blaring in the living room. The volume is so loud. And it is only about 10:00 in the morning. When we go through these things, it is amazing that we can stay a little calm.

I can relate to bhjos34. I am not a natural caregiver either; find myself yelling at my 81 yr. old husband when he is constantly asking the same question over & over & over!! He has cancer with no options left for improvement and has now developed dementia. I have him enrolled in hospice, not because he is near death, but so that when he gets worse I will already have something in place for that time. They are very helpful; the nurse visits once a week and is very beneficial for me. They have also arranged for a one-day-a-week volunteer to come & give me a 3 hr. break. I am so excited for this - starts tomorrow! I have to keep reminding myself not to get worked up, but I still do and then feel very guilty after. I do not want to treat him badly; he has been my love for 56 years!

I can relate to bhjos34. I am not a natural caregiver either; find myself yelling at my 81 yr. old husband when he is constantly asking the same question over & over & over!! He has cancer with no options left for improvement and has now developed dementia. I have him enrolled in hospice, not because he is near death, but so that when he gets worse I will already have something in place for that time. They are very helpful; the nurse visits once a week and is very beneficial for me. They have also arranged for a one-day-a-week volunteer to come & give me a 3 hr. break. I am so excited for this - starts tomorrow! I have to keep reminding myself not to get worked up, but I still do and then feel very guilty after. I do not want to treat him badly; he has been my love for 56 years!

What is crying going to do except to give you a migraine?

One thing I know for sure...you can't bottle it up! When too much pressure builds up..you're going to blow up! Talk therapy...go for a brisk walk..yell where you know no one can hear you...and sometimes I just pray...Father..Abba help me...help me..help me....and sometimes God sends nice people like you ladies..to encourage...and also..it's healing to help others while fighting your own battle...someone else often has it worse than I do...and remember nothing lasts forever...

I confess I am in to crying and then I "hit the roof", punch a cushion, kick the kitchen units,dishwasher etc. All these release the stress and the objects can take it. I even kick a can around the yard. Anything that helps.
Sounds like I am aggressive I know but its better than hitting the person I am supposed to be caring for! When he gets too infuriating because of the illness.

Midkid, you "have" to go visit your MIL, OMG why?? Surely your daughter can go visit without you. And if you are going as some kind of buffer for your daughter, then why the heck does she want to visit in the first place? I recommend a sudden case of diarrhea ;(

I also don't "like" to cry, but it seems to be a natural release for me. I don't cry in front of people. Makes hubby mad, my kids don't care.

I don't punch either, but there has to be a way to release the anger, b/c just "not caring" (as hubby says I should do) is not an option. I forget and mention something to one of the kids that their dad did and WOW they are defensive--even though I may be right, it's just not appropriate. (And yes, he can say "Oh you know how your mother gets.." and they all nod their heads, so it's not a fair swap at all---it just is what it is.) He's perfect and I'm a mess.

I also can't say a word about my MIL. Hubby is not on "good" terms with her, she told me 6 years ago she never wanted to see me again--so I have honored that request. Still, every time hubby goes to see her he tries to drag me along. She won't let me use the bathroom or sit in the living room. She doesn't address a single remark to me. WHY would I want to deal with that? I can step away from her and she doesn't bother me, but my own mother makes me crazy. Not always, but I never know when she's going to spring on me--so I am tense and uncomfortable all the time around her. And I have to go visit her this afternoon with my daughter who is visiting with her kids. Already have a sick stomach.

BTW, hubby's comments about his mom "Well, she's old". OK, that works NOW-- but she has been the same for 42 years that I have known her, what was the excuse when she was 43?

I've read that a lot of you are into "cry therapy", but tears are just not my thing, never have been. I'm more of a "I want to punch their lights out" kind of a gal, not something many women are willing to admit to I know. Mostly I can walk away from whatever sets me off, as a caregiver that's not so easy.

Just be sure to rant to the appropriate people!! I make the mistake of saying a negative (thought completely true!) comment about my husband and I catch he%$ from my kids, who defend all his crazy behaviors and get mad at ME if he does something dumb or crazy, and then blame me for being "unsupportive". I have to be so very, very careful what I say and to whom. This site has been a really positive support for me.

Hubby is a good man, but he has his quirks and a quick temper and every time something goes wrong, somehow it's my fault. He's been through a lot in his life, healthwise, and will probably not live to be 75. (Liver transplant, diabetes which he refuses to deal with) so my kiddoes are all very sensitive about him and his health. He still works and travels full time, he's as healthy as he's ever going to be, but I am stressed out and tired carrying the full time care of him, our home, helping mother, and my girls with their families. I do have a continuous level of stress bubbling away and sometimes I will just take a long, hot shower and cry for a half an hour and then just face the music again.

I have been having a lot of migraines again, just stress related, but annoying to the maximum.

I am joining a group held by my therapist for depression and anxiety as soon as the new sessions start, hoping that I can meet others who have anxiety & depression and get some support there.

I have been reflecting on the care I give my mother and have realized that the continuous low level of stress leaves me like a pot simmering on the back burner and any additional stress quickly has me boiling over. I've been working on lowering the day to day stressors, but he hard part is to come up with strategies to combat the boil over, since as we all know with caregiving sh&t happens. Most advice I've come up with online says something like "don't get angry". Hmmm, if wishing only made it so! Any good tips out there?

To Jude and others....rant...rant again and again. My husband didn't even know what decade he was in and ranted at ME. As I yelled at him one day, my daughter walked in and said...Stop it...you are yelling at a stroke. You know what? At that point, I didn't care WHAT I was yelling at. I just needed to yell. I agree....a trip to Walmart's becomes time out. I talk to anyone who smiles at me. They may be walking around there because they are in the same mess I went through. God bless you...take care of YOURSELF....this is very important!

Oh Jude
I meant to say I am so sorry to hear your planned day off went pear shaped. Its seems to happen! Right now I am hoping to get away for an hour while friend looks out for husband. He says he wont go to the hospice for respite but we shall see.
That walk in the forest is becoming a necessity!

Oh Jude -Online is very useful to vent and get helpful answers! Gives the friends a break.
This morning hubby started on about giving cash now to relatives and I am afraid I am getting dire thoughts about it all! He says I might live a long time and they wont get the money for ages and its only a few thousand£ to give them now! well from what I am experiencing its costing a fortune to get help in now.
Rant over!

I dont wise one but yesterday I had some unplanned respite although not quite as much as I imagined. Mum had to go for pre respite assessment 10-4.... well I got over excited and my daughter said lets have a day together....wasn't quite what I planned - I wanted that walk in the forest but hey she is my daughter and we don't have much us time so OK.

So we had it all planned, drop Mum off go out to an antique shop or 5 lunch mooch around the shops with kitchen units in mind - you know what I mean ACTUALLY touching them then off to look at paint and paper and all sorts of nice things.

Well that didn't work.....got to the respite home 2 hour, two hours, YES TWO BLOODY HOURS to fill out paper work I could have completed had I been given it in less than 10 minutes and had they emailed it to me I could have completed it on line and sent it back for them to read through and then just signed it when I got there grrrrrrrr.

Of course by now it was lunch time and they invited us to stay for lunch WTF? So when we said no Mum had a face like a smacked backside and I knew then that it was not going to be the day I hoped for. Oh we had a nice 3 hours together but not enough to DO much and then when we picked Mum up she was a nightmare but hey I am still alive and so is she which is more important or certainly AS important and today is another day!

Oh and although the idiot who told me yesterday that 'you can't live your life on line' won't see this i just want today actually sometimes some people don't have a lot of choice in that!

Oh Jude, there is NOTHING WRONG with you DOING THAT! I would think that sometimes EVERYONE needs to just go into the back yard and be alone no matter what is going on at your house. Do NOT beat yourself up about that!

SheriJean- I feel so sorry that you are going through this awful time with your Mom without any support from your brother. why does he have POA? You need specialist advice about this as it seems you are the only relative carrying all the responsibility for your Mom. Yes you sure need to vent or there will be melt down. I know the feeling well. Is there any place where you can get free advice where you live ? Like the citizens advice bureau over here ( UK). From what you say it sounds as if a good senior living site may suit her needs.

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Yes I am with you all! A trip to the store is like a vacation! Very true, I am ordering most things online which is a great help. All these travel ads. ..
dream on ...... Yesterday I got out while a .friend stayed with hubbie( I pay her as she is in need of the money) and helped another friend with her ponies. Marvellous fresh cold wet air! I agree when asked how you are its best to say pretty good ! Otherwise friends will keep away. Vent problems on this site and share with people that know what its like.

Ohjude...that sounds awesome...a great escape...I imagine in my mind tending the flowers one day..in Gods garden of Eden! Meantime...I'm planning my own hanging baskets for this summer!

Probe....we can only carry the load for so long...it's so heavy..everyone has a breaking point! That makes us human...you definitely need a break...maybe a local church have folks who can sit with your mom..someone you can be at ease leaving your mom...my mom is so negative..everything I do to help her..she finds that one bad thing that can go wrong...over and over...I finally blow and yell...can't you put a positive thought in front of a negative one..or I just yell...stop it! She then says...you always yell at me..then gets on the phone and tells everyone I yelled at her..which has happened 3 times..even though I spend endless hours helping her...so..it's good to vent...and necessary to get away from it...before you break into pieces! Getting out helps a lot!

Oh bless you probe next time I go to Walmart (not called that in UK) I am going to take my picnic basket and food hamper so I can feel like it a real vacation - I know those feelings well!

I don't even get that luxury now as I shop on line for almost everything, from meds ordered from the GP to disability equipment to moving house to e-vape liquid and before anyone tells me vaping is bad for my health don't waste your energy because I absolutely don't care - it is better than smoking and if it isn't I don't care about that either!!!!!

I can't imagine going for a long walk in the forest alone watching the deer or gathering fossils and shells from the beaches or blackberrying or collecting sloes to make sloe gin once more. I long to be able to go to a PYO farm and PICK MY OWN veg. I long to be able to go and buy whole fish that I gut myself. I long to be able to home freeze food I want to eat not for Mum.

I long to be totally selfish for at least a month and I DONT CARE if people call me on it - it is what I want ....somewhen

I get mad at Mom (94) She repeats and repeats I tell her I just told you that answer,, than she comes back don't yell at me,, Want to change places with me,, I can't leave always worry about her falling,, I go nuts,,, Trip to the food store is a vacation,, God Bless everyone on here it is the hardest job I ever had,,

I have had meltdowns SheriJean. After the meltdowns I get back on that darn bike. I wish someone would take that bike away from me. I totally agree with Sherry1anne. We are all doing the best we can with the time we've got. Had lunch with dad today (93, independent and worries about everything) then went to see mom at her alz/dem facility for Valentine's day (not that she knew that it was but still wanted to be with her). Now I am with my 2 grandkids that live with us part time (divorced parents). Sometimes I have a pity party and then I move on. Thank goodness for friends that are either going thru this also or at least don't mind me griping. At first I gave up everything to make sure everyone was perfect and being taken care of to my exact specifications. Now, I DO take time for myself even if it's just going to lunch with a friend (and I have gotten better at not going into a long drawn out story of what the last crisis has been when asked.....how are you? :) Try to get some help in every once in a while so you can go get your hair done, grocery store or even Walmart. Don't laugh.....when I lived with my dad after his heart attack, all I wanted to do is go to Walgreens to walk the isles just to get my mind off of things. When I said I was going, he would say ok I will go with you. Don't beat yourself up when you get upset or speak harshly. Apologize and go on even if they don't understand. It will help you feel better. Good luck and God Bless

There's the guilt...and then there's the fear..that I'll be..or am like her..and my brother..who used to let me vent..is silent ..meaning...I don't want to hear it? He lives several hours away..and promised to help me by taking mom for a few weeks..now it seems he's not going to..he has POA and didn't help with the million things I had to do when my stepdad passed away in January..now I don't even have his emotional support..he says..I should go look at other senior living sites..we have an apt at one next week...I have no time to do all that he thinks I should do...and frankly I'm tired of hearing myself complain...but if I don't vent...I may melt down

I lose my temper with my grandma sometimes although I try my best not to. I just apologize to her even though she honestly doesn't seem to have a clue why I'm apologizing and move forward reminding myself to take deep breaths and find a reason to laugh everyday to help. Stress, tiredness and feeling trapped can make a person really cranky. You need an outlet of some kind. After 8 years of no break it's not surprising you are tired and a bit cranky. Caring for a loved one is hard work. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise and you need a break. See if you can find a friend, or a helper. If you can get your mom a caregiver to give you a break in the morning for an hour or so. I have a caregiver come in on the week days for my grandma. They break allows her to take a bath and get dressed, take her morning pills and go to the bathroom leaving me free to do errands, doctor appointments for myself, and pack up a house to move in 3 months. I highly recommend seeing if you can get a caregiver just to give you a few hours off a day. It's amazing what even having quiet time not being asked to go to the bathroom every hour can do for your mind.

Just don't let this ruin yourself. You have to take care of yourself to take care of someone else.

You are doing the best that you can do. Take time for yourself if at all possible. I cared for my mother for the past 9 years. She was pretty independent in the beginning, but it went down hill and so did my patience. She passed away last month. I'm 69 and still have a full time career although I mostly worked from home during Mother's last years. This is the hardest thing I've ever done. I regret my short fuse at times, but I'm trying to forgive myself for being human as you should do too. A part-time caregiver near the end was my salvation.

Rosmarin if you need care in ...you need care in. What I would say is that you need to set parameters from the get go. Don't leave valuables lying around and if you need to, put them all in one room and lock it if it will give you peace of mind. For my own OCD issues that surround care (and I am really not that bad let me tell you - I have a friend who is seriously OCD when compared to my standards and she says her standards are the norm in the care business) I would set down the rules that you want observed...its your home and you are admitting strangers and you too are now of an age considered to 'vulnerable' as am I at 63. SO yes you will be concerned and anyone who can't see that shouldn't be sending in staff either. Just pick carefully and you will be fine.

I note these comments and am really worried about getting care in though I am really exhausted caring for my husband who was just diagnosed with lung cancer from asbestosis. He is 81 and I am 76 and now the hospice may send in care which should be OK I hope! I have been getting so bad tempered with him and feel so guilty - he keeps calling me all the time and it freaks me out as I have enough difficulty coping with domestic chores etc. I found the carers were useless when my mother was ill so not very hopeful. Also I worry they might steal - might be more trouble than they are worth. Its just hell on earth it seems
trying to care for a really sick person. We need intelligent robots!