My father has recently decided he wants no contact with me (his only daughter) and his two granddaughters. This is mainly because last year he began a new relationship after being a widower for 11 years. During that time me and my daughters visited him regularly as he lived alone and he had lots of friends and went out regularly. Once his new lady friend arrived he made it clear we were not as welcome to visit. I cannot hide the fact I find her rather odd but have tried to be civil towards her, even though she does not return the favour. Basically she refuses to speak to me on most occasions despite me always giving a greeting, not overstaying and bidding farewell if she has failed to engage in any other conversation. Yesterday she phoned to speak to me basically to pick an argument, the most she has ever said to me. When she could not fault that I am civil to her she became enraged. The phone was passed to my father who also became verbally abusive and ended with him saying he does not want any of us to visit ever again.
In some ways I would be happy with this as it least it means we no longer have to suffer such abuse but underlying this is the fact it still leaves him in this toxic relationship. The woman seems to have an agenda which is to get him away from anyone else he is close to. She has forced him to sell the lovely house he had in favour of a grotty little bungalow and I feel like it is only a matter of time before she makes a a start on his savings.
His current will leaves anything he still has to me. Though I am sure she will try and get him to change this very soon. I don't care about money as what you have never had you never miss but I do object to her being allowed to over rule what really was my deceased mum's wishes.
I want to try an retain a relationship with him despite his angry outbursts and do have concerns that he may be unwell which is exacerbating these.
How on earth can I remedy this? We are happy to make visits infrequent but don't see why we should be kept from our only family by someone in this way.
Her actions toward my father also seem abusive to me.
How do I help now ?
I agree that reaching out to the relatives is a good idea, not only to learn if they've experienced similar rejection but also to build support within the family. You don't know what this woman is telling him or what he may be thinking and has told the family given that he's told you not to visit again.
This may sound self-serving, but you need to protect your reputation within the family, which may be where he'll turn if/when she gets what she wants and leaves him.
What are their approximate ages? Is she much younger?
One possibility is to contact the police and ask if she has a criminal record - it might be that she's done this before and others have been fleeced by her (which is what it sounds like she might have in mind).
One drastic consideration which I mention only if the situation gets much worse is to file a petition for guardianship/conservatorship with the local probate court, then ask for a restraining order against her. However, that would probably make your father so angry it would completely ruin what relationship you still have with him.
He might also be in the throes of passion from this new relationship after having been widowed for so long. But clearly he's not thinking rationally.
If you have a copy of his current Will, you should be able to determine the attorney who drafted it. You could contact her/him and raise your concerns, (1) to see if she/he has any suggestions and/or (2) to alert her/him to the fact that your father is behaving irrationally. If he does go to this attorney to change his estate planning documents, she/he will be on alert and may decline to make the changes. He could always go somewhere else. But the attorney would also have the right to consider legal/medical intervention and it would come from her/him and not from you.
Good luck; wish I could think of something that really would help but unfortunately your father seems hell bent on destroying his relationship with you. But I guarantee he'll call you when she's wrung him out to dry and left him.
I find it particularly hard as I have no siblings who could share the load. My father has two brothers, my uncles and we have always been quite close to them.
I am considering telling one of them what has happened, and asking how much he still sees of my Dad as they used to be close but I fear not so much any more.
The only trouble is I don't want to put them in a situation where they become the next people to be vented at and excluded.
I have tried the just Dad option already as I wanted him to feel like he was still welcome alone if she cannot bear to be included. This worked for a very short while, however, she will not allow him out to continue this ! Apart from a brief visit to the barbers, and doctors, he seems to have to be with her 24/7. Perhaps she also has health issues which make this worse, anxiety perhaps but not allowing freedom is unhealthy for everyone.
I am going to try and speak to his doctor and failing that may ask my own doctor to do so. If,as I suspect, there are also health issues involved then in some ways it makes his behaviour more excusable, though still unpleasant. It might also help extended family to understand and maybe even offer some support.
Unfortunately he's sticking with this awful women. I would still continue to call him letting him know you still care..
There isn't much you can do unless you want to get his doctor and the courts involved.